Book Review: 70's Monster Memories

70's Monster Memories Edited By Eric McNaughton

Michael Hauss, our latest writer to join the ranks of the TOG roster brought this highly entertaining book to my attention and for the first time ever, I've decided to review something in print. Usually I shamelessly plug Monster! (more so on FB than here, speaking of, don't forget to buy the new issue featuring my reviews for CHUD and Amityville 2), but print is still vital and important to us, so support struggling writers and make sure you buy a copy of 70's Monster Memories by Eric McNaughton when it's available. McNaughton, runs a UK based magazine called We Belong Dead, I defy you to go to his site, have a gander and not be over joyed (I drooled a little) over the gruesome spectacle of Famous Monster style artwork and glossy images. I want to check out this magazine for sure. 

In this book, there are Paxton/Fenton contributors like Dawn Dabell, Troy Howarth and Mike Hauss, who gushingly reminisce about all things ghoulish and ghastly geared toward Universal Monster and Hammer Horror fanatics. The artwork featured here is pretty fantastic and the stories are captivating, they even go into detail about Horror sound effects records, which are always a fun and a goofy way to entertain your guests during Halloween (or for us Monster fans everyday)! Daz Lawrence wrote about the BBC death and horror sound effects record, which has one of the best covers ever. It's a fuzzy mutated female face surrounded by mummies, Kong, aliens and vampires in the kind of scrawly artwork as a youngster I would try to emulate. Click this link for a sample. I found this record at Sir Arthur Oldies, a weird place I used to frequent in a rundown strip mall in South Florida behind a Dennys.

I remember watching the credits of Dark Shadows and just by hearing the music by Bob Cobert and seeing the black and white crashing waves, I'd imagine what demons and vampires were on the show. I was inspired to draw a bunch of cryptic fiends on a giant cardboard box that I hid in. This is the kind of power nostalgia and horror films has over fans like us and it still resonates with a fun book like this. The 70's is my favorite era for subculture and ephemera, so this book didn't have to really try to get my attention. Michael Hauss writes about Mego creatures in the book, I've always gravitated toward the unique action figures from that toy company. whether they be comic book heroes or Planet of the Apes figures.

There's an article about Aurora model kits, which made me slightly jealous and horror themed candy and food. I remember going to this convenient store in the 80's where I found these hideous tasting Skull Crusher candies that oozed pink liquid. I only got them for the creepy novelty aspect because they were pretty revolting. I was ecstatic to see a mention of the infamous Vincent Price cookbook, where he instructs the public on how to turn their washing machine into an oven!  

There's a whole chapter on 70's novel tie ins,which is something I always try to collect when I come across them. Each page is super informative and vibrant, lots of fun stuff to gawk at! There are 400 pages and it's all in full blood dripping color and the articles and writing is on par with Monster!, so go out of your way to get a copy when it's available.

I highly recommend ordering a copy. Thanks so much Mike for setting me up with my first book review and also to Eric McNaughton for compiling such an entertaining read.

The Editor

The Editor, Directed By Adam Brooks & Matt Kennedy -  Astron 6 is Adam Brooks, Matt Kennedy, Connor Sweeney. Jeremy Gillespie, and Steve Kostanski.  

It's been a few weeks since we've covered a "new" film (which sadly was Goat Scrote's coverage of Eli Roth's Green Inferno), so you know this one is pretty special. I'm a huge fan of Goblin-esque or Alan Howarth/John Carpenter tones or synthwave (what I used to think of as Italio-Disco) and The Editor has a lot of those schmaltzy sounds pouring from the soundtrack. The first ones I got into were Giallo's Flame, Laserhawk and the Disco Undead compilation. The bands featured on this soundtrack are Carpenter Brut, Vercetti Technicolor, Repeated Viewing and of course the best of all time Claudio Simonetti! There's an entire sub genre now, which is pretty cool, so you can mix up your own fake scores for an imaginary Italian Horror flick.

The Editor is a film I had no expectations going into, mainly because I'd only seen the poster artwork, which had Laurence R. Harvey, the tubby guy from the Human Centipede series and other cast members I wasn't familiar with. Each Astron 6 film that I've watched was enjoyed drunkenly along with my best pal Skunkape. Starting with the Troma release Fathers Day in 2011 (lots of anal rape jokes) and Manborg (which was a slight improvement). The Editor however, really cut into the meat of the matter and lampooned all things Italian Horror, this of course is sole the reason I'm reviewing it above all their other films. Did they pull it off, I have to say they did a decent job and for once made a Giallo watchable. Now that's almost impossible in my book, because I'd been burned by many others. Novices out there who blindly stumble into this tarantula infested macaroni pit of parody will not get the jokes and I doubt will want to dive into the Italian exploitation subculture. For those that stick it out, (obviously regular Guts readers have ventured beyond the typical), you will be rewarded. This movie goofs on Fulci, the Franco Nero/David Hess vehicle Hitchhike and there's almost too much technicolor and an over saturation of phantasmagoric Argento style to count the references, blah blah, you get the point. It's all handled really well and they genuinely understood the guilty enjoyment of garbled translated Italian to American style dubbing, nice work Astron 6.

