Death Spa

Death Spa (aka Witch Bitch), Starring Merritt Buttrick, Directed By Michael Fischa (1989).

Out of all the aerobic themed slashers like Slash Dance, Killer Workout and even Fulci's Murder-Rock, this one is pretty fun and viciously gruesome. I wonder what would be the exploitation term for that sub genre, perhaps Exerci-sploitation, Fitnes-sploitation, nah those are no good). Let's blame that vile Olivia Newton John "Let's Get Physical" music video on this trend, it should be guilty of something besides assaulting my eyes and ear holes. So, already they've set the female gratuitous nudity barometer to a new sweaty level in the first few minutes, nice going Gorgon Video! This has since been re-released in pristine format by the same snuff peddlers of the 80's who churned out all the Faces of Death volumes littering the video store shelves back in the day (The site actually offers clamshell versions of their catalog to jump on the hipster bandwagon). click here to go to the site.

I can't bash Gorgon too hard though their tapes were just as entertaining to see as the Thriller VHS or H.G. Lewis ones and it's cool to see they're back doing what they do best, churning out the sleaze.

The synthy score by Peter Kaye is unintentionally funny and blips and gleep glops all over. The naked girl that we collectively objectified in the first few minutes gets in an accident and burns her face with eye melting Chlorine. One cop played by Francis X. McCarthy describes it as dissolving her like an Alka-Selzter, now thats just some clever product placement. They give him most of the best campy lines throughout the film and his partner is Rosalind Cash, who I remember as Charlton Heston's girlfriend in The Omega Man and she was also in "Guyana," The Jim Jones made for TV movie.

Some rad fucking 80's trash cult stars are featured here like Ken Foree (sporting that same mustache in From Beyond), Chelsea Field or Teela from the shit-tastic Dolph Lungren Masters of the Universe, looking pretty sweet in a skimpy bathing suit. Perhaps the best and yet bitter sweet performance is by "Totally Tired" New Waver Johnny Slash of Square Pegs and Captain Kirk's fictional son aka Merritt Butrick. This was his last film before he died of AIDS. And as if this weren't already an over-bloated sauna of cameos, we get Hillary Banks from the Fresh Prince acting like a dirty slut.

I'm plummeting toward a swimming pool of celebrity cameos

Michael Evans, the main dude played by William Bumiller keeps having weird nightmares about the recent suicide of his ex-wife that look like a bad WASP video, taking place in a flaming desert. He's the worst actor in the film if you can believe that and spends a lot of time paling around with Ken Foree (who deserves a better role).

Hey Bro let's recreate that sexy album cover by Hall and Oats

The dialogue is pretty tacky--I mean this in the best way possible, one dude puts down Darla by saying "You're Beta I'm VHS". Down at the Starbody Health Spa, where all the madness is centered, Merritt mans the controls of the Spa's computer system. The health club has that long ass name so that a few bulbs can conveniently blow out and spell the title (ala-Motel Hell). The supercomputer, which ends up crushing the poor BETA dudes' ribs goes haywire (but it's the evil new wave nerd who is more of a culprit then the technology). I get the impression that the Encyclopedia Britannica dweeb from those horrid commercials was up for this role and lost, Merritt's character just gives me that specific creepy nerd vibe.

I'll contact The Devil with my computer and make you all pay

Michael Evens aka Helmet hair picks up his hot blonde girlfriend (who had the blinding accident in the beginning). He remains haunted by flashes of that burning desert and I'm willing to guess his late finance Catherine is responsible for the murders happening at the club, Hey I should be on CSI!

Alright! It's Black Lawless, play my jam Fuck like a Beast! 

