The Legendary Stardust Brothers

 

Legend of the Stardust brothers (星くず兄弟の伝説, Hoshikuzu kyôdai no densetsu) When my best pal Goat Scrote, who is a Mosquito the Rapist merit badge winning champ and I saw this film together, we knew this was a major crowd pleaser. In case you forgot, read Goat’s review of the dreaded aforementioned film click this link. 

Then my birthday rolled around and I knew Stardust Bros was thee movie others had to fuggin see to believe. Yes, it’s that good. If you are a fan of musicals or even if you aren't, fear not this movie covers all bases and will win you over. There’s even a snappy peppy number with the bloated corpse of Hitler. Yowie Zowie! 

My advice is to gather your more adventurous film nerd pals and get baked or drunk and crank this shit up! It starts off in B&W, next the brothers dance in unison and boast that 2 yrs ago they hit rock bottom. They are super flashy and their song is insanely infectious. Their names are Shingo (Shingo Kubota) and Kan (Kan Takagi).

Kan is the androgynous one

There’s lots of Japanese Punkers and chipper girls, zombies and animated parts. The main singer of London Boots wears a Degrassi (1987-89) Joey Jeremiah style hat. He breaks into a fake Wham! sounding earnest number. This is Shingo, future brother of Kan's former band. 

    Zit Remedy? More like Shit Remedy!

I like the business deal location area which looks like an abandoned high school. Two thug punks guard the studio with chains and bats. Kan and Shingo meet Turtle, a petite little cutie who’s tougher than she looks. She is played by Kyoko Togawa.

There's got to be a morning after....

This movie is part Wizard of Oz and Eastern Phantom of the Paradise but that’s not even scratching the surface. There are lots of songs, better than VH1 type rock band montages most tunes are fun as hell but later on the drama hits hard. The three band members meet a slick mutton chopped label head who’s look reminded me of Jim Jones (who was a big Elvis fan too). He goes into a new wave ditty that’s like Valley Girl and the makeover scene in WOZ. 

don't worry Japanese Kool-Aid is safe.

There’s also the obvious nod to A Hard Day’s Night. The band explodes in popularity as the executive with glasses and mutton chops sings the plot points. The Bros sing about how shitty it is to be famous with a sheer brilliant take on MTV style crash and burn out. 

STARDUST-MANIA

They all sing and dance on various sets and finally down a long staircase. There’s a moody Goth number that mentions credit cards being maxed out and cheating. There’s an insane song that ignites after Shingo’s temporary white girlfriend lights up his cig. 

LSB has zombies, stop motion creatures, mummies, it packs so much entertainment value in. A haunted nurse with a giant syringe causes the Dust bros to fly through another highly entertaining acid trip through time space and animation. Drop the orange sunshine already! Like Dr. Pretorius says to Crawford in From Beyond let the pineal gland party "Let it happen".

No I won't sign Robert Englund autographs

This aforementioned scene is a short clip you could use to whet someone’s appetite that may be on the fence about Asian films of this ilk. This film is very unique and should be in the Destroy All Movies book for its punk ascetic. The ska number with a Morricone adjacent organ solo is just bonkers in the best way.

I beat Liquid Television's dead ass!

One night the female character goes on stage instead of the Dust bros. Her song is one of my favorites. It has 2 keytars and is catchy AF. Marimo the former little turtle has surpassed the Stardust bros in fame and worst of all she is being chased by a goth rocker. He sings about how tanned skin is already out of season. 

Arm LBGTQ plus now!

This movie demands for you to be under the influence so light up with whatever you got and enjoy the buzz. This was a recent find and I remember the Alamo Drafthouse in SF played it but I never heard of it or maybe just forgot. It’s astoundingly fun, the songs are great and it was all inspired by Winslow Leach of Phantom of the Paradise fame and most likely Paul Williams. Oh, and don’t miss the ending which marks a disturbing cameo by Hitler.

LSB IS ALL THAT AND A BAG OF WASABI SHRIMP CHIPS

You can watch it on TUBI! (Note Tubi is connected to Fox News which makes all us Liberals feel dirty while I doubt Conservatives care this much about cult films). At any rate that channel always has something from all the companies cult movie fanatics tend to buy. Severin, Alamo Drafthouse, AGFA, Blue Underground, Shout Factory and Contv. 