Astron 6 : total boners for 80's nostalgia

The only flaw I could single out here is that they went with Udo Keir, who I've recently gotten used to instead of someone like John Morghen. I even asked Morghen if they bothered to consult him to appear and he said "No", for shame Astron 6!

Shut Up, I'm watching myself on Eagleheart!

The lead protagonist Rey Ciso (star and co director Adam Brooks) comes off like a watered down Franco Nero impersonator but he has a certain level of charisma. Paz de la Huerta is pretty terrible as usual but looks very attractive in a slovenly way, she's made a nice career though appearing in B-movie schlock, this seems somehow classier than her usual garbage. The way she whines at her husband and calls him a cripple (because his fingers were sliced off in an accident and he wears wooden prosthetics) sort of reminds me of the relationship dynamic of Richard Johnson and Olga Karlotos in Zombie. A textbook giallo killer is out slicing through major arteries (the red stuff spurts out in rivers, there's those Argento motifs). The shadowy figure wears a black raincoat, gloves, sunglasses and injects people with a paralyzing serum and carries a straight razor. All the Giallo cliches are evident.

The females in The Editor constantly show full bush and are extremely beautiful, if only real Giallos were that generous. There's a sweet Traci Lords crotch thrusting Murder Rock style homage topped off with a stupendous face ripping. The mechanical face spews out blood and the violator tries to smush the flesh back onto the skull--it's ghastly amusing.

Check out my skinless Maculay Culkin impression

The Human Centipede actor plays a helpful priest and thankfully doesn't sew any mouths to anus' this time around. Another actor/co-writer Conor Sweeney talks like a foreign dubbed guy and gets tons of ladies, his character is sort of gay (he checks out a dude in the shower and compliments his penis), he also wears a bad Ken doll blonde wig.

Yep that's right I brought Herpes to Sicily, so what!

The murders start racking up super fast and it gets increasingly more difficult to tell what's reality and what's being spliced together on the editing table by Rey Ciso.    

The story is intentionally muddled to emulate the Italian gore genre, you know how forgiving most fans are especially if it's a Fulci or Mattei flick, hell, I'll even toss in Claudio Fragasso for fucks sake.

I can't sleep, I drank too much Sanka

There are a lot of grisly murders but one of my favorite parts is when Rey sees a shrouded figure with giant blue contacts, it's such a straight up Argento moment that would be lost on most people who aren't familiar with his early work. There's a comical and yet surreal sex scene where gratuitous mounds of birthday cake are slathered on the man's face (perhaps it's a scat metaphor). There's an insanely gory chainsaw battle that's so violent and sexually gratuitous that it reminded me of Pieces, which I'm sure was intentional even though that's by a Spanish film maker.

Tom Carvel here, reminding you that foodies are welcome to explore their perversions at participating stores

During the second the half, the tributes hurl at you frenzied (a blind girl has a German Shepard, a weapon nearly stabs a victim repeatedly over and over ala-Fulci). I'm always baffled by that motif in the maggot Maestro catalog, but it always occurs and it's always wonderfully suspenseful.
This one hits almost all of the pressure points in a satisfying way, especially if you're an Italian gore junkie, in my mind this is Astron 6's best work to date, go out of your way to see it.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!  
Astron-6 Website

I wish I knew how to quit you Franco

FRANKENSTEIN' S ISLAND

FRANKENSTEIN' S ISLAND
USA, 1981
Directed by: Jerry Warren
Starring: Cameron Mitchell, John Carradine, Robert Clarke

Reviewed begrudgingly by Michael Hauss

One of my many standard procedures when reviewing a film is that I try and write down the action that's going on along with relevant dialogue to be included in the review. This film has so much inane shit to be quoted that I had writers cramps in my hand after the viewing of it. Rather than bombard the reader of the review with all the insanity that this movie packs all at once,  I will divvy it out so as to make the reader want to view this (wink-wink) trash epic and wallow in the insanity that is FRANKENSTEIN' S ISLAND.