During a scene where a redhead is melted with acid and reduced to a giant "Body Melt" style puddle of pulpy mush, she whimpers as if she's still alive, Yeesh! I'm pretty sure some of this gore was cut out of the final version and was saved for the unrated one. Nowadays that usually means unfunny scenes tacked on, but back then it meant extra meat for gorehounds like us. There's some funny outdated 80's computer messaging that keeps taunting the main character. I love that 80's mystery associated with computers as ways to fry people (like in Hello Marylou Prom Night 2) or to contact Satan (Evil Speak). My favorite part is when a frozen fish comes to life for no apparent reason and kills a cop in the walk-in freezer! The murder scenes are pretty creative and the ending is very bizarre, I didn't really understand the possession angle of Catherine and her twin brother (feel free to explain it in the comment section)! Regardless of the oddball finale it was a blast!

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! CAN TOTALLY HANG WITH OTHER LEOTARDED USA UP ALL NIGHT PICKS!

Yowch! These En-Cor Fishsticks meal are too bitey, I better call Al

When there's no more room in the schvitz, your schlong will hit the tile

I was trained by a real new waver, the fat ass sand paper masturbator from Human Centipede 2

  

Black Magic 2

Black Magic 2 (Revenge of the Zombies, Bewitch Tame Head, Gou hun jiang tou), Starring Lo Lieh Directed by Meng Hua Ho (1976).

In October, I mentioned how I planned on reviewing this film, well, I got some Xmas money and bought a copy of this film and here we are again. I've always liked the poster art for Black Magic 2 aka Revenge of the Zombies, which shows a grim reaper hovering over a naked women bathing in a skull cavity (I even made it into a t-shirt on Redbubble, order here).

The film is better than its predecessor in my opinion, it starts off in a completely bat-shit crazy assed way with a giant alligator terrorizing some cute bathers as a witch doctor baits the big green fellow with a hanging live chicken and then proceeds to gut him Chief Brody/ Matt Hooper style and fish out tin cans and boots. I never do this, but I actually turned on the English language track to hear the goofy dubs. I guess I wasn't in the mood to read (and Tokyo Shock had me all intrigued because they went out of their way to sync up to the original audio tracks).

Try KFC's new Gator-turd-chicken double down sandwich

There's a swanky strip club that some dude hauls his friends over to by saying "The food's good". Mr. Lo "Mein" Leih, plays a pervy wizard, this dude is my favorite SB actor, that intense face and menacing twinkle in his eye--I mean he's got some major fucking presence let me tell you, I've enjoyed all of his roles over the years. We introduce his character who's a Satanic sorcerer in the middle of what I can only describe as screw brain old lady transformation surgery (or what Chas referred to in the catalog as pounding 10 inch spikes and really out there man). Huh? Yeah that's right just pop in the DVD and confirm what I've just detailed. Leih is up to some sexual wickedness or run of the mill type SB horror shenanigans. He presents a girl with thorny flowers so he can collect her blood and then throw them together in a ritual that results in him getting into her pants.

NYUK NYUK, I learned this trick offa 3 well respected Jewish brain surgeons

I like how the other characters have a book that describes what a black magician is and that he must feed on breast milk everyday to stave off old age. It's good to have such a resourceful book just in case someone in the audience is dumbfounded by what's unfolding off the screen (which is often the case in these wild manic HK flicks). Man, with one drop of blood LL, who's evil wizard name is Kang Kong. Kong is able to control the girl like a zombie even from miles away and commands her to sleepwalk over to his pad (special delivery style)!

Hey let's re-enact that famous scene from the Third man with zero dollars

Satanism is really all about sexual dominance in these films and he tricks her into taking a pill so he can sip some of that sweet boob milk. He also shaves some of her pubes off and burns them. OK, El Rey network this year (2016 to be exact) it's time to play more full bush, worm feast SB's instead of dull chop socky's featured in the current rotation. I know you're trying to appease the Wu-Tang fans but they don't need your groveling, who am I kidding, I'm lucky at all that the infamous studio is available on Cable at all!