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Night Life review by Richard Glenn Schmidt

 

Night Life by Richard Glenn Schmidt

Thanks Richard for contributing with this review, make sure you check out his website and read all of his books and reviews. Link here

Archie Melville, played by Scott Grimes of Critters (1986), is a smarty pants high school kid with his eyes on college. When Archie’s father passed away, he left the family funeral home business to his dickbagel Uncle Verlin (John Astin) with the stipulation that Archie has to work at the funeral home throughout high school. This way he can earn the money for his college tuition. Thanks, dad! Due to his creepy after school job and his already geeky persona, Archie is a pariah around town, and so a quartet of psycho popular kids are out to get him, but also, they’re just big meanies.

sign of quality?

Archie’s only friend is Charly (Cheryl Pollak), the local grease monkey that the bullies treat like crapola, because they’re just big (sexist) meanies (who don’t believe that girls can work on cars or something). When Charly and Archie dare to stand up to these cretins, the leader named Roger uses his own girlfriend Joanie (Lisa Fuller) as a sexy distraction so that he and his douche-bro can pull a sicko prank on Archie. The prank gets Archie fired from the funeral home, putting his whole future in jeopardy. The joke’s on good old Rog, because he and his crew die that very night in a horrific car accident. Due to Uncle Verlin’s gross incompetence at running the funeral home, this blessing/tragedy actually gets Archie get his job back! 

the laughs are on me!

The fun begins when it turns out that bullies’ car accident was with a tanker truck full of a mysterious gaseous substance (let’s just call it “Chemical X” for now) which, as you well know, means that all it will take to bring them back to life is one lightning bolt! Queue the freak thunderstorm and… Bam! We’ve got Night of the Living Buttholes. Now, Archie and Charly have to fight for their lives against these undead baddies in the feature film from Creative Movie Marketing and Wild Night Productions called Night Life. Rated R. 89 minutes. 

we hate you Scott Grimes!

Damn, that was a lot of plot! And that’s the short version. Anyway, Night Life (1989) is not to be confused with the vampire comedy called Nightlife (also 1989), but what if you did? What would be the actual crime in that, eh? Night Life also has its own identity crisis going on. After a solemn and grotesque opening sequence in the mortuary more appropriate for Joe D’Amato’s Beyond the Darkness (1979), you might think that you’ve got the wrong movie. But no, Night Life is as interested in the gritty realities of the mortuary business as it is in goofing off! 

it's a headlight bustin good time.

Director David Acomba’s big claim to fame is that he directed that cool and weird animated segment in The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978); but specifically catering to my niche interests, he also directed Andrea Martin… Together Again (1989) featuring Martin and some of her SCTV alums. Writer Keith Critchlow didn’t do a whole lot. His only other writing credit is Volunteers (1985), a Tom Hanks/John Candy dud that no one remembers but me. Producers Susan Nicoletti and Charles Lippincott would flush their careers down the toilet on Judge Dredd (1995). On a happier note, effects artist Ed French brought the splatter goods to films like C.H.U.D. (1985), The Stuff (1985), and Blood Rage (1987). 

only Richard remembers this film.

Grimes is very likeable in the lead and I imagine that in real life, he was only ever bullied by people who got mad that Will McCorkle didn’t get his own spin-off series. John Astin, of The Addams Family fame, is way, way too good at playing Uncle Shithead. Oh my God, I found myself yelling at his character when he was onscreen. His blustery blowhard bullslap is infuriating as hell, but at least he utters the immortal line: “Condensation?! Jesus D. God!” 

Lisa played the non virgin in Monster Squad as well.

One of my favorite members of this cast is Lisa Fuller. She was all over the place in the 80s, but it’s her pivotal role as the perky, popular, and perfect Randa in the masterpiece known as Teen Witch (1989) that really warm my heart. And then there’s Cheryl Pollak. The way she delivers dialogue with her nightmarish and whiny inflection is certainly unique, or maybe just bad. Pollak forever stole my soul as Darla Blake, the band-geeky love interest in My Best Friend is a Vampire (1987). Character actor extraordinaire, Alan Blumenfeld, is also here and he calls Archie “a pussy”. He’s always great.

is my hair OK?

