Cthlulu Mansion

 Cthlulu Mansion Directed By Juan Piquer Simon (1990)

 

From the auteur behind two exploitive gross-out classics, Pieces and Slugs-the movie! This one has that bizarre ESL type dialogue where people sound “Murican”. This just makes an already ridiculous movie even more enjoyable. Simon has some duds in his career (entertaining ones nonetheless like Pod People aka Extraterrestrial Visitors).

 

I recognized  actor Frank Finlay from Lifeforce (1985), he plays a magician who incinerates his wife accidentally using Love-craftian magic. 

 

Doug Henning was my star pupil!

A middle-aged gang led by Hawk (Brad Fisher) sell coke in a haunted house ride. It’s an impressively ghoulish location, sort of like a run-down version of the London Dungeon.

 

Chandou the magician and his daughter Lisa (Marcia Layton) get abducted by the gang but they all finally end up at his mansion. Oh, and he seems to have a closed eye on the palm of his hand or some mutation that will pay off later.

 

that's just my skin condition, "DON'T MENTION IT AGAIN"!

Candy (Kaethe Cherney) a frizzy haired punkette says “I love Tuna” after biting into a sandwich.

Later on, she says “I bet you wipe your ass with 20$ bills”! Now there’s some choice JP Simon dialogue right there!

 

The punks throw darts at a painting of the magician's daughter, terrorize Chando’s mansion and generally create havok.

Lenora, the magician’s wife possesses Candy and warns her husband that “Evil is Now Congregating” since he opened the portal!

 

I haven't seen one bloody tentacle, so let's call this Chandor's mansion

These giant Ed Roth style monster hands pop out of the fridge and drag in Candy. She was my favorite character but sadly she’s now in refrigerator heaven.

 

all the ratfinks and weird-oh model kits live in this fridge.

A detective who kind of resembles Billy Ocean gets killed then a bag of coke drifts over to the fireplace and bursts into flames.

 

One character gets in the shower and then drowns in blood. Hawk is later haunted by the ghosts of the victims.

 

Eva suffers the same fate as Bobby Joe from Evil Dead 2. Tree vines cover her body and dissolve her. I enjoyed this one more each time I watched it and that was twice. JP Simon has some clunkers in his catalog but this is certainly NOT one of them. Well worth owning on blu ray.

I guess for me it's a tie between The Rift and Trumpy aka Pod People/Extra-terrestrial visitors for worst.

excuse me?