your aborted Meatloaf is ready, just garnish with some parsley

Kang gets to bang poor Margaret his victim without the aid of some of those Cosby roofies. And Oh yeah, I forgot to mention there's some zaniness going on at the hospital where patients are breaking out into skin pustules and worm rashes, possibly a HK version of Dr. Chanard will show up to make matters worse. Margeret stars to devolve into that heroin chic look (sunken eyes, hollow cheek bones) and even has a still born baby that all involved in the delivery call a monster (or freak in the subbed version). Kang acts funny in the way he pets his siamese cat which clings to his shoulder. He mutters some kind of incantation and hypnotizes them with his fashionable ring, it's also bizarre that in his basement he has a bunch of coffins and monks. Black Magic 2 has this great theme song that sounds like a funky version of the Odd Couple, which made me cackle like a loon! There's this weird concept of people turning old at the drop of a hat than reverting back to youth. Kang pimps out his old hag to one character who gets all pissed when he finds out that he was banging an elderly chick--Ha! No refunds! The moral here is don't make deal with an alchemist or fuck with black magic because you may find yourself attached to a voodoo doll that can crush you in the blink of an eye. Also in other magic related SB films, I noticed how it's always a decrepit old freak in a hut by a boiling kettle of entrails, but here Lo's character seems more like a rich playboy and does his devious work in his swanky mansion.

Who you calling a Pussy? 

I've read in other reviews that this film is just a rehashing of the first film only with Lo Leih in the title role as the wizard, that's total bullshit and I'm willing to bet the same schmucks think The Force Awakens was just a remake of the original Star Wars! 

That new BB-8 Droid looks totally cool to me

Every bodies a fucking two bit critic nowadays in a world where rotten tomato percents are considered an opinion! During the half way point hang onto your barf bucket because the worms start wriggling out of exhumed corpse chest cavities. The notion of being a clumsy oaf gets ridiculous as Kang keeps bumping into various people so he can get a blood sample and conduct more rituals. And if you're thinking why is is called Revenge of the Zombies when there aren't any--nope you're wrong because there totally are, just be patient. The ending with hooded zombified monks melting into puddles definitely reminded me of The Devil's Rain. The pacing is pretty frenetic and kind of gets to a comical state of weirdness but since it's a Ho Meng Hua, I wont put anything past that dude--he's out of his mind brilliant and should be more highly regarded beyond the exploitation realm. Mondo Macabro put out Queen of Black Magic (which is an unrelated Indonesian flick that they tried to pass off as a sequel to this film). It also will eventually be covered because it's in the catalog and I'm a sucker for Satanic bullshit from the mysterious East.

BETTER THAN THE FIRST ONE, TWO MAGGOT EATEN THUMBS UP YOUR BUTT!

Bride Of Deep Red

Bride of Deep Red compiled by Chas Balun (no date).

In the 90's (even early 2000's) I used to make trailer comps from tapes that I ordered through snail mail channels or at videostores (R.I.P). It was kind of like making a mixtape for some girl to impress, only with visuals instead of music and a way to showcase your collection of rarities and obscure knowledge. Anything on Mad Ron's Prevues From Hell was fair game, since it's one of the most epic trailer comps of all time, its an undisputed champion and even has some of the wackiest ventriloquism shenanigans to entertain you further than you deserve!

Chas offered many trailer/ whatever best ofs, making of docs and all kinds of goodies crammed onto one video tape from the famed DR archives like Son of Deep Red (which will be reviewed as well). Keep in mind this was at a time when all of this stuff was ultra rare and only available on laserdisc at best. On one cassette comp, the making of Guinea Pig was famously included along with the finished Asian"snuff" flick. The morons at the FBI and Charlie Sheen never bothered to watch it of course to confirm that it was all latex and fake blood, then the worst shit imaginable went down! And as you may be familiar with because it's constantly mentioned on this site, it got Chas into a lot of trouble over nothing.

I may be a sadistic necrophile but at least I wrap that rascal during intercourse with filthy skanks

Skunkape traded Dune melange (or Frank Herbert's 11 secret herbs and spices), promised his first born and even ate Sea Monkeys to obtain this rare tape for my viewing pleasure, this primate really goes above and beyond for all of us, I hope everyone fucking appreciates it! 

