FRANKENSTEIN' S ISLAND

FRANKENSTEIN' S ISLAND
USA, 1981
Directed by: Jerry Warren
Starring: Cameron Mitchell, John Carradine, Robert Clarke

Reviewed begrudgingly by Michael Hauss

One of my many standard procedures when reviewing a film is that I try and write down the action that's going on along with relevant dialogue to be included in the review. This film has so much inane shit to be quoted that I had writers cramps in my hand after the viewing of it. Rather than bombard the reader of the review with all the insanity that this movie packs all at once,  I will divvy it out so as to make the reader want to view this (wink-wink) trash epic and wallow in the insanity that is FRANKENSTEIN' S ISLAND.

The movie stars two actors who would appear in anything as long as there was quick buck to be had and those two are John Carradine and Cameron Mitchell. Once both highly thought of thespians who had slid down hill to working in shit like this. Carradine plays Dr. Frankenstein in the film and Mitchell plays a sea captain named Jason whose boat was engulfed by a wave and the crew washed overboard and he washed ashore on Frankenstein island, Jason is used as a blood donor, kept caged by the doctor.

Just watch this tepidly arousing meme instead, your brain will thank you

Four men and a dog are trying to break an endurance record in a hot air balloon when an odd wind blew them off course and they crashed into the ocean, eventually landing of the island. The men who are never really introduced are a man they call Doc (Robert Clarke), Mark (Robert Christopher), Dino (Patrick O'Neill) and Curtis (Tarin Bookin). They are met by a tribe of nicely groomed women who speak English and practice witchcraft in their animal skin bikinis and came to the island from space. Two old coots who work for Dr. Frankenstein approach the group of men and women and the eye patched old coot who laughs incessantly (Same annoying laugh over and over) tells the girls to be thankful for the mirrors they brought them, that explains the nicely groomed wild women.

Dumb ass, Jabronie and Donovan on a routine expedition . . . (sung to the tune of Land of the Lost) 

The two old coots invite the four men to the Frankenstein house and they accept, of course any man would leave a bevy of  half nude women to follow some numb nuts like these two, right? While waiting for their invite into the house the four men visit Jason who is locked up in a cell and he tells them his back story, quoting some Edgar Allen Poe as he talks and telling them they use him for his blood donations.

It's time for another lobotomy then off to the set of Terror On Tape

When finally in the house they are met by a woman in an evening gown who introduces herself  as Sheila Frankenstein. She explains that Frankenstein was her grandfather, but prefers her maiden name which is Van Helsing. She says that Frankenstein originated everything on the island including the power to paralyze people's arms on the island. She continues "Frankenstein set many forces in action and in doing so set his own law, he still enforces it by channelling thru my husband. My husband was an integral part of the Frankenstein experiments in the early days, the two of them travelled far beyond man's understanding of life and death, so very far that an unbreakable bond was formed between them, it endures today with one dead and one still alive."

Hey wait a min, I think I recognize that lady from Hollywood High, as the bestiality floozy

The men were brought here for a reason, not of their own free will. One of the four men is a doctor and his aid is enlisted in helping collaborate on prolonging the life of Dr. Van Helsing, who is two hundred years old. One thing I said earlier must be corrected here, the fact that I said John Carradine appears in this movie is only half true, it's only his fucking head, Carradine's freaken disembodied head floats around and is always saying things like Power, Power Power! The henchmen on the island look like the Joker' s henchmen in the old 1960's Batman series, wearing sock caps and Sun glasses. You know what this film is so fucking stupid that it's hard to fathom that anything could be this bad, honestly, it sucks. The gang of the four men eventually destroy a brain under glass that the big floating head of Dr. Frankenstein used to channel his power from and with the unintentional help of the original Frankenstein monster who escapes his watery cell in a cave grotto. The men have only enough time to flee the island and I kid you not, before the backup brain for channelling power kicks in and the big floating heads resumes his powerful hold. The four men make it back to some main land after building a raft and get a colonel to gather a group of his men all six or so...and storm the island. The only problem is that everything has banished except the dog Melvin, who carries a medallion to the men, one of the island women had worn the medallion.

PULL MY FINGER!

The film has zero nudity and zero blood, it was so mentally taxing that I wanted to perform a home frontal lobotomy on myself with an ice cream scooper to try and erase the effects this movie had on my brain. (Sorry Mike but that's what happens when you endure a Jerry Warren flick-Crank).

The most frightening thing about this film is that some people consider this the best work of the legendary schlock director/producer Jerry Warren who also made the equally incompetent films TEENAGE ZOMBIES (USA, 1960) and WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN (USA, 1966) among others. I must admit that the dialogue was so retarded at times I felt like I was listening to and watching some classic Ed Woodian film. My God man, this awful mess is without a doubt the worst film I have ever seen and I have seen some real pieces of shit in my time. Recommended to those who love bad movies and for those who are masochist.

WATCH THE RIFFTRAX VERSION ON HULU INSTEAD!