USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: HOT MOVES

Hot Moves, Starring a bunch of horndogs, Directed By Jim Sotos (1985).

Straight from the VHS collection of Paul "Sharkey" Vandervort and stressfully presented in squiggly Dr. Katz style on a low grade VHS quality DVD comes Hot Moves, one of the best horny teen movies of the 80s! The title track by German jock metal goofs Raven is screeched into your ear holes as a high energy montage hits you up side the face that includes dogs wearing sunglasses, bikini babes washing off pesky sea lice and punks making stupid faces at the camera. Man, all kinds of crazy ass shit is going on at Venice beach, break dancing, mimes and for some reason a black guy in a tuxedo tap dancing.

gimme a tip so I can smooth out these fuzzy pixels

A super hot babe who drops an ice cream cone on the crotch of one of the dweebs is just more level of aggravation for a bunch of 30 year virgins. They all make a pact to get laid before their senior year and are so pathetic that stereotypical nerds and even little kids are losing their virginity before them. It seems like the only way these dudes will get laid is if they bone each other! Jill Schoelen from The Stepfather looks nubile and sexy but in a goodie goodie way.

keep it in your pants buster brown!

Barry (Michael Zorek) the Jew-froed fat dude almost scores with a freaky waitress who has a terrifying bear doll with human teeth, that part was very scary! There's some shitty beach band with popped collars who play some schmaltzy dull numbers. Then the crew stumbles onto a nude beach where it's all boobs and bush, no saggy balls or elderly people like you'd normally see on an authentic naked beach. Fat Barry is one shifty dude who does Mississippi Gary style blues singer black face so he can rip people off. That part was a head scratcher and straight up racist.

Teddy Fuxspin the sex offender bear.

The boys go to a red light district sex shop that seems to have zero patrons. Virgil Frye, Punky Brewster's real life dad is the porno dealer who tries to peddle them "penis butter jock straps" but they all get scared and bail. Frye has had a pretty interesting career in cult movies like Revenge of the Ninja, Nightmare in Wax and Dr. Heckyll Mr. Hype, one of the most atrocious movies starring Oliver Reed in monster makeup. 

Reed must've been beyond sloshed to star in that hackey tripe!

They go to every channel in order to get some, except actually attempting to talk to girls at their school. This film is an extreme document about the shitty and frustrating place the world was before internet porn! For some reason they always meet up at the bowling alley and there's a scene where Barry the fat tard chugs a bottle of ketchup and mentions how he hates pepperoni which is just a head scratcher. This place looks pretty fun actually, there's even a mustachioed midget who dresses like an old timey carnival barker.

None of these dudes are likable or really make much of an impression and it finally just ends. Is it any good, it's incredible and totally stupid just like everything on UP ALL NIGHT.

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flip it back and forth like old school cable so it gets clearer.