Oh, Man is it worth it though, I'd eat a whole bucket of worms (speaking of that shit-tastic T.V. Mikels flick is planned to eventually be reviewed) to get this tape pre-internet. Thankfully we've got the computer and I don't have to. The Bride of Deep Red-- dare I say is on an equal level of fun hilarity of Mad Ron's Prevues (or any trailer comp you care to mention), it's a party cannon of a video treasure that would satisfy even the most discerning elitist gore snob. Another legendary trailer compilation, which I've handed out burnt copies to anyone who I think would appreciate is SWV's "Dusk Till Dawn". So what do we have here, well just cast your nostalgia net back to the days before Steve Job worship and Zuckerberg narcism, man those days were so much better when you could digest information instead of craning your face and mental stability to keep up on the latest millisecond of useless information. Fuck the future!

It starts off generously with a gaggle of Romero and Fulci trailers that sets the way back dial right where it outta be, before mainstream America was craving "Walking Dull" or monotonous, drama along with generic beige zombies who all look identical. Yawn!

Oh shit, some blue sunshine seeped into my JuJuBees and now I'm trippin' balls

Some films you may want to jot down and others look better in 2 min form than they actually were (like John Russo's tepid Midnight), the trailer is pretty rad though! There's a movie I wish I'd never actually sat through (read the review here). 

The best part about this whole shebang is that it was meticulously pieced together for your enjoyment with two tape decks fused together chosen by a guy that new his shit and assembled a rad tape for you to get wasted or toasted to, it's inspiring. I even spotted Seinfeld's Uncle Leo ("Hello"!) in a preview for Nico Mastorakis' Grandma's House, whatever that is. 

I told you Jerry, don't fucking bring up my crime of passion!

The trailer for Funhouse is great because its better than the finished product (well--OK-- I enjoyed it for what is was-- but you gotta admit, the Tobe Hooper flick is pretty fucking incoherent and sloppy). I know I shouldn't trash another popular favorite like the snoozefest CSPWDT, but here I go again, sue me, I was bored!

Brought to you by gingivitis and the British dentist council

Two nasty trailers are connected with no relation what so ever are Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer and Africa Blood and Guts, other than the fact that they're both hideously cruel and unnerving to sit through. The Alien trailer is amazing, if you'd never even saw the film, you wouldn't realize that the preview blatantly gives everything away but it's all spliced in quick succession that you never feel gypped. Lurkers is a terrible movie by Roberta Findlay (big surprise!) but it's kind of enjoyable in all it's stupidity, I actually liked it more than Tenement. There are a few Blaxploitation flicks in the VHS catalog like Black Gestapo and Welcome Home Brother Charles but the super fun "One Down 2 to Go" is suspiciously absent, the trailer is rad though, I have yet to view the entire movie, from what I hear it's very dull. That's the beauty of ordering from Balun, when you got a tape, you'd be exposed to a slew of trailers that made you want to seek them out and branch out beyond the catalog. 

Did a cow shit in here or is that just my upper lip?

Before Shark Vs. Zombie was a viral video that was later used to sell PC's here is the clip in all it's glory on a dingy looking second generation dub along with other choice moments from the epic Fulci eye gouger. Seeing it on the big screen in crystal clarity at the Roxy Theater in San Fran was incredible and I cant complain at all about a shitty looking film getting a much needed face lift. There's an example where the future is a major improvement over the brownish hues and head ache inducing grain from the old version.

And the party continues with the most psychedelic Bava preview ever, Carnage (or Bay of Blood), I always made sure I slipped that one on a videotape I traded with pen pals. 

An hour 11 mins in, we're knee-deep in Asian territory with the insane trailer for Endurance and Death Cage. A pervy anime that shows a demon fuck the shit out of a babe as a dude who tries to rescue her gets sliced up real good. It's all shown unsubbed, so who knows, I'd guess it was Devil Man if I didn't just watch that one.

