USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK- She Wolves of the Wasteland/ Phoenix The Warrior

 

She wolves of the Wasteland - 1988 Directed by Robert Hayes

Reviewed by Mark J.

The movie starts with these Cool Mad Max dune buggies cruising around Death Valley, or is it Chatsworth? Welcome to a world destroyed by men, and ruled by women with automatic weapons and Dark Powers! Is this Thundarr the Barbarian? No, not even close. 

 The Wastelands are ruled by the Reverend Mother who is hell bent on purifying the gene pool. She looks like the Bride of Palpatine, and you can tell how evil she is by how much plastic tubing she wears. Cobalt, her number one, is a ruthless witch who serves her. She has these tubes all over her witchy ensemble. 

Persis Khambatta as Cobalt is also the bald chick from Star Trek!

 Her pussy posse captures a random gal after a short chase, and brings the victim to her mistress to feed upon. The screams can be heard across the wastes, and down in the plumbing. Of course her thirst is never satisfied. 

“My genetic program ruined by your stupidity.”

 Next we meet the Girl Gang engaged in lots of posing, most of them look like punk/rocker chicks, but one is dressed in a square looking business suit and tie with her hair pulled back like One of the Guys. A poor innocent woman is being savaged by two badass babes, and her friend has a gun pointed at her. 

Hairnet is bountiful in The Wastelands

 Enter our hero Phoenix the Sand Trapper, who eats an apple and kills the bad girls and Keela, the blonde victim, runs around the rocks. It turns out she's pregnant with a boy! More baddies are after them so they run and hide somewhere past an old car door in the desert. 

Kathleen Kinmount, who plays Phoenix, was in Playboy and Halloween 4

 Meanwhile the buggy babes are tracking them, but they stop for a few minutes to have a catfight before picking up the trail. That first kick didn’t even connect! Is this a fight or some form of post apocalyptic interpretive dance? 

Thankfully our heroes happen upon a waterfall, in the desert even, cuz that’s a thing. Now they get to check out the extended soft waterfall porn scene! Pretty sure every woman is gay in this world. Now watch the sexy dancing and gyrating, and a woman moaning as she gives birth. Making babies is always sexy, even the last part when the baby comes out. 

that baby shat out of her perineum like nobodies biz

Whew, now we have a baby but oh no, the bad guys kill everyone but our two heroes. 

 Next we meet Skylar, their version of the Feral Kid. Apparently this kid is going to have special powers. Have 5 years gone by?! They wander a bit til they find a shack where the kid finds a porno mag, but mom takes it away from him. That’s how I feel about this movie. It promises to be sexy, but then it ends up just being this weird idea of what a prepubescent teen might THINK is sexy. 

we're totally sexy

 It turns out the shack is owned by the last man on earth, who tries to fight them but ends up unconscious so they try to rape him, but he can't get a boner so they give up. The dudes chill though, so he helps them escape through a pipe. Now Phoenix is captured but the others escape thanks to an exploding music box. Phoenix is sent to the fighting pits where she does some cool sword battles. Much fantasy! She kills two punker chicks, one who is pretty much just wearing electrical tape. Then she fights Neon, who attacks her shield repeatedly to break it. Then her friend comes and shoots a bunch of people, then Phoenix gets some help and hops the fence, then shoots the gun, but not as well. 

blurry loincloth-fu

 Now they have a car, so they can cruise around with no real destination, until they run out of gas and wander through the creepy Razul burial ground. 

 Then mutants attack! Our dude kills a TV, and a few of the mutants!

just imagine the mutants OK?

But they end up capturing them, and the males are taken away to be harvested or something. The mutants try to cancel our two nubile heroes with the TV Guide, but Neon saves them! 

reading is fun even for the mutated.

 Cut to the final battle that starts with many explosions to draw out the bloody butch gal who scares everyone with all the bloody streaks down her face, but she just falls and dies before she can do anything. 

I mean it was all worth it right?

 Cobalt hunts them through the tunnels with a gun until Phoenix swings in on a chain, uselessly getting cornered against a pipe where she is about to be stabbed but no! She pulls the classic pull the pin on the grenade trick FTW! Now that evil mother is the last one left. She almost defeats our heroes with her mystic mind powers, but Keela cuts her weird cyborg umbilical cord, and kills the malevolent matriarch. 

Queue Phoenix riding off on a horse by herself, ready for the next adventure.