SplatterFarm

Splatter Farm Directed by The Polonia Bros, (1987).

There are some shitty-os (shitty movies shot on video) that have come down the pike that defy rationality and description, but Splatter Farm is a special case. We’ve seen many unquestionable turds float to the top of the bowl like 555, Killing Spree or even Burning Moon, but this one is horrendous and puts them all to shame. When Skunkape is too busy, which he understandably has been lately, I must call on my other best pal Sharky, who is the lunatic that sent me this flick. We also watched it together over the phone and be forewarned, this one requires being smashed, fried and totally baked to endure the tortures of the damned. So, act accordingly when viewing this highly toxic event.

this is totally fine but weed is still illegal in the South.

SF apparently has an audience because it was re-released on DVD with quotes from Joe Bob Briggs and Frank Henenelotter praising its merit. But I'm pretty sure there are horror fans out there that will buy fucking anything because one of my most hated movies Lucker The Necrophagus has a special edition DVD! Skunkape is that movies only fan.

Can I have your autograph Mr. Odenkirk?

Splat begins with a pervy hayseed named Jeremy, who bashes the bejeezus out of a raw meat filled dummy. Next, the Polonia Brothers, who look like typical 80’s AV Club dweebs drive around for a little while. I imagine they took the video tape of this very movie on their way to the high school auditorium to show it as their summer school thesis. You might think The Black Devil Doll is the most atrociously, inept shot on video opus, but I’m almost embarrassed to say, this one was definitely edited using 2 VCRS! The music is slightly better than the casio tone for the hopelessly deranged aka the keytard stylinz of Chester Turner. I guess you could call Splatter Farm, the White Devil Doll!

Woah! Wrong tape again!

There’s tracking issues, a giant PLAY that flashes over the edits and I was kind of disturbed at what these kids were up to. I wonder what film makers possessed these knuckleheads to enact such fictional depravity and involve their Grandma/ Aunt to join in on the sexual deviance. I'm guessing it was Pasolini and Fulci. I kept wondering if it was going to hit, amateur porn levels of sickness and it sort of does. There’s fisting, coprophagia, pee drinking, a dude shits out a knife and wiggles his belly button in extreme close-up. It’s all simulated though, which still isn’t comforting. I don't recommend watching it alone, because you will most likely give up and watch reruns of WKRP in Cincinatti.

Thanks again to Hollywood High's #1 fan for sending me this. 

What we got here is a failure to communicate, the famous line from Splatter Farm.