The most incredible part of this video is the anti-gore propaganda bullshit piece called "VCR Horrors" on 20/20! I remember watching that at 12 or so and obsessively wanting to see Evil Dead 2. I mean they show so many clips of it, I feel as if they owe Sam Raimi a 1000 apologies. They subject parents to a clip of Make Them Die Slowly to try and scare the shit outta them (hopefully they didn't beat their kids soon after). Obviously the stupid parents are responsible for letting them rent these tape without consent. The way they interview these kids is great because the 12 year olds come off as intelligent ravenous gore fans, not unbalanced maniacs who need to be on therapeutic drugs. One girl even claims she gets turned on by gore, Nice!

The Jig is up Bueller I found you in the porn section

It's sort of crazy because I watched this as a kid and no had no idea who Chas Balun was at the time, but obviously he made a huge impact on my life before I even knew who he was. The producers interview him and he says kids today want a body count because they're weened on MTV. This was also the very first time I saw the Cellar Dweller tear someone's head off and lick its chops. Compared to today, this crusade against video ratings seems restrained and no one is calling for a ban on the tapes similar to what happened in England with Mary Whitehouse and her stodgy hypocrites. It's very hard to track down but worth the effort, good luck finding a copy. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

(Note this film may actually be Son of DR but is labeled wrong because in the catalog it's described as including a interview with Dario Argento conducted by Dennis Daniel and deleted scenes from John Woo's The Killer but since this is not a physical tape and only an mp4, I had no way of really knowing which volume it was. It doesn't effect the amount of entertainment herein but it's slightly disingenuous). So if that's the case just assume that this was a review for Son and not Bride, I'll try to get a handle on my OCD and take some more valium--too much coffee again. see ya next time creep-os. 

We all miss you Chas, Rest in Peace.

FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY

FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY
Directed by Eddie Nicart, Starring Weng Weng
Review by Michael Hauss

Reviewing exploitation films can make you jaded. You watch and pick them apart and become so absorbed in the criticism that at times you have dissected them so thoroughly that you lose enjoyment and what was intended by the filmmaker to be a bit of escapism becomes more of a chore because of the plausibility throughout them. But, this insanely fun film is an exception. I could find many flaws within this film to give it a negatively tilted review, but, this film is such a totally fucked up joyous experience that its good points totally outweighs any of its numerous bad points. This film is a blatant ripoff of the James Bond film FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (UK, USA, 1981), that starred Roger Moore. By this time, the Bond franchises film's were so gimmicky and ridiculous, (but remained profitable nonetheless) that I could not force myself to suffer through anymore after viewing MOONRAKER (UK, France, USA, 1979) at the theater upon its initial release.

The reviews for "SPECTRE" are terrible! 

This film's star is the utterly fantastic 2 foot 9 inch charismatic Weng Weng born September 7, 1957 as Ernesto de la Cruz in the Philippines. He became a cultural icon the world over after the release of this film and would go onto to appear in a number of films, until his star burned out and he died alone and in poverty August 29, 1992. If your interested in finding out more on Weng Weng, there is a fantastic documentary called THE SEARCH FOR WENG WENG (Australia, 2014) which is highly recommended.

"Director Andrew Leavold will never find me!!!"

Weng Weng plays Agent OO, a pint sized James Bond, who through the use of weaponry and gadgets fights a bumbling gang of thugs to get to a Mr. Giant, who has kidnapped a world famous scientist named Dr. Koehler and is after his formula for the "N" bomb, which Mr. Giant plans on using to conquer the world. Mr. Giant is the head of a crime syndicate who champions the causes of evil. One of Mr. Giant's many illegal businesses includes running a bakery where he puts dope in the dough for distribution, he also besides selling drugs, runs a prostitution ring, and runs an extortion racket. Weng Weng with the aid of an inside informant in Mr. Giant's syndicate, a plant named Irma, whose information helps him to stays one step ahead of the gang who works for Mr. Giant. Eventually it's discovered that Irma is a turncoat and is sent to see Mr. Giant who plans on feeding her and the scientist to the sharks. Weng Weng becomes doubly determined to free the pair because of his growing affection for Irma, and he systematically takes out the gang one by one, until he has eliminated the ones guarding the map to the location of Mr. Giant's island hideaway. Weng Weng uses a jetpack to transport himself to the well guarded  island to free the pair of captives as the agencies other agents await the designated time to aid our little hero. This is where I will stop with the synopsis, as I don't want to destroy a thing for the potential first time viewer of this film, let's just say the conclusion is chaotic with many kills for Weng Weng and his supporting agents and a rousing finish to this funky little gem.

