Kung Fu Cult Master (1993)

KUNG FU CULT MASTER (1993)

(aka “Lord of the Wu Tang”, aka “Kung Fu Master”, aka “Evil Cult USA”, aka “The Evil Cult”)

Dir. Wong Jing

No title translation? That's racist.

Review by Goat Scrote

     “Kung Fu Cult Master”  has all of the essential ingredients I look for in a kung fu movie, which is actually just three things. I want lots of exciting fights, cool stunts, and badly translated subtitles. This movie totally delivers. Bonus points for wire-fu superpowers. Double bonus points for the fact that this particular film mixes vulgar dick jokes with the quest for martial arts enlightenment. 

     The movie was directed and written by Hong Kong legend Wong Jing, from the novel The Heaven Sword and Dragon Saber by Louis Cha Leung-yung (pen name Jin Yong). This novel has spawned several film versions and a TV mini-series. The fabulous Sammo Hung directs the action sequences, handles the fight choreography, and also has a part in the movie. Jet Li leads the cast.

Swords are crossed but balls aren't touching.
Verdict: not gay.

     Wong Jing’s public statements seem to mirror my feeling that no matter what other virtues or faults a film possesses, it absolutely must not be boring. The only way that a film (or any artwork) can truly fail is by failing to engage the viewer. By that standard, Mr. Wong rarely fails. In this case he has made a fast-paced, funny, weird movie packed with spectacle. “Kung Fu Cult Master” is a flawed but highly entertaining fantasy wuxia action epic. It runs too long and it’s very confusing, but it’s also a lot of fun and definitely worth a look.

     If you can accept that super-awesome kung-fu magic fights are happening, and you don’t need to know too much about exactly why they are happening, this is a movie for you. Some of the flicks we review are a real chore to watch over and over again, but I didn’t mind so much with this one. The plot is one of the most convoluted I’ve ever tried to review, and I couldn’t understand it until I found three different versions - an excellent English dub and two different subtitled versions - and watched them with a lot of comparison, rewinding, and note-taking. Figuring out who was who in the sprawling cast was a minor nightmare. It is really difficult to make sense of the complex political conflict behind the action, which involves at least ten different clans plus the Yuan government, all intriguing against one another.

I will now explain why I'm divorcing you
through interpretive dance.

     The thing to focus on is the personal journey of the hapless protagonist from bullied orphan weakling to ultimate master of kung fu. The epic scale of the movie remains grounded in the human story of a kid who’s had a hard life finally growing up by collecting kung fu “Ievel ups". I'm not sure that's very practical as a life lesson, but fortunately, I also don't care.

     The film begins with a lot of exposition. There are two main groups vying against each other. The “orthodox” faction is composed of six different martial arts clans allied under the leadership of Shaolin. The other five members are Wudang, Emei, Kun Lun, Hung Tung, and Wah San.

     The second faction is the Ming Sect, aka Evil Cult, aka Fire Clan, headquartered on Bright Peak. They are outsiders from Persia who want to bring down the Yuan government. The Ming Sect is led by four elders: Queen of Purple Dragon; King of White Eagle; King of Gold Lion; And King of Green Bat.

"My beard will eat your mustache."

     The minions of the different sects are conveniently color-coded, which is good because otherwise there would be absolutely no way to tell who is fighting whom. The Shaolin have saffron robes with shaved heads. The Wudang have blue robes and hair in topknots. The Emei are nuns who wear white or light brown. The Kun-lun dress all in brown. The Hung Tung wear red hooded robes. The Wah San wear black. The Ming Sect robe colors tend to match their elders’ colors, purple, silver, gold, and green, but one of the Ming armies also wears red so I don’t know what that’s about.

"Fame! I'm gonna live fore-e-ver..."

     The factions are seeking the knowledge contained in an artifact called the Lunar Scroll, which will make its possessor the greatest martial artist in the world. Two magic swords, Dragonslayer and Starcatcher, each contain half of the scroll. Dragonslayer is in the hands of the Golden Lion clan elder Tse Shun (Yan Huaili) of the Ming Sect, who slew its rightful owner. A wicked Emei sect nun called No-Mercy (Sun Meng-Quan) has the sword Starcatcher.

     One of the students of the orthodox Wudang, Chang Tsui San (Frances Ng) defies the rules and befriends Tse Chun of the Ming Sect. He also falls in love with the daughter of the King of White Eagle, Yan So So (Sharla Cheung). When Tse Chun obtains the Dragonslayer sword by killing its rightful owner, all three go into hiding on an island. There Chang Tsui San and Yan So So have a child named Mo-Kei who is the god-son of Tse Shun.

