USA UP ALL NIGHT: Beach Balls

-Reviewed by Skunkape-

Directed by Joe Ritter 1988

                                                                                   Rhonda's Introduction
                                                                                                                               
Another Comedy with boobs!!! But wait, this movie is not funny and boobs are almost nowhere to be found. Even though this another perfect movie for the USA-U.A.N. lineup a cut version of this film makes it even worse! Luckily there's Rhonda and all the 976 numbers during the breaks to keep you stimulated.

So why bother, Well, being a hardcore Land of the Lost fanatic and knowing that actor Philip Paley, Chaka himself is the lead role really sold me. I thought it would be cool to see Paley shed his fur for a little fun in the sun and play a horny teen looking for some love.

"Chaka want to get lost in your land!","Chaka horny and corny"

"Chaka, you shaved!, Talk about manscaping."

Charlie Harrison (Paley's character) also wants to be a rock n' roll GOD so we do get treated to some heavy metal tunes. Don't get excited though, there's no awesomeness like some other 80's metal films such as Trick or Treat and Shock em' Dead. The band featured is the D.R. Starr band and they only rock slightly.

"D.R. does not stand for Dumb Roadie!"

Behold THE SOUNDTRACK to Beach Balls

They're about to rock, but I don't salute them.

Charlie's best bud is Scully, he's played by Steven Tash, Tash is the guy that Bill Murray shocks right in the beginning of Ghostbusters. The Budget of Beach Balls is so cheap that Tash was probably paid the same 5 bucks that he walked out on after Murray had given him too many electrical shocks. Paley and Tash could have been awesome pair but nope!

Let's join that Surf Nazi Gang!

What's shocking is how bad Beach Balls is!

Roger Corman's New Horizons production company really really went cheap on this. Everyone's house is gross looking and even the beach looks cruddy. Director Joe Ritter, a competent Steadicam operator should have stayed behind the camera because this movie is trying so hard to be crude and sweet but failing miserably! His body of work is impressive though.

They Might NOT Be Giants

There is one other actor that may make this worth a viewing. Gary Schneider who plays a thug named Mollusk. (The Mollusk-my favorite Ween Album).
Schneider was the incomparable character of Bozo in the mother of all cult films, The Toxic Avenger. Bozo was the role he was born to play because he's not given much to say making his character in Beach Balls a waste. Just don't talk about his mom though, he doesn't like that.

Mollusk's breath smells like microwaved seafood!

Bozo is stressed, I mean Mollusk.

Charlie meets Wendy, the girl of his dreams but the problem is that she only dates musicians. She wants Keith, the front man from the band Severed Heads in a Bag! ( D.R. Starr Band ) If that band had seven members and it was a duffel bag maybe Joe Pesci would be in the movie! - cricket chirp-
Wendy gets her chance with Keith, then feels like he only wants her for sex, which he does and Charlie swoops in. We also meet Charlie's parents who are religious fanatics, they oppress his love for the guitar by associating it with Satan. His sister is dating a jockish lifeguard and he is quite the bully. Why? Well he's also the brother of the girl Charlie has the hots for and later we find out that he's in the closet, so expect lots of gay jokes, 80's style.

Miller from Repo Man was right about John Wayne!

All of these factors culminate in the finally at Charlie's house during a wild party. A party his parents told him not to have while they're out of town. Even some people from the record business are there! So can Charlie get the girl and a record contract in the same night? Find out in Beach Balls!!!

They might have a chance to get signed by Alternative Tentacle Records.

4/10 Bananas

This episode aired August 30th 1991
The movie that followed was Combat Academy
Maybe it's worth a watch for a few chuckles and that 80's nostalgia that the kids these days just love.
Should've have more T & A, so expect your beach balls to be blue after watching this.

More Clips and Highlights from Rhonda during Beach Balls