Fans of Mortuary (1982) and One Dark Night (1981) would do well to check out Night Life, because this reminds me of those movies in a good way. There are plenty of spooky moments, show stopping gore gags, and cool action set pieces to keep things moving. The ghouls at the end get a bit Terminator-like with their unstoppability bullcarp, but I never get bored. Night Life is a weirdly satisfying film that feels as though it was tailor-made to be caught on cable in the middle of the night and leave you wondering, “What the heck did I just watch?” 

In the May 1989 issue of Fangoria, writer Larry Barsky has an article about his visit to the set of Night Life. He describes being wowed by the big explosive setpiece in the film and talks to members of the cast and crew. Publicist Steve Jones describes the early parts of the film as “pretty much like Ferris Bueller’s Day.” Yeah, I’m still trying to imagine Ferris Bueller dumping a bucket of blood or a severed arm into a dumpster. Sure. Grimes himself tells Barsky that “Night Life has a Lost Boys feel.” Now that I can totally agree with, except no, not at all.

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: ONCE BITTEN

Once Bitten directed by Howard Storm 1985 

Reviewed by Goat Scrote 

Today we delve into something truly disturbing: A 1980s vampire sex comedy starring Lauren Hutton, Cleavon Little, and a rubber-faced young unknown named Jim Carrey. It's very much a product of its era. That means problematic attitudes about gender roles, relationships, race, and sexuality. It's rated PG-13 because of the sexual themes and a little bit of nudity (mostly male). Unfortunately, it's too tame to be sexy, too bland to be funny, too toothless to be scary, but it still wasn't as bad as I feared. It's a middle-of-the-road bit of '80s nostalgia that I mainly recommend to Jim Carrey fans and vampire-movie completists. 

Caution, this movie sucksssss

The Countess (Lauren Hutton) is a vampire with a problem. Apparently, in 1980s Los Angeles, there is a shortage of her favorite morbid beverage. She needs the blood of male virgins who are over the age of consent to maintain her youth and beauty. Going in to this review, the only thing I could remember about the movie is that the Countess must bite her virginal victims on the inner thigh, close to the source of their untapped sexual potential, rather than on the neck. 

Campari or artery juicey juice?

She is served by Sebastian (Cleavon Little), an effete manservant. Twice they make the same joke about Sebastian coming out of the Countess' closet. Still, Sebastian pretty much steals the show and Cleavon Little is clearly having a good time hamming it up.

 She also has an entourage of previous victims, frozen in time. Her minions continue to dress in clothes from the periods they died in. They aren't given a whole lot to do, which is fine. They are supposed to be quirky and cute, I think, but they're just sort of groan-worthy. You may recognize actor Stuart Charno from "Friday the Thirteenth Part 2" among other places. 

Get my agent on the phone pronto!

Dominick Brascia, Joey from "Friday the Thirteenth: A New Beginning", makes a brief cameo at the drive-in theater, where everyone is getting laid except Mark Kendall and his girlfriend Robin (Karen Kopins). The next day he and his two friends lament their continued virginity. They decide to go to Hollywood to try to pick up women in Mark's ice-cream truck. 

There's a montage of weird sights that they see around Hollywood, interspersed with the minions of the Countess chasing the ice cream truck for no clear reason. Why has the Countess has been having so much trouble, since her followers can apparently sense virginity from a distance?! 

where's Captain Kronos when you need him?

The trio of ultra-virgins arrives at a singles meet-up place where you can phone other tables and talk to the people there. It's basically Tinder but for the rotary-dial age. Here the Countess makes her move and picks up Mark. His friends, meanwhile, get caught up in shenanigans involving a jealous husband and a gun. 

Dial-a-Duhhhh

Back at the Countess' home, she quickly seduces mark, and he yelps "ouch" as she goes offscreen to bite his thigh. He awakens the next morning feeling tired and heads back home. His friends and parents soon notice that Mark is behaving oddly: Sleeping in a trunk in his room, dressing all in black, wearing sunglasses indoors... 

don't look over my shoulder, there's titties.

Robin finds out about the infidelity and the young lovers have a spat. Later she seems to forgive him when he comes by the clothing store where she works to make up. He is trying on clothes when the Countess appears in his dressing room and goes in for round two. She only needs to feed on Mark one more time, the next night, in order to maintain her beauty and make Mark her undead servant forever. If she fails to drink by midnight, however, it will mean disaster! 

At the Halloween Dance that night at Mark and Robin's school, the Countess shows up and tries to take Mark away. What follows is a fairly epic dance-off over the fate of Mark's body and soul. Robin is the winner, and the Countess is forced to leave, temporarily defeated. 