Portrait of the martial artist as a young man.

     The couple has come out of hiding to celebrate the 100th birthday of the Grandmaster of Wudang. A pair of kung-fu fighters known as the Two Jinxes show up (Leung Kar-Yan and Zhang Chun-Zhong). They ambush the family and take ten-year-old Mo-Kei hostage. The Grandmaster of Wudang, a fellow named Chang San Fung (Sammo Hung), flies onto the scene like Superman and tries to settle the situation down. When the Two Jinxes have the audacity to threaten the Master, he opens up a can of Sammo-sized whup-ass on them. The bad guys really ought to know better than to fuck with a 100-year-old guy who has white eyebrows down to his nipples. Haven’t these dumb fuckers watched Kill Bill? A serious butt-kicking ensues and I can already tell I am going to like this movie, because it is  full of wire-fu stunts and magic.

Want to see me crunch off the front of his skull
and slap his brain out through his face?

     The bad guys manage to hit Mo-Kei with a poisonous move called the Jinx’s Palm. The Grandmaster is away getting an antidote for Mo-Kei when the other five clans show up in force, each trying to leverage the situation to get their hands on Tse Shun’s magic sword.  The elders of the kung fu world and their armies of minions clearly have the advantage over Mo-Kei’s family. Mo-Kei’s father laughs at all of them and uses the power of pure spite to blow his own heart open all over his enemies rather than betray his friend.

     Mo-Kei’s mother tricks the elders into arguing amongst themselves, and lies about where to find the King of Golden Lion. She commits suicide while hugging her young son. She drenches him in her blood just moments after she tells him to avenge his father and warns him to never trust a woman. That is some fucked up parenting right there and psychiatry won’t be invented for a few centuries… so I guess you just walk off, little traumatized Mo-Kei.

This image haunts my nightmares.

     Whew. That brings us to the 15 minute mark, only 1 hour and 25 minutes to go.

     With backstory out of the way, the movie fast-forwards seven years. The grown up Mo-Kei (Jet Li) still suffers ill effects from being poisoned as a child. He lives at Wudang Mountain with Grandmaster Chang San Fung, the incredible 107 year old virgin. Sifu claims that retaining all of his sexual energy is part of his power, and he likes to talk about the outrageous throbbing potency of his morning wood.

     The students at Wudang like to bully Mo-Kei because his health prevents him from fighting back. His rotten cousin Sung Ching Su (Collin Chou) orchestrates the abuse. A visiting girl from the Emei sect, Chow Chi-Yu (Gigi Lai) joins in, playing a prank on Mo-Kei which leads to his being seriously beaten by the students. Sung Ching Su threatens to chop off Mo-Kei’s hand and murder him.

Mellow yellow.

     Without warning a mysterious woman in red shows up on the rooftops and helps Mo-Kei. She uses long chains binding her wrists together as weapons to fight with. He and his mystery ally are flung into a vine-filled ravine by Chow Chi-Yu with the power of the sword Starcatcher. Scummy cousin Sung Ching Su and sadistic nun Chow Chi-Yu cover their tracks by telling the Wudang elders that Mo-Kei was attacked and murdered by the woman in red, and they exacted justice by killing her.

     It turns out the woman in red, Siu Chu (Chingmy Yau), is sworn to serve the family of the King of White Eagle, Mo-Kei’s grandfather. Her hands are chained together because she offended White Eagle. Sleeping next to Siu Chu in the ravine, Mo-Kei wakes up with his very first boner and worries that he might have made her pregnant simply by getting morning wood in her vicinity.

You have successfully transmitted a baby into my body!

     A cannibalistic paraplegic with telekinetic kung-fu powers has lived in the ravine for decades. I couldn’t verify who played this part, but he is awesome. He flies around strapped to a giant boulder and makes all kinds of creepy threats. This section is surreal, funny, and just a little scary too. After Mo-Kei says he will never pollute his mind with the hermit’s kung fu, the magic hermit mind-rapes his own knowledge into Mo-Kei by clubbing him with vines and contorting his "student's" body. I don’t know how that works, but whatever. It turns out that this was the young man’s plan all along, since he knew about the hermit and what his powers could do. They fight and Mo-Kei is victorious.

Somebody hose off the 30 years of accumulated stink.

     Mo-Kei gets super glowy kung fu powers from the Great Solar School, the secret knowledge of the cannibal hermit. He becomes hard to hurt or kill, and he can shoot energy blasts out of his hands. This is also the key to completely curing him of the effects of the Jinx’s Palm. Now he can avenge his parents at last.

