Return of the Evil Dead

Return of the Evil Dead (Attack of the Blind Dead, Mark of the Devil 5) Directed By Amando de Ossorio, starring The Blind Dead (1973).

After suffering through Night of the Seagulls and Horror of the Zombies, I never wanted to see another chapter of the crab god worshiping, flesh eating Spaniard klansmen ever again. But then I just got a Shudder trial (thanks Kristin) and figured I'd turn on a background movie and do some more important shit while it was on. I was flabbergasted and compelled to stop everything and watch!

We see the Templars with beards and this time covered in human flesh, pissing off villagers who shove torches into their eye sockets--so that's how they went blind! As far as sloppy and brief storylines go, I'll take this over speculation on how they got this way. The effects were so appallingly bad that I was locked in its shitty Eurotrash tractor beam. Bad dubbing, wacky dialogue and hideous actors--of course it was irresistible!

this Medieval Lasik eye surgery is top notch!

There's a creepy village idiot with Bell's Palsy who seems like the Knights of Templar's version of Renfield. He's eagerly awaiting their return and does their bidding. The Blind Dead have no loyalty of course, just like those cartoon Christian Chick tracts that show Satan cackling as his followers cry and burst into flames.

Whatever babe, unibrows are making a come back!

Oh man, my favorite part, which is a stroke of genius is when a blonde who just narrowly escapes a zombie attack hops onto one of their dead horses and splits the scene! I heard David Mamet ghost wrote the script, I guess that's why it's so clever this time around.

I'm actually kind of shocked that this unassuming sequel is just as good as the first (which I dug like a makeshift Jimmy cross--get it dig)? What am I the Cryptkeeper now?

features I Want My Baby Back by Jimmy Cross.

The crusty knights must've had a busy schedule or something because they seem to usually be shot in "day for night" style and at one point the sun just rises up out of nowhere, Ed Wood would think "don't worry, no one cares, it's fine" and bitch about the 711 ruining the neighborhood (read "Nightmare In Ecstasy" to appreciate that reference).

Hey Leggo my Chili Cheese Taquito! 

Vivian, who is one of the strongest female characters I've ever seen in a trashy Euro flick looks kind of like Franca Stoppi or Isela Vega, the girlfriend in Bring Me The Head of Alfredo Garcia. The scene where the blind horsemen crash the party is almost as good if not better than Nightmare 2!

Their horses keep changing from white to brown, I think the continuity advisor was tanked, but who cares this entire movie is a barrel of laughs! To be fair, they had an inch thick of VHS cobwebs to obscure the fuckups that nobody noticed at the time. I doubt Amando de Ossario thought anyone would bother turning this into an HD quality transfer. There's still lots of ambiguous mystery surrounding their origin and folklore but you may find yourself not caring as much especially since the entertainment barometer is off the scale!

A FUN SEQUEL, BETTER THAN A HOT POKER IN THE EYESOCKET!

mummified beach blast!