I want to drain your main vein

Later Robin asks Mark's two virgin buddies to check his inner thigh for bite marks. This leads to a scene in the boy's locker room shower where they grab Mark and try to look at his crotch, which leads the rest of the boys to scream "fags!" and flee as if they were in deadly danger. Sigh. 

Now that I picked up the soap allow me to scrub your taint

That night Robin is abducted into the Countess' limousine right in front of Mark and his friends. They head after them to the Countess' mansion and break into the basement. They find Robin tied to a chair and free her, then start looking for the way out. They are intercepted by the vampire minions, and the trap is sprung. They are all taken captive. 

 Mark is strapped into something like a gynecological exam chair and strapped in, sans trousers. The Countess is determined to have her third drink. Robin breaks free and threatens the vampires with a cross. The Countess laughs and says that she's an atheist. When threatened with fire, however, the vampires back off. Robin and Mark make a run for it while the two buddies cover their retreat. This leads to a zany chase around the mansion, which is built more like a funhouse. 

Take your coffin nails and leave my casket!

The two buddies hit on a couple of the female vampire minions, who promptly get naked and (presumably) take their virginity. Meanwhile, Mark and Robin end up in the room full of coffins where the vampires sleep during the day. 

When the vampires burst in they don't see anyone at first. Mark and Robin are hiding inside one of the coffins in the vampire lair, and let's just say, "If this coffin is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'". Mark has lost his virginity and is no longer of any use to the vampiress. As midnight chimes on All Hallow's Eve, he Countess begins to age rapidly and ends up an elderly lady. Her minions all abandon her, except for loyal Sebastian, who assures her that they will find another virgin somewhere "...like Kansas, or Nebraska." Rating: 3 out of 5 raw meat patties.

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Party Camp

PARTY CAMP  Directed by Gary Graver (1987).

Reviewed By Machine "Gun" Kristin

Have an hour and a half to kill? Then look further because “Party Camp” ain’t it. This tepid, scattered piece of 80s trash is at best a decent 1987 time capsule. There are definitely better movies ("Summer Camp Nightmare", "Sleepaway Camp" etc) in the niche “summer camp-sploitation” genre that make a whole lot more sense than this one. This movie’s plot is barely held together with spit and chewing gum. Screenwriter Paul Brown is probably better known for “Quantum Leap” (oh boy), but “Camp” was his second outing as a writer. Director Gary Graver has mostly porn on his resume (“The Joi Fuck Club”, anyone?) with one horror credit, “Trick Or Treats” (1982).

Starring Andrew Ross as Jerry (who only has three acting credits) trudges along, hopping a school bus to a camp counselor job, seeking his dream girl. There’s Billy Jacoby as I’m guessing “Miami Vice” influenced, D.A., At some point in real life he was married to the syringe-toting Nurse Brenda played by April Wayne who later have some strange S&M scenes. The secretly kinky authority figures (Sarge and Mrs. Beadle) are almost never seen besides the beginning of the film with dispersed scenes of Sarge grabbing a kid's ear 3 (!) times. The ages among the campers seem to be from Elementary to College, is that normal? The closest thing to camp I’ve been to was a Girl Scout trip ages ago. Then we have the interesting Jewel Shepard as perpetually horny Dyanne whose character seemed to have some kind of manic disorder, just acting off the wall from the jump. I thought she’d start foaming at the mouth when Jerry chews on her pearls when he first meets her on the bus, while her brawn-no-brains boyfriend, Tad chases the bus. 

There are not enough jokes that land to make it a true comedy and not enough nudity to qualify for a late-night T&A type of flick. It appears to have been reedited which is confirmed in Mike McPadden’s “Teen Movie Hell”. At least three times, a character will ask “Are they real?” when talking about a girl's chest. Super weird, I thought for sure the breast implant accusations happened in the late 90s/early 2000s on dating shows such as “Elimidate”. haha. 

We end the “Party” with mentioned once mountain bike competition between the cool guys (Tad and The Falcons) and the dorks (Jerry and the Squirrels). Yay, the movie’s finally over. 