     At an inn, the pair encounters yet another mysterious woman, this one wearing a gold crown and leading elite Yuan government troops. Among her minions are the Two Jinxes, but there are far too many troops for Mo-Kei to start trouble even with his Solar Stance.

Harry Potter is so fucking jealous right now.

     Elsewhere, the elders of the six clans make plans to attack the Ming Sect at their headquarters on Bright Peak. The elders of the Wah Sah Clan (one played by Tenky Tin Kai-Man) are hilariously sleazy, letting slip their desire to steal both of the swords and molest the Emei nuns. The meeting is interrupted by one of the Ming Sect elders, the King of Green Bat, Wai Yat Siu (Richard Ng). He is some kind of living vampire. He can fly, drinks blood, and can turn into an actual bat. He is probably my favorite character in this movie, even though has a secondary part. He escapes and warns the Ming Sect of the coming attack by the six clans.

     There is a massive battle between the followers of the two factions. They use crazy cool battle tactics, nifty martial arts superpowers, magic, weird mechanical weapons, and more. The nun No-Mercy shows just how powerful a mistress of kung fu can be when armed with a magical sword.

BECAUSE I'M BATMAN!

     The Ming Sect has been warned to expect an assassin pretending to be the “dead” Mo-Kei, so when he shows up for real he ends up having to fight them with his brand new kung fu. Then No-Mercy recognizes him, and both sides of the battle are after him!

     Mo-Kei and Siu Chu are forced to flee to the tomb of the two masters who originally created the magic swords, a taboo place where the clans dare not follow. They find a monk there who reveals that he infiltrated the Shaolin 20 years ago, he’s working for the government, and he is using the Six Clans to destroy the Ming Clan. They fight and Mo-Kei punches the false monk so hard it snaps his fingers off. The injured villain uses trickery to make his escape.

"By the power of Grayskull!"

     Siu Chu helps Mo-Kei discover the secret of “Magic Stance” which is hidden in the tomb, written in Persian so that only Sui Chu is able to read it. The magic stance makes Mo-Kei even more powerful, since he is immediately able to absorb kung fu knowledge thanks to his Solar School upgrade. According to Siu Chu, the instructions direct the reader to deliver the secrets of the stance to Tse Shun. This raises the question of her motives. Is she also trying to find the sword Dragonslayer?

Meh, I've been on worse blind dates.

     Meanwhile the tide of battle turns agains the Ming Clan. Green Bat is injured, and White Eagle is impaled by at least half a dozen swords. He handles it like a boss, though, snapping the blades with his body and then pulling them out.

     Mo-Kei bursts through the wall like Kool-Aid Man and explains the conspiracy by the Yuan to make the clans fight each other. The Shaolin refuse to believe one of their masters was a traitor, and they send a champion to fights Mo-Kei. The good-hearted hero shows mercy after he beats the monk… so of course No Mercy steps up to the plate, because she fuckin’ hates mercy. Mo-Kei reveals his new Magic Stance by casually taking her sword, slapping her repeatedly, and cutting the chains the bind his friend Shiu Chu. The Emei continue to fight, and Mo-Kei is run through with a sword. This annoys him, and he blasts the offender away with chi power. The Wudang, out of respect for the honor and skill of their opponents, unite with the Ming to defend the injured hero. Mo-Kei entrusts the Wudang clan with Starchaser.

My eyebrows are invincible against your kung fu.

     The Ming Sect has a law that they must obey the master of Magic Stance, and they unite behind Mo-Kei as the new Clan Master. One oily advisor immediately appears from under a rock and tempts Mo-Kei with power... he could replace the Emperor! 

     The Wudang, while traveling home, are ambushed with a poison which steals their kung fu. All of the antidote in the town has been bought by one person, so Mo-Kei goes to Green Willow Villa where his true enemy is revealed. The leader of the Yuan government conspiracy is Princess Chao Min (Sharla Cheung, who also plays Mo-Kei’s mother!). She is  the woman he briefly saw at the inn earlier, commanding the Two Jinxes. She has been manipulating the clan infighting from the start. It appears that Chao Min has stolen the Starcatcher from the Wudang, but when the Ming elders try to recover the blade, it turns out to be a trick. The elders are exposed to poison which renders them helpless after they have traveled a short distance from the Villa.

Don't squeeze the Chao Min!