Weng Weng runs on Coke

Weng Weng Poppins

This film is littered with plenty of continuity issues and the dubbing is hilarious, as we are given bad British accents, old Hollywood gangster speak and just plan jaw dropping dialogue, case in point, when an inquisitive lackey asks the gang's leader Mr. Kaiser about the possibility of meeting or seeing Mr. Giant (who is not shown until the end), Mr. Kaiser replies, " with that curiosity of yours, your libel to wake up one day and find yourself dead." One woman tells Weng Weng that your a "little guy, very petite like a potato." But the best and the most laugh inducing scene for me was when an attractive police reporter is taking pictures of a dead body at a crime scene, one of the people looking on says, " I wonder if she does weddings and bar mitzvahs?" The score is a variation of the Bond theme and is over used to the point of irritation.

Meet Weng's Wang!

Order HERE

Weng goes for some sexual chocolate!

The cast is excellent and while not natural as an actor Weng Weng does an admirable job as Agent 00, who is a little ladies man and a bad ass with his guns and with his lethal martial arts moves, which relies heavily on repeated kicks to the genitalia. The body count In this film is high and while not Gore laden, it does showcase a plethora of gunplay and casualties. So here comes the nitpicking time, the first issue is that it seemed that Weng Weng' s gun seemed to jam a lot, forcing him into repeated martial arts related fights to showcase his expertise, the use of the sliding across the floor gag and shooting someone was overdone and he spent much of the film running as he was never shown operating a motor vehicle. But those are just some small things that cannot detract anything from this schlocky B-movie that gave this old jaded ass reviewer the thrill of finding that exploitation gem I've been searching for the last few months.

"I just saw boobies!"

Is this more degrading than midget bowling or what?

The director of this film Eddie Nicart has fifteen known directing credits which includes this film along with the Weng Weng films AGENT OO (Phillipines, 1981), IMPOSSIBLE KID OF KUNG FU (Phillipines, 1981) and D' WILD WILD WENG (Phillipines, 1982). Weng Weng has twelve credits listed on his IMBD page and those listed are the film's that have been found and documented, more films perhaps lost forever were made but have yet if ever to surface. Weng Weng appeared again as Agent 00 in the films AGENT 00 and THE IMPOSSIBLE KID OF KUNG FU. He was briefly featured in Mark Hartley's Filopinosploitation documentary Machete Maidens Unleashed (-ed). Weng Weng was once the darling of the Filipino cinema and media who was close friends of the first lady Imelda Marcos and a sought after interview and television guest, he went from a popular media figure to living in squalor and forgotten in less than 10 years, a real tragedy in my mind.

Let the spirit of Weng Weng Live on, so buy a damn T-shirt!

STYLE 1 or STYLE 2

Manhattan Baby

Manhattan Baby (Evil Eye, Eye of the Evil Dead, Possessed) Directed By Lucio Fulci, Starring Christopher Connelly (1982).

The career of Lucio Fulci is such treacherous territory, once you've ventured beyond The Beyond, Zombie, Gates of Hell (which I still have trouble calling City of the Living Dead), it all gets super wonky! I remember thinking "Hey I kind of liked this movie" the first time I watched it, it wasn't so bad, but oh how wrong I was! Sometimes sitting through a Fulci flick is like going into a maggot and broken glass infested funhouse or an insufferable dinner at Waffle House and making it back without severe stomach trauma. That's the deal with this director, most of his later work is trash, but it's very enjoyable for those that can tolerate it. I also had the lowest expectations possible viewing MB so that helped. I'm always fascinated by the scholarly approach to Fulci's career with books like Stephen Thrower's Beyond Terror or the recent Splintered Visions by fellow Monster writer Troy Howarth, how do they make him look so classy? The maggot maven is an extremely fascinating figure more so in my opinion than Argento. I gotta plunk down 30 bucks for each book to see if they try to make some semblance of Dardano Sachetti's nonexistent script.