“Party Camp” aired on USA Up All Night on: S4.E19: Mar 6, 1992 with “Naked Warriors” 

 S4.E85: Oct 24, 1992 with “Vampires on Bikini Beach” S4.E88: Nov 6, 1992 with "Spring Fever USA” Link

May 28, 1993 with “Young Nurses in Love” Link

Nov 27, 1993 with "Party Incorporated” and probably many more. You can watch “Party Camp” here

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Dialing for Dingbats

 -Reviewed by Skunkape-

Dialing for Dingbats (1989) is a Troma comedy written and directed by Peter Slodczyk. This is Mr. Slodczyk's only film and I for one am glad! When we first see the iconic Troma logo it's missing it's equally iconic fanfare, instead we hear the phone ringing which takes us right into the film.

"Hello, Is it me you're looking for?"

                                            

 Our hero Randy (Michael Jefferies) is calling some of his lady friends and getting nowhere fast. He's definitely not a smooth operator! Randy must have some kind of sex appeal, while he's out grocery shopping a young lady tries to flirt with him as he looks through a pile of oranges. It's not long before he knocks the pile over blubbering and stuttering his way through an awkward conversation. Randy works at a fashion store as a tailor. There he stumbles into the dressing room of young lady who seems happy about it but then he's tackled by a large lady who has been trying to molest him since his day started. It seems like his life isn't really all that bad but after sulking and watching some depressing unfunny commercial parodies he wants to commit suicide because he just can't seem to connect with women. 

"A Plus Size doesn't give me a Rise"

                                            

   "Can a tailor get some tail?"

                                                 

Out of nowhere a strange man shows up to convince Randy he has the perfect solution! Don't look for logic, it's as if this guy is some guardian angel looking to fix Randy's life, after he does a "Twilight Zone" Rod Serling impression this stranger introduces Randy to the "Party Line"! A place where multiple people can chat and seek out that perfect soul mate. Randy needs tons of convicting to give this service a try because he's too depressed and scared. The movie starts to feel like it's turned into an infomercial for party lines as Ernie, (John Caponera) shows Randy just how easy it is and explains all the benefits of the service. John Caponera is one of the few actors from this film who went on to get work after this movie.

"Guy is a Noose-sance"

                                                            

 "Just call 976-DUCK"

                                                       

Now we get to meet all the eccentric characters who use the party line. They all add their location after their first named, like Randy from Redondo. There is also a Dennis from Venice and a Sally from the Valley.😩 None of these new callers bring anything to the table as the movie gets even more uninteresting. There is this one nerd who gives Eddie Deezen a run for his money! You expect a party line to be full of perverts and horn dogs especially for a Troma movie but everyone is nice and respectful. I'm sure this movie was pretty rare on VHS and the few that did see it was because they watched USA Up all Night, but I don't think there was much to cut out of this "sex" comedy for regular TV.  This movie is very gentle and none of that signature Troma sex and gore is anywhere to be found. We do see clips of the Toxic Avenger reedited as a commercial for the party line while Randy watches TV. Not smart to show a better movie in your shitty movie. Only one specific caller is a jerk and tries to trick the ladies into thinking he's some rich tycoon living in Bel-Air. 

The movie's climax takes place at a pizza parlor, the party line invites all its callers to get together and meet. All 10 or so! HA! Will Randy who has been trying to meet this girl Robin finally see her in the flesh? Randy goes from table to table asking people if they know Robin, he comes across Batman and there of course is Robin the Boy Wonder, that did make me slightly smile but overall this is one movie I would definitely hang up on!

"Yo Boo Boo, where's Rat Fink?"

Wait, in the credits it says "Thanks to Al Yankovic" That's because the producer and co-writer Michael Solton is an old High school friend of Weird Al. Al got his bass player Steve Jay to score the film and write the song "partyline". This could of been a real highlight but Steve Jay dropped the ball because the song fuckin sucks! I'm glad that I crossed this off my Troma film check list but that's the only thing about watching this film made me happy. It would of sucked to stay up all night for this dud, oh, hold on second, this was hosted by Rhonda so staying up might of not been so bad. XOXOXO Rhonda Shear!

  Help Me Rhonda, Help Help Me Rhonda!

                                         

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK- Mugsy's Girls/ Delta Pi

 

Mugsy’s girls/Delta Pi (1984). I’ve dreaded this day only because this movie kept gnawing at me incessantly and then I discovered it was on UP ALL NIGHT and I knew I had to watch it. It’s not too painful and was way more fun than I’d imagined. 

