USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: ONCE BITTEN

Once Bitten directed by Howard Storm 1985 

Reviewed by Goat Scrote 

Today we delve into something truly disturbing: A 1980s vampire sex comedy starring Lauren Hutton, Cleavon Little, and a rubber-faced young unknown named Jim Carrey. It's very much a product of its era. That means problematic attitudes about gender roles, relationships, race, and sexuality. It's rated PG-13 because of the sexual themes and a little bit of nudity (mostly male). Unfortunately, it's too tame to be sexy, too bland to be funny, too toothless to be scary, but it still wasn't as bad as I feared. It's a middle-of-the-road bit of '80s nostalgia that I mainly recommend to Jim Carrey fans and vampire-movie completists. 

Caution, this movie sucksssss

The Countess (Lauren Hutton) is a vampire with a problem. Apparently, in 1980s Los Angeles, there is a shortage of her favorite morbid beverage. She needs the blood of male virgins who are over the age of consent to maintain her youth and beauty. Going in to this review, the only thing I could remember about the movie is that the Countess must bite her virginal victims on the inner thigh, close to the source of their untapped sexual potential, rather than on the neck. 

Campari or artery juicey juice?

She is served by Sebastian (Cleavon Little), an effete manservant. Twice they make the same joke about Sebastian coming out of the Countess' closet. Still, Sebastian pretty much steals the show and Cleavon Little is clearly having a good time hamming it up.

 She also has an entourage of previous victims, frozen in time. Her minions continue to dress in clothes from the periods they died in. They aren't given a whole lot to do, which is fine. They are supposed to be quirky and cute, I think, but they're just sort of groan-worthy. You may recognize actor Stuart Charno from "Friday the Thirteenth Part 2" among other places. 

Get my agent on the phone pronto!

Dominick Brascia, Joey from "Friday the Thirteenth: A New Beginning", makes a brief cameo at the drive-in theater, where everyone is getting laid except Mark Kendall and his girlfriend Robin (Karen Kopins). The next day he and his two friends lament their continued virginity. They decide to go to Hollywood to try to pick up women in Mark's ice-cream truck. 

There's a montage of weird sights that they see around Hollywood, interspersed with the minions of the Countess chasing the ice cream truck for no clear reason. Why has the Countess has been having so much trouble, since her followers can apparently sense virginity from a distance?! 

where's Captain Kronos when you need him?

The trio of ultra-virgins arrives at a singles meet-up place where you can phone other tables and talk to the people there. It's basically Tinder but for the rotary-dial age. Here the Countess makes her move and picks up Mark. His friends, meanwhile, get caught up in shenanigans involving a jealous husband and a gun. 

Dial-a-Duhhhh

Back at the Countess' home, she quickly seduces mark, and he yelps "ouch" as she goes offscreen to bite his thigh. He awakens the next morning feeling tired and heads back home. His friends and parents soon notice that Mark is behaving oddly: Sleeping in a trunk in his room, dressing all in black, wearing sunglasses indoors... 

don't look over my shoulder, there's titties.

Robin finds out about the infidelity and the young lovers have a spat. Later she seems to forgive him when he comes by the clothing store where she works to make up. He is trying on clothes when the Countess appears in his dressing room and goes in for round two. She only needs to feed on Mark one more time, the next night, in order to maintain her beauty and make Mark her undead servant forever. If she fails to drink by midnight, however, it will mean disaster! 

At the Halloween Dance that night at Mark and Robin's school, the Countess shows up and tries to take Mark away. What follows is a fairly epic dance-off over the fate of Mark's body and soul. Robin is the winner, and the Countess is forced to leave, temporarily defeated. 

I want to drain your main vein

Later Robin asks Mark's two virgin buddies to check his inner thigh for bite marks. This leads to a scene in the boy's locker room shower where they grab Mark and try to look at his crotch, which leads the rest of the boys to scream "fags!" and flee as if they were in deadly danger. Sigh. 

Now that I picked up the soap allow me to scrub your taint

That night Robin is abducted into the Countess' limousine right in front of Mark and his friends. They head after them to the Countess' mansion and break into the basement. They find Robin tied to a chair and free her, then start looking for the way out. They are intercepted by the vampire minions, and the trap is sprung. They are all taken captive. 

 Mark is strapped into something like a gynecological exam chair and strapped in, sans trousers. The Countess is determined to have her third drink. Robin breaks free and threatens the vampires with a cross. The Countess laughs and says that she's an atheist. When threatened with fire, however, the vampires back off. Robin and Mark make a run for it while the two buddies cover their retreat. This leads to a zany chase around the mansion, which is built more like a funhouse. 

Take your coffin nails and leave my casket!

The two buddies hit on a couple of the female vampire minions, who promptly get naked and (presumably) take their virginity. Meanwhile, Mark and Robin end up in the room full of coffins where the vampires sleep during the day. 

When the vampires burst in they don't see anyone at first. Mark and Robin are hiding inside one of the coffins in the vampire lair, and let's just say, "If this coffin is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'". Mark has lost his virginity and is no longer of any use to the vampiress. As midnight chimes on All Hallow's Eve, he Countess begins to age rapidly and ends up an elderly lady. Her minions all abandon her, except for loyal Sebastian, who assures her that they will find another virgin somewhere "...like Kansas, or Nebraska." Rating: 3 out of 5 raw meat patties.