     Mo-Kei returns to confront the villainess. Chao Min gloats about the poison and performs a sneak attack with darts. Next she shoots spear-tipped strings from the musical instrument she is playing. The two go hand to hand and she proves to be a very formidable opponent. Mo-Kei throws people around Jedi-style, causes an earthquake, and strips off half of Chao Min’s clothes. She remains calm and composed the whole time, and demands that in return for the antidote he perform three favors for her, as long as they don’t violate his code of honor. Chao Min’s first spiteful demand is that Mo-Kei can never marry Siu Chu.

     The Emei nuns come across the helpless Ming elders. Siu Chu makes an agreement with No-Mercy. If Siu Chu can survive three strikes from the cruel nun, the Emei will spare the elders. Just as the lethal third blow lands, Mo-Kei leaps in to the rescue. Shortly afterward, the injured No-Mercy and the other nuns are captured by government troops.

No-Mercy and her Total-Lack-of-Humanity Dancers.

     The Shaolin turn out to have been slaughtered, and whoever did it left behind graffiti blaming the Ming. A fake Shaolin monk shows up at Wudang and attempts to assassinate Grandmaster Chang San-Fung. In the confusion, the scumbag cousin Sung Ching Su stabs his Grandmaster. Ching Su reveals he is working for the government. Government agents attempt to bribe the Wudang, but the injured Grandmaster fights them.

     Mo-Kei arrives and uses Magic Stance to go all Keanu Reeves on the government bad guys. He grabs their swords out of their hands with his mind and crushes them into a ball. Princess Chao Min shows up again and for her second favor, she demands that Mo-Kei refrain from using the Solar Stance or the Magic Stance while fighting the Two Jinxes. The Grandmaster gives him an instant Tai Chi lesson so he has a fighting chance. Eventually he prevails over the Jinxes in suitably melodramatic fashion.

Chime for me to send you to bell!

     Mo-Kei owes the princess one more favor. She wants him to come see her in the capital where she will allow him to fulfill his debt to her. It ends with this cliffhanger, and a whole lot of loose story threads dangling. Who is Siu Chu really working for? What happened to No-Mercy, Chow Chi-Yu, and the other Emei, Shaolin, and Wudang hostages? Will the swords be reunited and the secret of the Lunar Scroll revealed? Did they ever go back to help the crazy hermit like they promised? This movie was supposed to be the start of a trilogy but it wasn’t financially successful enough to earn a sequel and so we will never know what was in store for Mo-Kei.

Bonus nightmare fuel. Come sit on Santa's face!

Noooo-one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Jet Li casts Cone of Cold on the Demogorgon.

Retroactive abortion is an actual thing, right?

The Last Blood

The Last Blood (Hardboiled 2, Hardboiled 3, 12 Hours of Terror) Directed By Jing Wong, Starring Alan Tam (1990).

No, it's not a shitty vampire movie but an Andy Lau lightning fast non stop HK action flick directed by the producer of such shocking films as Ebola Syndrome and Chinese Torture Chamber Story. Jing is not much of a director sadly, the combo of goofy humor and cold blooded murder is confusing. It's very entertaining though and hard to blink because there's so much insanity involving racing, punching or emptying smoking clips. Just the kind of shit you crave in a 90's John Woo style free for all. It opens with a confusing intro about terrorists causing terror and other kinds of "Engrish". 

Andy Tam and Lau seem to have no character names (they do mention how they resemble the actors that play them which is pretty surreal), there's some of that unfunny comedy that rears its ugly head throughout. According to HKMDB, which always bails me out of confusion (IMDB is worthless when it comes to Hong Kong cinema), their fictional names are Lui Tai and Brother Bee. There's a gun licking psycho in the mix named Kama Kura (Chin Ho), he's upstairs while Lui Tai intercepts a terrorist compound by saying "Hey guys did anyone order a pizza?" Immediately after discovering he's their enemy and must be killed on sight, they all end up torn in half by a hail of gunfire. The ultra violence is brilliantly executed in a creative and shocking manor, it's a righteous bloodbath! 

This shit happens every time we eat spicy wings and forget to take Zantacs

Tam's best pal Stone (Leung Kar-Yan) is a mustachioed cop who talks while an unlit cigarette dangles from his mouth, Bun E. Carlos style and it looks like he had it surgically implanted onto his bottom lip. Everybody wants to assassinate the Daka lama played by Law Shu-Kei, I figure it's a typo for Dali Lama. It's very strange that Tam and his partner discuss how he kind of resembles the real Alan Tam.

I taught Richard Gere everything he knows about de-clawing Gerbils

Next the evil Saporo (Jackson Lau-Hok-Yin) shows up, who's quickly established as a sick fuck who callously stabs a girl that saw too much, no witnesses I guess.

