Tanya's Island

Tanya's Island (Beast of Love, The Pristine Island). Directed By Alfred Sole, starring D.D. Winters aka Vanity (1980).

For some reason this very scandalous film never shows up online, but since it's here, I figured I'd capture the elusive bastard before it disappears into the void. I never cared to order it back in the bootleg days, because I already had a copy of that Vanity Playboy. Tanya doesn't have much going for it, unless you really like Prince protege Vanity or apes. It's kind of a downer that both of them are current drug casualties, 6 feet below taking dirt naps.

In my review for Mistress of the Apes, another monkey love tale, I said Rob Bottin and Rick Baker returned a year later for this outing. In that decade they were the go-to chimp experts until Joe Dante had them sluicing around in werewolf spittle. You may think "this one can't be worse than a Larry Buchanan movie" I'm not sure myself, but I'm going to dive head first into this pit of Cro-Magnon feces and banana peels and see what happens--join me won't you?

Vanity bares it all, maybe a little too much--I mean the credits float by over her hairy vagina ("Vagina", which according to Les Fabian Brathwaite of out.com was Prince's dubbed pseudonym for her before she dropped that misogynistic bullshit and went with her famous nom de plume).

Sorry Charlie only grade A Tuna, I'm the catch of the day

The Deep Red catalog is such a rich tapestry of fascinating titles, as far as I can tell the only reason this "erotic" bestiality tale is included is because of the Alfred "Alice Sweet Alice" Sole connection or the aforementioned Rob Bottin. There were a lot of D'Amato "adults only" titles that pervs would order who couldn't be bothered to throw on their raincoats and masturbate in public at a dingy theater or rent them at their local porn video shack. I was just mentioning to Goat how Joey D is one of the most creative and original porn directors out there, I mean there's gore, a decent storyline the most offensive part is the actual sex (well lets strike that and say the snuff is more vile, since we're not dealing with an ordinary filmmaker).

mustache rides by appointment only

So already here we've got an abusive boyfriend named Lobo played by Richard not Dick Sargent, I was dying when I saw that! They establish all this taboo beast assaulting ladies kind of racist bullshit early on by showing clips of Mighty Joe Young. Also Vanity strutting around half naked in a daze by spear holding savages. 8 minutes in, I'm already scratching my head in confusion (don't worry I'm not transforming into an orangutan).

Oh shit, I need to come down, hand me a bunch of Vs and a cold orange

I gotta say the cinematography by Mark Irwin is pretty sweet, if only it wasn't wasted on a dopey flick like this! This is a Canadian production and Irwin worked for Cronenberg a few times so its not too outlandish.We see Tanya's hershey chocolate areola's and merkin so much you might think she's a poor man's Laura Gemser (just check out the poster above for more clues). I'm just getting a Blue Lagoon vibe as opposed to a jungle misadventure vibe from this flick for some reason. I kind of hope they run into Mark "Warty Balls" Shannon--you know a movie sucks when you wish you turned on a Joey D "Cat Island" flick instead.

I sure hope they have topical ball rash cream on the mainland

So Lobo (Sargent) and Tanya (Vanity) miraculously appear on a tropical island, nope no set up or reason--why would you need one? The boyfriend character is a major dick (or a total Richard)! He's abusive and just plain weird, his idea of a funny joke is stuffing his ears and nose with toilet paper and then popping up out of the sand at the precise moment to piss her off.

The only Corona commercial that causes STDs

She ventures down into a cave where the humongous baboon emerges from and even later on gets all dolled up for him. She looks like one of those babes on a 60's lounge record and calls her new animal pal Blue because of his sparkling peepers. Don McLeod who wore the costume was also the ape who raped Clarence Beeks from Trading Places while Al Franken and Tom Davis encouraged that vicious assault. To be fair, they didn't know it was a human in a gorilla costume.

This isn't working out, you're too clingy

There's an underlying message of white male inadequacy against a powerful sexual beast that makes this more of a fetish film. If this flick wasn't so moronic I would say it's trying to be racist or hateful. Lobo is obviously jealous of the creature because he can't satisfy Tanya and locks him in a bamboo cage. Be warned, this movie might cause you to become stupider and lower your sperm count. 
I feel as if my brain is . . . Yuck I need to lie down. Tune in next time, I have to recuperate now.


DON'T BOTHER! CAUSES BRAIN HEMORAGES