Kris Gilpin IMHO Dept: 2 Larry Buchanan flicks

Crank here, I may have already covered Mistress of the Apes, but my pal the legendary Deep Red, Draculina, Subhuman scribe Kris Gilpin has actually hung out with Larry Buchanan himself and got the dirt on what went down in banana town, if you get my drift! If you don't know what I'm referencing, that's OK me neither. Anyway read on.

2 B-boobs from Buchanan!": By Kris Gilpin 

 Mistress Of The Apes bubblegum cards

Jenny (Hell Night, Stage Fright) Neumann stars in our beloved schlockmeister Larry Buchanan's Mistress of the Apes (1979), which he wrote & directed & is available on an appropriately named CheesyFlicks.Com DVD.

She leads an African expedition in search of her hubby, and one of the bad guys is Stuart (Batman Returns & 5 other Buchanans) Lancaster, who gets kicked in the balls by the stunning Barbara (The Student Nurses) Leigh.

Early, ape-suit & ape-man make ups are by Rob Bottin & Greg Cannom (!), and they are cheap (natch) but effective. The D.P. is Nicholas Josef (Dolemite & 2 more Buchanans) von Sternberg, son of famed director Josef von Sternberg (!).

This is really more of a "tit flick," for which the sexy Jenny & Barbara gladly give them up, than an adventure flick & just to make it B-sier, L.B. put cringe-worthy, shit songs in here which go, "Ooo ooo, eee eee! She's an ape lady, she's the Mistress of the Apes!" & "Ape mother, ape lover, she's a Mistress of the Apes!" check out the vid here. 

It's all quite cheesy indeed & anyone in interested in the R-rated L.B. epics should check this one out...

2) Beyond The Doors (Down on Us). 

10 years later, Buchanan wrote/directed a crazy music-conspiracy epic called Beyond the Doors (alternative, better title: Down on Us), about how Tricky Dick & the Feds conspired to kill & cover up said murders of Hendrix, Joplin & Jim Morrison. This thing is so amusing & stunningly boring both at the same time, it makes for a funny party flick.

Gregory (his only film) Allen Chatman is OK as Jimi, he has his speaking & voice mannerisms down alright. Riba Meryl (she had also played Joplin 2 years earlier in the TV show, Throb!) also seems OK as Janis (I wouldn't really know tho, as I could never get into her vocals & I loved The Doors musically, but Morrison frankly never did anything for me as a singer/poet) & Bryan Wolf mumbles and stumbles around as a constantly moronic, stoned-out Jim Morrison (ha) & apparently, the actor had this credit, his only acting part, too, removed from IMDb (ha!).

how did he sing so low with balls in a vice?

Ubiquitous character actor Sandy (Hogan's Heroes, Buchanan's The Loch Ness Horror) Kenyon is the evil Head Fed (to his son: "I told you, no n----r music when I have guests in this house!") & Stuart Lancaster has a cameo as a disgusted cabbie (to Janis: "I ain't got a rug on the floor of my cab, I got linoleum, that's for puke from people like you assholes!"). Almost interestingly, this has Buchanan's only penis shot in a film (I think, the DVD-A copy I have is so blurry it's hard to tell), there are more breasts here & F bombs, and Nick von Sternberg shot this one, too.

what me worry?

Unfortunately, the 2-hour running time (an eternity for a L.B. flick!) is padded out by crappy, unending Hendrix/Joplin/Doors knock-off numbers, when there should mercifully have only been one song each in the film representing each group, I can't imagine sitting thru these Shit Songs with a fast-forward button in a theater! And Buchanan's staging of Woodstock takes place in a darkened room, not on a field during daylight (ha!). And I was stunned to see what looks to be the only slow, dolly shot the director ever used for one of his films (!), during one of the popcorn-run-inducing musical numbers.

Ending with the Tricky Dick (followed by George W. Bushit, followed by the Trumprick...) quote, "When the President does it, that means it not illegal!" Down on Us is a goofy/campy snicker fest, if you can just stay awake thru those deadly musical fillers!...