Why was I so reluctant? Just like Dr. Channard said “to think I hesitated”. It’s got a veritable Hollywood Squares cast of Ruth Gordon, Eddie Deezen and Laura Brannigan. Ooh let’s play Marry- Fuck-Kill! 

It begins w a horrid animated credit sequence that’s drenched in neon. Teacup the bunny (an actual rabbit) is one character I’m looking forward to seeing him munch on a carrot or a sorority girl’s ankle. The gals of the house (which is a pigsty in the Frat tradition of Animal House/ King Frat (1978,1979). The girls of Delta Pi devise a plan to raise money by mud wrestling. I mean that’s the basic plot, business venture, Ruth Gordon—GO! They hit the streets with some flyers, you know “pre-interwebz” technology. Sure--movie that’s a dopey premise! 

Wedgies wedgies wedgies

Ruth as Mugsy shows up and seems riddled with senility. I have to say Laura Brannigan is kind of impressing me, not a bad actress as the MC. She never sings however. 

The girl’s backyard kiddie pool wrasslin set up manages to draw a sizable crowd! Deezen and this tanned douche named Shawn (James Wilder) get wind of it as well. Gordon as Mugsy does her usual beloved RG routine but seems more crazed. She passed away only a year after this came out. The wrestling is shocking and also arousing to anyone in this neighborhood, which means it’s a motherfucking hit idea! Who knew?

Deez and Douche coming to CBS this fall

Mugsy’ stunt double hops in the overcrowded pool full of suds. I mean they said mud but apparently, they included foam! Speaking of bubbles, the ladies sell beer in plastic cups for 50c. I mean this movie is capitalism personified! 

There’s the obligatory Animal House window moment with a well-endowed nerd girl. She stuffs her bra and later we find they’re inflatable and not so fantastic. 

Poor teacup eats a joint and takes a gentle ride on a turntable. Her Mommy Magic played by Joanna Dierck is an irresponsible stoner parent. She wears a top hat, does coke and smokes a roach at the same time. 

shittiest parent award

At the shindig there’s some light sexual assault with a punk dude and piss drinking, which just comes out of nowhere! Chalk is up to “punksploitation”! It was kind of worth it because the party was a success. Shawn and Lenny show up to convince the girls to wrestle for more money and they all split it. Hey wait, is this the Netflix G.L.O.W.’s real story? Eddie wears one of those Foreign legion camo hats with the drape. The music in this film is all wrong! It’s either gentle funk or honking sax. 

exhibit A: Bunny smokes joint

They bust out some pot brownies on the road and Eddie eats one while driving. The blonde actress Kristi Somers who was also in Savage Streets (1984) moons some girls and looks pretty attractive. She actually kind of resembles Bambi Woods the lead actress in Debbie Does Dallas (1978). The frat girls finally make it to Vegas but have to face the mafia. Shawn, Eddie Deezen’s buddy is the Delta Pi girl’s worst friend who fucks up their game. Did they really think they wouldn’t have to eventually wrestle more threatening opponents? 

Neon Lights a Flashin' and One arm bandits crashin'

There is some nice vintage authentic Vegas footage. Then we get the obvious workout montage complete w Mugsy cheering them on with a baby megaphone. She shrieks like a banshee over the 80s cheese workout music. Shawn keeps trying to make deals and the cowboy mafia man wants to stuff Teacup for pooping on his desk! Teacup the bunny remains thee best character nary a word of dialogue. Deezen and Karen (the cute nerd girl) fuck and Eddie thinks her dildo is a rocket! 

We want Schlitz, Sharky Vandervort's fave beer

One of the best scenes has the girls joyriding with a poker player as they torture him and drive to kill his car. Their opposing team are called the Nevada Nasties. This time it’s real mud and real wrassling, no bullshit! Matilda the raw meat-eating hottie from G.L.O.W. and other media shows up and others like Fang (who may be a real wrestler not sure). 

oh shit, don't let them out!

Magic looks pretty sexy and uses her tophat as a way to win. They manage to get a high score but the competition is the only reason to stick around for the ending. Ruth G’s stunt double fights Matilda and then the mafia shows up. No spoilers here. If you’re looking for a dumb comedy with a little bit of everything then check it out. 3 out of 5 stoner rabbit turds.