The movie stars two actors who would appear in anything as long as there was quick buck to be had and those two are John Carradine and Cameron Mitchell. Once both highly thought of thespians who had slid down hill to working in shit like this. Carradine plays Dr. Frankenstein in the film and Mitchell plays a sea captain named Jason whose boat was engulfed by a wave and the crew washed overboard and he washed ashore on Frankenstein island, Jason is used as a blood donor, kept caged by the doctor.

Just watch this tepidly arousing meme instead, your brain will thank you

Four men and a dog are trying to break an endurance record in a hot air balloon when an odd wind blew them off course and they crashed into the ocean, eventually landing of the island. The men who are never really introduced are a man they call Doc (Robert Clarke), Mark (Robert Christopher), Dino (Patrick O'Neill) and Curtis (Tarin Bookin). They are met by a tribe of nicely groomed women who speak English and practice witchcraft in their animal skin bikinis and came to the island from space. Two old coots who work for Dr. Frankenstein approach the group of men and women and the eye patched old coot who laughs incessantly (Same annoying laugh over and over) tells the girls to be thankful for the mirrors they brought them, that explains the nicely groomed wild women.

Dumb ass, Jabronie and Donovan on a routine expedition . . . (sung to the tune of Land of the Lost) 

The two old coots invite the four men to the Frankenstein house and they accept, of course any man would leave a bevy of  half nude women to follow some numb nuts like these two, right? While waiting for their invite into the house the four men visit Jason who is locked up in a cell and he tells them his back story, quoting some Edgar Allen Poe as he talks and telling them they use him for his blood donations.

It's time for another lobotomy then off to the set of Terror On Tape

When finally in the house they are met by a woman in an evening gown who introduces herself  as Sheila Frankenstein. She explains that Frankenstein was her grandfather, but prefers her maiden name which is Van Helsing. She says that Frankenstein originated everything on the island including the power to paralyze people's arms on the island. She continues "Frankenstein set many forces in action and in doing so set his own law, he still enforces it by channelling thru my husband. My husband was an integral part of the Frankenstein experiments in the early days, the two of them travelled far beyond man's understanding of life and death, so very far that an unbreakable bond was formed between them, it endures today with one dead and one still alive."

Hey wait a min, I think I recognize that lady from Hollywood High, as the bestiality floozy

The men were brought here for a reason, not of their own free will. One of the four men is a doctor and his aid is enlisted in helping collaborate on prolonging the life of Dr. Van Helsing, who is two hundred years old. One thing I said earlier must be corrected here, the fact that I said John Carradine appears in this movie is only half true, it's only his fucking head, Carradine's freaken disembodied head floats around and is always saying things like Power, Power Power! The henchmen on the island look like the Joker' s henchmen in the old 1960's Batman series, wearing sock caps and Sun glasses. You know what this film is so fucking stupid that it's hard to fathom that anything could be this bad, honestly, it sucks. The gang of the four men eventually destroy a brain under glass that the big floating head of Dr. Frankenstein used to channel his power from and with the unintentional help of the original Frankenstein monster who escapes his watery cell in a cave grotto. The men have only enough time to flee the island and I kid you not, before the backup brain for channelling power kicks in and the big floating heads resumes his powerful hold. The four men make it back to some main land after building a raft and get a colonel to gather a group of his men all six or so...and storm the island. The only problem is that everything has banished except the dog Melvin, who carries a medallion to the men, one of the island women had worn the medallion.

PULL MY FINGER!

The film has zero nudity and zero blood, it was so mentally taxing that I wanted to perform a home frontal lobotomy on myself with an ice cream scooper to try and erase the effects this movie had on my brain. (Sorry Mike but that's what happens when you endure a Jerry Warren flick-Crank).

The most frightening thing about this film is that some people consider this the best work of the legendary schlock director/producer Jerry Warren who also made the equally incompetent films TEENAGE ZOMBIES (USA, 1960) and WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN (USA, 1966) among others. I must admit that the dialogue was so retarded at times I felt like I was listening to and watching some classic Ed Woodian film. My God man, this awful mess is without a doubt the worst film I have ever seen and I have seen some real pieces of shit in my time. Recommended to those who love bad movies and for those who are masochist.

WATCH THE RIFFTRAX VERSION ON HULU INSTEAD!

Movie Review: Lisa, Bright and Dark

Lisa, Bright and Dark
Directed by Jeannot Szwarc, Starring Kay Lenz (1973).