Heh Heh I'm so high right now

Susie (played by the lifeless Brigitta Boccoli) is the subject of this film and while on vacation in Egypt with her archeologist parents, weird shit starts to run amok. The little girl that plays her is instantly unlikeable and awkwardly smiles a lot in a vacant way. My favorite of most LF's work is the score and I love Fabio Frizzi's funky soothing track complete with chimey magical sounds and Scooby Doo like breakdown. And what the hell, throw in a little Gates Of Hell music while we're at it. Later on the soundtrack basically turns into a best of Frizzi mixtape and it's never a good sign when a current film would rather emphasize the music from his own film catalog (ahem, excluding Tarantino's rampant use of scores ganked from other movies, that's called on homage right)?

A scary looking foreign lady with those uncomfortable scratchy looking white eye contact lenses hands Suze an Osiris medallion in a tomb where all the trouble begins. Meanwhile her dad played by human Gerry Anderson Super Macromation puppet come to life Chris Connelly, veteran of a bazillion 70's TV shows and Raiders of Atlantis, falls into a pit and narrowly evades sharp impaling spikes (his guide was not so lucky)! Connelly has Thunderbirds like features and had more personality in the biker fish flick than he does here.

Fulci obviously hates Egypt and made this film to deter people from visiting there, otherwise why would he make it seem like blue lightning bolts will shoot into your eye sockets and random earthquakes just happen out of nowhere.

Holy Shit! This lasik surgey is oddly very soothing

So, Suzi's Dad (Connelly) goes blind temporarily from the mysterious bolts which is unintentionally hysterical. Don't get too comfy though because shit head Bob (Giovanni Frezza) from House by the Cemetery shows up as the brother! At least that middle aged woman that dubbed his voice is gone and he sort of sounds like he's dubbed by a child.

I'm here for my Geordi La Forge audition

Connolly looks so stupid with Giant white bandages under his glasses and fumbles around for coffee (is he gonna call in "blind" to his job). Suzi's mom Emily (Laura Lenzi, no relation to Umberto) works in an office with Carlo De Mejo the bearded a-froed dude from Terror Express and Gates who must be a clowny fellow because he wears Groucho glasses. The lightning storm that happens as the two kids sleep is a blatant Poltergeist rip off. I like how as the girl walks down the hall, they just throw in the best of Lucio mix tape, making you well aware that his best work behind him.

Will Ferrell back with another wacky comedy nobody wanted

Suzi's eyes light up with blue lasers as her brother messes around with a Rubik's Cube then steps into an ethereal doorway (maybe he's going to the Beetle Juice's waiting room). Even though all this weird shit goes down, none of it is spooky, it all registers as silly and off the wall retarded. Oh yeah and Lucio does one of his Hitchcockian cameos again, playing a guy named Dr. Forester, like the one from MST3K.

I forced TV's Frank to swallow sheep guts too, that's the only way I can feel happiness

A cobra shows up to bite Emily's mom and oh yeah, their closet door teleports to The Egyptian desert, which I guess is some more of that creative Poltergeist theft. I've heard that the Charlton Heston mummy trash flick The Awakening from 1980 may have influenced the director as well, I've never watched it though. The only Spielberg influence I can think of is that Fulci took the "door way into another dimension" aspect and made it a gateway to Egypt, sounds like a Dio song. There's an elevator death scene with an African American actor that reminded me of the one in the Omen 2 (which is better than people give it credit for). The storyline doesn't even make the slightest sense and the whole thing is a train wreck. 

But if you're familiar with Fulci you won't really mind and I've even developed a craving to watch dubbed people be nonsensical for an hour and a half its just entertaining for some illogical reason.

SUPER DUMB, BUT WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

YOU PAID HOW MUCH FOR THAT MUFFLER?