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK- She Wolves of the Wasteland/ Phoenix The Warrior

 

She wolves of the Wasteland - 1988 Directed by Robert Hayes

Reviewed by Mark J.

The movie starts with these Cool Mad Max dune buggies cruising around Death Valley, or is it Chatsworth? Welcome to a world destroyed by men, and ruled by women with automatic weapons and Dark Powers! Is this Thundarr the Barbarian? No, not even close. 

 The Wastelands are ruled by the Reverend Mother who is hell bent on purifying the gene pool. She looks like the Bride of Palpatine, and you can tell how evil she is by how much plastic tubing she wears. Cobalt, her number one, is a ruthless witch who serves her. She has these tubes all over her witchy ensemble. 

Persis Khambatta as Cobalt is also the bald chick from Star Trek!

 Her pussy posse captures a random gal after a short chase, and brings the victim to her mistress to feed upon. The screams can be heard across the wastes, and down in the plumbing. Of course her thirst is never satisfied. 

“My genetic program ruined by your stupidity.”

 Next we meet the Girl Gang engaged in lots of posing, most of them look like punk/rocker chicks, but one is dressed in a square looking business suit and tie with her hair pulled back like One of the Guys. A poor innocent woman is being savaged by two badass babes, and her friend has a gun pointed at her. 

Hairnet is bountiful in The Wastelands

 Enter our hero Phoenix the Sand Trapper, who eats an apple and kills the bad girls and Keela, the blonde victim, runs around the rocks. It turns out she's pregnant with a boy! More baddies are after them so they run and hide somewhere past an old car door in the desert. 

Kathleen Kinmount, who plays Phoenix, was in Playboy and Halloween 4

 Meanwhile the buggy babes are tracking them, but they stop for a few minutes to have a catfight before picking up the trail. That first kick didn’t even connect! Is this a fight or some form of post apocalyptic interpretive dance? 

Thankfully our heroes happen upon a waterfall, in the desert even, cuz that’s a thing. Now they get to check out the extended soft waterfall porn scene! Pretty sure every woman is gay in this world. Now watch the sexy dancing and gyrating, and a woman moaning as she gives birth. Making babies is always sexy, even the last part when the baby comes out. 

that baby shat out of her perineum like nobodies biz

Whew, now we have a baby but oh no, the bad guys kill everyone but our two heroes. 

 Next we meet Skylar, their version of the Feral Kid. Apparently this kid is going to have special powers. Have 5 years gone by?! They wander a bit til they find a shack where the kid finds a porno mag, but mom takes it away from him. That’s how I feel about this movie. It promises to be sexy, but then it ends up just being this weird idea of what a prepubescent teen might THINK is sexy. 

we're totally sexy

 It turns out the shack is owned by the last man on earth, who tries to fight them but ends up unconscious so they try to rape him, but he can't get a boner so they give up. The dudes chill though, so he helps them escape through a pipe. Now Phoenix is captured but the others escape thanks to an exploding music box. Phoenix is sent to the fighting pits where she does some cool sword battles. Much fantasy! She kills two punker chicks, one who is pretty much just wearing electrical tape. Then she fights Neon, who attacks her shield repeatedly to break it. Then her friend comes and shoots a bunch of people, then Phoenix gets some help and hops the fence, then shoots the gun, but not as well. 

blurry loincloth-fu

 Now they have a car, so they can cruise around with no real destination, until they run out of gas and wander through the creepy Razul burial ground. 

 Then mutants attack! Our dude kills a TV, and a few of the mutants!

just imagine the mutants OK?

But they end up capturing them, and the males are taken away to be harvested or something. The mutants try to cancel our two nubile heroes with the TV Guide, but Neon saves them! 

reading is fun even for the mutated.

 Cut to the final battle that starts with many explosions to draw out the bloody butch gal who scares everyone with all the bloody streaks down her face, but she just falls and dies before she can do anything. 

I mean it was all worth it right?

 Cobalt hunts them through the tunnels with a gun until Phoenix swings in on a chain, uselessly getting cornered against a pipe where she is about to be stabbed but no! She pulls the classic pull the pin on the grenade trick FTW! Now that evil mother is the last one left. She almost defeats our heroes with her mystic mind powers, but Keela cuts her weird cyborg umbilical cord, and kills the malevolent matriarch. 

Queue Phoenix riding off on a horse by herself, ready for the next adventure.