House of the Living Dead

House of the Living Dead, Starring Mark Burns Directed By Ray Austin (1974).

The triple bill ghoul also appeared on the cover of Liquid Cheese #28.

This film is like an endurance test of excruciating patience, it kept making me scream at myself, "JUST TURN IT OFF AND GO TAKE A NAP" or get those chores done that've been bugging you. The worst part is, I already completed them and had no choice but to suffer through this dreck, poor me, right? Shudder offers the Vinegar Syndrome version on a double feature with another turd I'm afraid to watch, CRYPT OF THE LIVING DEAD. They got it all wrong though, it's the ORGY OF THE LIVING DEAD triple bill trailer that's supposed to drive you mad, where one is guaranteed free internment to the state mental hospital for the rest of their life according to the Mad Ron trailer. They should've recreated the triple feature of REVENGE (or MURDER CLINIC (1966) /CURSE (AKA Mario Bava's KILL BABY KILL) and FANGS (or Malenka by Amando De Ossorio), not HOUSE AND CRYPT. Get some insurance for this film however, just in case you zonk out from boredom and crack your head on the coffee table--it's that insufferable!

COME ON FEEEL THE NOIZZZZEE, GIRLS ROCK YOUR BOYS!

Shudder has House and Alien Zone, which is also aka House of the Living Dead. How do you decide between two shitty films, it's as if someone handed you a maggot eaten apple fritter and another stuffed with razor blades. Which one must you choose Gozer the Gozerian? Be forewarned, if you are an animal rights person or like me and don't want to see a poor drugged ape. This film is all shades of harsh red and diarrhea brown with South African accents. The baboon that the mad scientist captures and experiments on is the real deal, I hope when the sedatives wear or off, it ate his face off. Why Chas had this available to watch is confusing, it has zero redeeming qualities. The film punishes you with inept lighting as well. Mark Burns, the lead actor looks kind of like Terrence Stamp or Willy Wonka.

stop with the fucking Willy Wonka Memes already!

I hate this movie but I'm going to power through because it's literally the fifth time I've tried to sit through it. There is a witch and a gypsy subplot that was pretty weak, but then again, I think I've hated every film about a gypsy I've ever seen, THINNER is one bad example that comes to mind. 

The background score sounds kind of like Twilight Zone stock music. It's cinematic Klonopin, I could drink 50 cups of coffee and I'd still be lethargic. There's an old lady who reminds me of Great Expectations but I only know this reference from the South Park. The Terrence Stamp clone wears jockey pants and it's really gross and unnecessary. Sometimes the film greasiness reminds me of an S.F. Brownrigg production, only this is less interesting. I will put it in that section of terrible movies just lying around that would be worth making a few quick beer money dollars off of for the Balun fund. It seems very Victorian, what the fuck am I watching?

Aunt Jemima brings the Quaker Oats man his lunch

At 22 minutes this movie feels like it's five hours. I wish I could say, the ending was worth all the trauma, but it's only mildly interesting. The Doctor has trapped souls in glass jars (similar to the one in that Tales from the Darkside episode) and once they escape, a freaky deaky sound rings out and starts attacking people. The funniest part was a picture of a horse (who's soul, I guess, has now escaped), runs rampant and they zoom in Laugh-In style. My advice is to just fast forward to the ending and try to figure out what exactly they're trying to accomplish.

No Sir, I don't like it.

There's actually a couple of other Houses of the Dead films. The most famous version is the videogame based movie dud and one called Alien Zone that is also on Shudder. I should mention that I gave this job to Richard Glenn Schmidt of Doomed Moviethon and Giallo Meltdown fame and he couldn't stick it out. Some say he's at the mental hospital with the poor sap from the Orgy bill.

CINEMATIC BARF!