They throw in some wacky airplane vomiting and toilet humor with Andy Lau and then he and his girlfriend run smack dab into the Dali Lama type figure and call him a fucking idiot--that's harsh! 

It turns out the big Lama is in deep shit because terrorists are waiting to murder him (ones that we briefly met in the beginning like Saporo, who I know as a delicious Japanese beer). 

Alan Tam and Stone (who's still got that cold ciggy), show up at the terminal and then Uzis start ripping through backs--Man do they create havok when they go anywhere! All characters end up in intensive care with the Dali hanging on for dear life and the last blood aspect is a rare transfusion that he needs. I'm sure I've seen other Andy Lau films, but here he's an unlikeable spoiled bitch and this is not a good gateway film for his career. I've yet to see a Jet Li film that I like come to think of it (there are a few in the catalog like Black Mask). Alan Tam however reaps in all the cool points and consistently shoots criminals right in the face. 

I just laid a turd that's the spitting image of Keanu Reeves!

The dumbest character is Fatty and no, sadly it's not Kent Cheng like you'd hope. He's played by Armor of God co-star Eric Tsang Chi-Wai. Brother B (Andy Lau) is a total dickhead and in my opinion doesn't deserve all the help and credit he gets. I usually fall asleep during car chases, but this one looks so painfully authentic--I mean one dude seemed as if he was actually incinerated and others carrying machine guns rip through flesh and bone while riding down the stairs and flying over hills in unison, pretty impressive shit. The comedy devises are pretty appalling and usually violence driven, Haw Haw that guy was just shot by accident, hilarious! There's a whole unfunny toilet scenario with Lau clutching his bottom. Thankfully Alan Tam shows up again to class up the joint. More terrorists are on the rampage though and holy shit, Stone turns out to be a traitor and it has something to do with that cigarette! 

Are you from Quitters Incorporated, I told you it's not lit!

One crazy bitch with an axe starts chopping up people at the hospital to get to the Dali. Tam does summersaults through glass over and over again to escape the psychotic Saporo (I hope it was sugar glass)! The way Saporo dies is amazing, just like a landshark, holding an air tank and getting blasted away! They actually tried to pass this off as a sequel to John Woo's Hardboiled, how weird is that shit? There's so much offensive humor and extreme violence that it still comes out a winner, yeah the pacing is a little sluggish but there's so much going on that it works.

FANTASTICALLY ACTION PACKED AND CONVOLUTED AS FUCK!

BURRRRRPPPPPPPPPP

Raped By An Angel 2: The Uniform Fan

Raped By An Angel 2: The Uniform Fan (Keung gaan chai fook yau waak) Directed By Aman Chang. Starring Francis Ng Chun-Yu (1998). 
I was slightly apprehensive to watch this sequel, I mean how could they top the last one, which if you remember fondly like I did, had an AIDS CLOWN? Let me explain; a women used her friend who was infected with the HIV virus as sexual bait for the maniac in a neon green clown suit from The Naked Killer 2 (or Raped By An Angel 1) and as punishment, contracted AIDS.
  

That's the last you'll ever see this hiv positive clown

   As far as I know, none of the sequels are related, I haven't seen Part 4 or 5 yet though, so each sequel has a new cast of killers and victims. In Uniform Fan, this new seedy character is a dental serial rapist named Philip Wong (Joe Ma Tak-Chung) who's into water sports and has an affinity for schoolgirl, mail worker or meter maid attire. 

   Two Asian stooges, one named Leonardo and another named Shitty(for real, no shit) are the awful comedy team in this sequel. Leo mentions he got his name "from the boy in Titanic" and I guess shitty is just a stinky fellow, they are played by Joe Ma Tak-Chung and Ronald Wong Ban. Both are out on parole, once they stumble upon a meter maid corpse that was raped and killed last night, they decide to carry her around like idiots. This is what passes for comedy in this dopey film. They stop at an outside restaurant and order western toast (which I can only assume means cowboy bread).

Not an authorized Raped By An Angel product

   A pretty female officer played by Athena Chu, fends off Leonardo's advances and her underage sister Jenny (Jane Chung Chun) goes to the dentist. The demented oral surgeon has hallucinations toward every women he looks at and envisions them radiating sexual attention toward him.

   The younger sister is drugged, but narrowly escapes being raped after the dental receptionist offers up her body instead to stop his perverted intentions. Something tells me she has been doing this for awhile. Philip the creepy hygienist stalks Jenny at her high school and buys her and some friends off with beer.

   My favorite part is when the dentist gets delusional fantasies about Jenny, who sticks her butt in the air and says plank me instead of spank.

