Beware! The Blob (1972)

Beware! The Blob (1972, aka “Son of Blob”)

Reviewed by Goat Scrote

     “The Blob” (1958), the original flick, is a pretty decent scary movie. It’s campy by modern standards but it’s got a great performance from Steve McQueen and a unique monster. In case you’re not familiar with the basic premise, the Blob is a gelatinous creature which fell to Earth from outer space. It’s a giant pinkish amoeba which engulfs and eats people, growing larger with each meal. The 1988 remake is much scarier than the original and features plenty of gruesome flesh-melting gore. The puffy 80s hair is another bonus. “Son of Blob” doesn’t really measure up to either one — it’s a really shitty movie, in fact — but I still kind of like it.

I'll bite your legs off!

     This extra-trashy sequel to the original film is mostly enjoyable for the Blob attack scenes, which are hilariously awful. The total goofiness of the movie helps make up for a cliched story revolving around a couple of uncharismatic nobodies. The screenplay was written by Jack Woods and Anthony Harris based on an original script titled “A Chip Off the Old Blob” by Richard Clair. It was directed by Larry Hagman, who went on to play J.R. Ewing in the TV soap opera “Dallas”. They made it into an odd blend of tongue-in-cheek comedy and monster movie.

HANG IN THERE KITTY

     I could tell something weird was going on when the movie started with several minutes of adorable kitten footage. The credits are accompanied by bouncy cheerful theme music which would’ve been right at home in an old '80s arcade game. It’s a really bizarre opening for any movie, but it’s utterly insane attaching it to a scary movie sequel. This flick is chock full of “what the fuck were they thinking???” moments.

     As this story begins, a piece of the Blob has been discovered buried in the frozen north by a pipeline worker named Chester. He has brought it to Los Angeles where he’s keeping it next to the TV dinners in the fridge. When his wife accidentally leaves the container out on the counter, this little Blob fragment thaws and comes to life again.

Follow the simple instructions, dammit.

      A housefly is the first to be consumed. The cute kitten from the opening credits is soon victim number two. Chester’s wife follows them into the great beyond. Somehow, no one hears her screams of distress even though she’s in her front yard. Her husband is watching the 1958 “The Blob” on TV when Son of Blob engulfs him.

      Lisa (Gwynne Gilford) stops by and sees Chester being eaten alive in his easy chair. She comes back with her boyfriend Bobby (Robert Walker Jr.) but the Blob has already consumed all the evidence and vacated the premises. They spend a lot of time trying to convince the police that there is a monster eating its way through the populace, but of course it takes the cops a while to catch on.

I have a strawberry jam fetish. Don't judge me.

     One subplot follows a hiking Boy Scout troop led by Dick van Patten. There’s a funny dialogue between a slightly fey hair stylist (Shelley Berman) and a hippie who wants a haircut. The Blob oozes out of the drain of the shampoo sink and gets them both. Meanwhile, a chubby naked Russian man in a fez is taking a bath with his tiny lap dog. The Blob comes in under the bathroom door, and fez-man tosses his dog to the monster while he escapes out a window! He’s picked up by police while running naked through the street.

so that's what those Frankenchrist shriners do in their spare time

     A group of homeless men are among the victims. Burgess Meredith shouts about how much he hates hippies. Larry Hagman is in the scene too as another vagrant. The third hobo is actor Del Close, who later played the role of the crazy reverend in the 1980s Blob remake.

     If you want to know how the whole idiotic mess plays out, you’ll just have to watch it, but beware! It’s bad.

The Blob gives killer back massages.