USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK RETURNS: ROCK N ROLL NIGHTMARE

The Edge Of Hell,( Rock and Roll Nightmare, Arch Angel) Directed by John Fasano. Starring Jon Mikl Thor (1987).

Reviewed by Michael Hauss

Did you ever sit and watch a movie and want to pluck your eyes out? This here my friends is one of those eye plucking out movies that is so insanely incompetent that it offends thy eyes. What the fuck, what the fuck, is what I kept muttering beneath my breath as this heavy metal misfire unfolded on the screen. I have to honestly say that I hated everything about this movie.

Here's the story or what we're led to believe the story is about; a rock n roll band and their chicks are heading to a rural farm whose barn has a 24 track recording studio in it. The house at one time was witness to a family being wiped out by creatures made out of play-doh. The band are going to rehearse new material for an upcoming album and to get the band back in rhythm with each other. It seems the drummer with the crummy Australian accent named Stig played the wrong song at their last gig. One by one the band and their girlfriends and manager disappear, with some returning in evil incarnations of themselves.

Fake Aussies love the pissy taste of High Life more than Fosters 

The end has the only survivor Thor telling the ole devil himself " I am Triton, the archangel." Thor is bathed in a bright white light as he emerges with teased hair and fetish looking bikini underwear. He and the devil amble about looking for a rumble and Thor seems like he's auditioning to be a Chippendale dancer. Their clash is epic, with blood being drawn, Play-doh starfish being thrown at Thor,  mascara running, hair being pulled and wedges administered, but Thor puts the smack down on "old Scratch" and after defeating the weakest looking devil ever, vows to see him again and thus keep the world safe.

freshen you coffee with more ejacu-spittle?

The monsters in this film are either mask wearing cast members, puppets or clay looking beings, including one who looks like a penis with an eye, who does the nasty into the drink of the group's manager Phil turning him evil. Since the whole film is revealed to be fake in the end, then really this whole thing did not fucking happen and I could have watched the last ten minutes of Thor' s chippendale audition and not wasted seventy-three minutes of my life. You see the archangel Chippendale Dancer Thor only made the first part of the film up, all his supposed band mates and their girlfriends were made up, only shadows to draw the devil out so he could whip his fucking ass.

GAH, I stepped on a slippery muppet

Let's talk about the good things this film has to offer..... Ok, now let's talk about the bad things, they tried to borrow bits from EVIL DEAD with the POV of a spirit or demon moving about at ground level and also tried to instill some humor into the proceedings, but the humor was Play-Doh creatures being thrown, smoking cigarettes or cumming in people's drinks and this film ain't no Evil Dead that's for sure... The director would let scenes run on forever with scenes of the sky, the house and inanimate objects going on and on, and if the scenes were edited by a competent being then this film would have ran about 40 minutes. Since this was a Rock n Roll band and their ladies, there was a lot of shagging going on, including Thor all naked in the longest most gut wrenching shower scene ever.

The women were for the most part unattractive and not a bit of eroticism was on display in the numerous fuck fests. The drummer with the horrid Australian accent was attacked by a creature and his face squeezed really hard, he lost that shitty accent half way through the film after becoming possessed and not one person noticed, not even his girl Lou-Ann. The sound recording and soundtrack are bombastic and the music used is constantly grating on the viewers nerves .

I got my punker dweeb starter pack at the Canadian Hot Topic

The script is awful and was written by Thor and since the majority of the film was unreal, it doesn't matter what the shadowy non-entities were saying anyway. Before killing off the band, we get some heavy metal numbers by the band that has plenty of hair flipping and posing.

I just busted out of the Henson workshop unfinished

So, really listen to me.... Don't fuck around with the archangel Thor because he'll make you watch this fucking stupid movie and then tell you it was only a deception and the last ten minute chippendale dance was the only part of the movie real, that's some fucked up reality there. I read someplace that Thor had a nervous breakdown the year this was released, it was probably after seeing his acting and singing career destroyed by this turd.

you need to work on your traps bro that grip is wimpy

Few more notes of interest, Rusty Hamilton(?) made a special appearance in the film as the Seductress, she's Thor's wife in real life. The little boy at the beginning of the film makes an appearance later during the film and transforms into a miniature vision of the fine actor Neville Brand and attacks two band members off screen. Lots of clay or maybe a rundown version of the Incredible Edibles was used to make the creatures, including the aforementioned phallic looking one and others.

all your rinky dink special effect needs covered

The director John Fasano surprisingly found more work after this including directing another inept heavy metal movie BLACK ROSES (1988, USA, Canada). Jon Mikl Thor is a former professional body builder and heavy metal artist, whose albums have sold in the thousands, Thor as he's commonly known appeared in the the classic horror film ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE, for which he received the Canadian version of the Oscar for his performance of Tony, at least that's what I've been told. The film's budget was reportedly $53, 000 and was filmed in a reported seven days.

Here are a couple of Thor songs that Erok is fond of even though everything about this guy is tongue in cheek and over the top retarded. Ragna-Rock  and a duet with A.C.'s lead knuckle dragger Seth Putnam (R.I.P.) 

AVOID AT ALL COSTS, POSSIBLY THE LAMEST METAL MOVIE OF ALL TIME.