   They try to recreate the similar romance between Leo the triad and a female officer (Chu) during the last sequel with Simon Yam and his girlfriend, but their chemistry is no comparison.

   Somehow at the party, Jenny is murdered by the evil dentist and her sister is punished for letting the rage get the best of her at work.

Corbin Bernsen eat my drill bit

    Uniform Fan has almost no bloodshed (other then the drill scene), but the warped storyline gives it enough momentum and entertainment value.

    Leo,who is sometimes called Bulky Kong (Ha--sounds like a Mike Tyson's Punch Out character), gets framed for rape by Mabel the dental assistant, who was already bruised and of course is also involved in his madness.

   After idiotic Shitty and Leo attempt to beat down the dentist in wacky disguises, he ties them up and goes to town on their teeth, using a craftsman drill. 

   Phillip's fate is sealed when he's confronted by the police women's field working granny, while trying to assault her grand daughter. This film by no means was as terrible as The Untold Story 2, which could never live up to the original impact. I'm in the sect of critics, who thought the original Naked Killer was pretty tame and too flashy for its own good. Raped Part 2 delivers in a more unabashed sleazy way, this one has got it's problems and is sort of forgettable, maybe part 4 will be more exciting. Jing Wong, is usually a name you can rely on when it comes to mind boggling depravity, his name is attached to the entire series. Better luck next time!

SLIGHTLY RECOMMENDED! This one is for Raped By An Angel completists only (if there are any)!

Available to rent on DVD via Netflix

Raped By An Angel

Raped By An Angel (Xiang Gang qi an: Zhi qiang jian)Directed By Wai-keung Lau (1993)           

            The Notorious Chinese smut peddler Jing Wong is up to his old tricks, or what Theater Of Guts readers love about this unstoppable juggernaut producer, actor, writer and director!

            The Naked Killer was reviewed before and I found it to be pretty dull in comparison, I saw this one before hand (because the Naked Killer is very popular and it had a long wait on Netflix)! You can keep that Basic Instinct knock off, Raped By An Angel in my opinion is head and shoulders above The Naked Killer in demented style, quality and hilarity!

            That vile Jing Wong staple of politically incorrectness is represented with an obscene amount of rape jokes and an appearance of an AIDS Clown (I’ll try not to reveal how that one happens)!

            South Park had an episode where they proclaimed AIDS jokes as finally funny (in 2002), well in Hong Kong, nothing excruciatingly unfunny as an AIDS joke is off the table! They did it in 1993! So keep that in mind as you watch this film (or any other Jing Wong helmed vehicle).  

            Here’s a quote from Mr. Wong himself, “Vulgarity is the basic instinct of human beings. Humans misinterpret vulgarity. I change vulgarity into art as to let you enjoy it” See folks, he allows us to enjoy the slop sluicing forth out of the Wong Jing Workshop, so be grateful!

Does it come with funny shaped balloons?

         Most of the actors from The Naked Killer are back again except in completely different roles, which seems to be the standard as far as these sequels go. They just add another chapter or layer in an over bloated pile of sickness and mayhem, so get used to it! And don’t get too attached to the characters from the last film because they will all assume other roles in this “sequel”, “Hey be glad they showed up at all!”

            I wonder if these films have sequels because they can, or that they were such a box office smash that there was a demand for them! The Naked Killer has 4 more sequels as many as Death Wish! The titles are just as lurid as the content (Raped By An Angel does have alot of offensive material towards women,obviously)! That’s a given in these situations and I doubt any woman would be overjoyed to check out the next pro-rape genre film, these seem to be very popular, it doesn't add up! Then again that can be said for almost all rape/ revenge genre films aside from Savage Streets, MS. 45, I Spit On Your Grave or The Angel sequels, which are all women's castration of rapist fantasy movies. That's my favorite part about all genre films, it's an equal opportunity battlefield and a sleazy outlet for the entire human race to enact cathartic scenarios against each other.

            Chingmy Yau Suk-Ching (Naked Killer, Satan Returns) is the object of Mr. Chuck’s (Mark Cheng) unhealthy fixation, he dons a hocky mask and later a clown suit, while lurking around and penetrating various unwelcomed orifices. Yau is a fitty milk spokeswomen for an incredible commercial with dairy and machineguns! 
            Mr. Chuck enjoys rape fantasy sex with his girlfriend and has a repulsive break in and pretend you are on a date with other women style of cat burglary. He is a genuine predator and when he first meets Chingmy at a fitty milk celebrity party, he gets overly fresh with her and she calls him a wolf then pours ice water on his balls. One girl at another party has a shrieky cartoonish voice does fellatio tricks with a banana and ice cubes. Some foreshadowing occurs when they introduce a friend named Cindy who happens to have AIDS.

            Later during a rape seminar at a college, the teacher mentions Mike Tyson and JFK as 2 famous examples of rapists! Simon Yam (Dr. Lamb, Run & Kill) shows up playing an egg tart eating Triad who hangs out in a salon, getting his hair done. He is a sensitive gangster who loves his mother, Yau interviews him for extra credit at school (since she’s failing her class). Meanwhile Yau starts to fall in love with Tat (Simon Yam), the triad with a heart of gold. There is a lot of condom use in Raped, nice that they promote safe sex, but no one who watches this is looking for a positive safe sex message!

            Mr. Chuck begins to prey on all of Yau's friends and breaks into their apartments. He has that Patrick Bateman personality flaw of high-powered classy rapist and I think they are both handsome powerful men, who could get women, but instead enjoy the thrill of murder and conquest.

            Chuck cracks open about 4 condoms after brutally assaulting Man Man (who's a woman) afterwards he gets mad that she fucked up his hair and doesn't even acknowledge her shrieks of displeasure, he seems to relish them. He traps her in his apartment and forces her to be his makeshift wife. One of the mentally challenged leftovers (from Red To Kill) is led in blindfolded and gleefully assaults the same girl chained up in Mr. Chuck apartment! He also blackmails all of his former girlfriends on video (like an Asian Dennis Reynolds)! 

           A CID agent halls Chuck into court and there is a goofy courtroom scene and they all wear hilarious powdered wigs! Like in Lipstick and every other rapist convicted in court film, they are genius liars and always get sympathy from the judge and dumb jurors. In these films it’s always a nice set up for a final revenge showdown.

            I should mention that the judge is an American biker looking dude speaking dubbed Cantonese. 
           There's an unbelievable moment when Chuck uses a chainsaw to dispose of a body and it makes squeaky balloon noises (the film quality goes down a little, this is most likely a deleted scene). But it goes even further into cartoon territory when he brings Yau a present of a life-sized statue of a green haired clown. He gets trapped into contracting full blown AIDS, now that might be the sickest, mean spirited form of revenge ever committed!

Friday The 13th: The Final STD

            Jing Wong has been accused of going for the last tasteless dollar and appealing to the lowest common denominator (or the entry level human). It's all true! but why the hell not! I mean if Hollywood is pretending to champion art while at the same time wallowing in trash and misery, what's better? denial or honesty! That's why I have to say, exploitation has the full range of depraved honesty and shouldn't be judged in this light, if you don't want to see this kind of harmless filth, don't watch it! So I suggest you watch Naked Killer after this one, that way you won’t be disappointed in thinking it’s an actual sequel.

           

News Team Assemble

AIDS jokes were funny in Hong Kong in the 90's

The way to a Triad's heart is through extreme violence

WATCH HERE

Chinese Torture Chamber Story 2

Chinese Torture Chamber Story 2 Directed By Kin-Nam Cho. Starring Yolinda Yam (1998)

  Due to popular demand, I bring you Chinese Torture fans what you've been drooling over, part 2! An entirely new cast is back for more period piece style punishment (that's a truckload of P's)!

What happens in this sequel? There's someone named Ma (I'm picturing Big Ma from Dr. Detroit is gonna hop out any moment for that promised sequel, the Wrath Of Mom)! 

  No wait! it's a dude named Ma, ohh I should have known, Jing Wong, you old trickster! A bunch of executioners in hoods show up, they look like a Chinese Mentors cover band and squeeze our new heroine, Lotus' tits off in an itchy net! Just like the first film, it flashes back to what led everyone into this sticky situation. 

  Three shirtless bros go fishing, one is named Wong, Wong can fish. They bring Mr. Mom (Ha! get it?) back to their hut for some hospitality and treat him like he's above them (there's that caste system at work again). Wong's wife is super horny and precedes to seductively lick a fried fish.The fried fish babe and Wong bang a gong for a long time. Even though they are poor criminal farmers, Ma forces them to pray and swear that they will never rob again, but they are awful at hunting and may starve and die. 

  Mr. Ma sails away and leaves them for a little while, but then returns to pick up Lotus. Now into the present, they show her get squeezed again in the net, while this sicko slices pieces of her flesh. Ma has a torture dungeon and henchmen who inflict pain by way of creative torture techniques. One gruesome scene has a flaming hot death dildo going up a female bandit's cooter.

  Ma is a secret sadist that justifies his actions of brain removal and perverted execution by saying all thieves are enemies of the state and should be dealt with. I think they intentionally waited 30 minutes in to bring the pain train, so that people who didn't expect it got slapped over the head, nice work Jing Wong, I'd expect nothing less. 

Mommy Don't Play That!

  Mr. Ma puts a vampire mask on the bitchiest woman in the world's vagina and even acts like a bloodsucker. There's a flashback and forward scene with genital violence in both segments. Fans of the skullcracking mercury antics of the first film should be satisfied with that amount of carnage. One poor unfortunate bastard's chompy bits are mixed with some wine and squashed like a tomato. Then they break out the swords and start dismembering. Wong ends up a human puppet with boiling oil getting poured into his ear canals and his lips sewn up Dee Snider in Strangeland style.   

  Unlike the first film, they don't establish enough sympathy for you to identify with each character, however there is enough bloodshed and sex to keep it entertaining.

  I'm not that heartless and did start to feel sorry for them toward the end. Ma ends up getting what he deserves and the payoff is well worth sticking around for! Check it out and stay classy torture fans. 

You win the prize

Red Hot Chili Pecker

WATCH HERE

The Untold Story

The Untold Story (or Bat sin fan dim ji yan yuk cha siu bau, Human Meat Buns, Bunman) Directed By Herman Yau. Starring Anthony Wong. (1993).
          Based on a true story that happened in 1976 of a degenerate fry cook who hacked up people and turned them into pork buns. Anthony Wong plays Wong Chi Hang and stated that in reality the restaurant the real killer worked at suffered even after an arrest was made, because it had tainted their reputation. That kinda shit is fine at Jack In The Box, how do they manage to stay open?           
          Wong is terrifying in this role and would later parody it alot in various different incarnations. He makes a bunch of goofy faces but the impact of his ferocious aggression gives his performance alot of merit. Herman Yau and Wong met in film school and they would inspire other rip offs (Human Sausages came out a year later). 
          Severed limbs are found on a beach in Machau in present 1986, the film begins with a flashback of a gruesome murder. Wong Chi Hang is settling a score by dousing the soon to be ex-restaurant manager in gasoline and tossing a lit match right onto his crotch. The comedy relief like most Hong Kong cinema is provided by wacky and overly misogynistic police! Once they get to the crime scene they tamper with evidence and laugh about how bad the rotten bodies smell, saying "it's most likely illegals that were eaten by sharks!" The police behaving like insane baboons is an intentional anti-authority statement.
          Wong is now working at the Eight Immortals Restaurant and he may have changed his identity and hairstyle but his ways of butchery and mayhem are the same. He bickers over a lawyer refusing to grant him ownership of the restaurant and without permission from his boss (the charred corpse from the beginning flashback) he can't take over. Wong gets pissy anytime someone calls him a cheater. The police mishandling evidence and clowning around is so over the top that it's as if they crossed an Asian version of the cops on Barney Miller and left them in charge of the cases on The Shield.
           A new employee and a hostess/cashier are in on Wong's cheating at Mahjong, but they have no idea what level of sadism he is capable of! Later on that night he pummels the living shit out of the new employee with a ladle and stabs him in the eye with a receipt holder (in front of a huge 7-Up sign)! Then he separates his chest, immediately boils his organs and dresses the carcass like a pig (it all looks alarmingly realistic)! He washes his hands in his piss then uses the remains to create tasty looking dim-sum, where's the motherfucking health inspector when you need them! The police finally show up at the establishment and he feeds them dim sum filled with human carcass meat and no one suspects anything (I mean why would they?)
          The first half of the film is grotesque, but nothing is as vile at the last 15 minutes, it's just so unpleasant. Wong traps the hostess in the back room, molests her, burns her hands with scalding water and violently defiles her with chopsticks, ending her life. The contrast between vicious slaughter and wacky police comedy stylings is very unsettling and alittle frustrating. 
          Incredibly enough, the police catch him by staking out a dumpster and find the former resturant owners ID's and passports in the trash. Once he's sent to prison, the police and different convicts put him through rigid torture and sleep depravation and he drinks someone else's piss to cure his internal wounds (I think he read that in Martha Stewart: Living)! 
          Just when you think the film is winding down, Yau slaps us around by showing us the ghastly dismemberment of an entire family. Untold Story left me with a hopeless nihilistic feeling and Wong won an award for his convincing portrayal, whereas if a U.S. actor starred in something like this it would have destroyed their career. This film is for hardcore jaded horror fanatics only, you've been warned.

Chinese Fire Crotch!

Make 7...... Up Yours

Chinese Cold Case Files

BEWARE