Movie review by Greg Goodsell

This “Kindertrauma” favorite had all my fellow classmates in junior high talking about it the day it was telecast on November 28, 1973. Lisa, Bright and Dark had some strong shocking content for its day and innumerable links to the horror genre as well. We will get to this in a moment …

When we first meet Lisa (Kay Lenz), she appears to be just yet another spoiled rich kid whiling away her senior year before embarking on to her college years. Her mom (Anne Baxter) and dad (John Forsythe) are terribly conservative and wealthy, although they seem a bit old to have a 17-year-old daughter. Straight away, things begin to go awry. Subject to mood swings, she tells off her steady boyfriend Brian at a party in front of a bunch of her fellow students, only to re-emerge minutes later smiling and friendly. Something is drastically wrong however. After a shopping spree collecting the latest “Marcia Brady” drag, she forces her way into the car of a complete stranger. Lisa then decides her clothes are too young for her and sets them alight in the car! Imagine all that melted polyester meeting that ugly plaid interior!

YICCHH I shudder at those bad 70's fashions

Things are spiraling wildly out of control for our deluded female student, and a trio of her friends (TV standbys Anne Lockhart, Debralee Scott and Jamie Smith-Jackson) decide to form their own “group therapy” session. Poring over a few “self-help” books from the library, along with some practical experience – “I was in analysis for three years!” one of her friends declares, Lisa’s “hen group” tries to bring her back to a semblance of normalcy, but things only go from bad to worse.

Lisa, Bright and Dark is at its heart a low-to-no budget telefilm with ghastly fashions, but remains highly relevant today. Mental illness remains highly stigmatized in the United States today, and many young women may find themselves in a home situation where the parents and guardians refuse to acknowledge it as it reflects negatively on them. There is also an anti-psychiatrist bias as well. High school guidance counselors, unable to deal with the complexity of teenagers, often reach for the mantra of “Your child needs professional help …” whether it be for nail biting or multiple personality disorder. Not helping the situation are contemporary mental health professional themselves, who glibly prescribe “happy pills” for patients in lieu of addressing their root problems.

Did you get that audition for the Brian Depalma Catsup commercial?

Lisa, Bright and Dark has many connections with the horror genre, with scenes calling to mind films of that era. The scene where Lisa douses herself with red paint in art class prefigures Sissy Spacek in Carrie (1976), as well as a scene where she throws herself through a plate-glass window in the manner of Marilyn Burns in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). (A scene where Lisa carves her name in her arm with a straight pin calls to mind the excesses of recent “torture porn” films as well.)

WRONG! It's spelled SLAYER!

Director Jeannot Szwarc is no stranger to horror film fans, directing William Castle’s Bug (1975) as well as the most horrifying Night Gallery TV episode, “The Caterpillar.” He is also the man responsible for such fan favorites as Jaws 2 (1978) and Somewhere in Time (1980), and remains active in television in the present day.

Hey can you drive me over to the set of Match Game, I'm pretty stoned

As for Lisa, she does “get help” at the end of the film, but we are left with the definite impression that she’s currently pushing a shopping cart and picking through Dumpsters. Overall, Lisa, Bright and Dark still packs a punch and raises many questions that have yet to be addressed in current society.   

BUY HERE

Avenging Force

Avenging Force (American Warrior 2, Night Hunter) Directed By Sam Firstenberg (1986).

I was taking to my Brother-in-Law about Cannon Films and he mentioned this Michael Dudikoff flick that I had never heard of. I was all amped up, not necessarily because I am a fan of the American Ninja actor but it was hard to believe I hadn't seen this Cannon Film, I'll pretty much watch anything the Israeli over bloated American propaganda studio churned out regardless. Also don't forget to check out Mark Hartley's excellent doc on the infamous studio.

Just watch the first 5 mins of AF and you will be sold! This apparently was penned as a sequel to Invasion USA, but when Chuck Norris decided to bail, they rewrote it as a stand alone flick. Unlike Deliverance, the pig fuckers of this swamp come equipped with samurai swords, cheesy masks and S&M gear and belong to a right wing fascist group known as The Pentangle! Led by one of my favorite tough guy actors John P. Ryan as Eliot Glastenbury, this group of pro-Nazi maniacs hunt humans for sport because like in The Most Dangerous Game, they are the ultimate prey.

This Rejuvenique facial mask really helps me butcher assassins more effectively

Michael Dudikoff instead of American Ninja is now Matt Hunter: American Cowboy who lives on a ranch with his Gramps and is best buds with Steve James aka Kung Fu Joe from I'm Gonna Get You Sucka and The Exterminator. There's so much unintentional hilarity going on in this Sam Firstenberg film that it's a must see. The director has made some of my absolute Sho Kosugi flicks like Ninja 3: The Domination and Revenge of the Ninja and of course he changed the universe forever with Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo!

Kung Fu Joe needs your vote, don't let Mayor Goldie Wilson persuade you

When the Pentagle cretins are back in the office they all wear Conservative tuxes and are so Pro-American it's fanatical, back in 1986 it was sort of comical but this breed or hyper political racism is now the mainstream, which bizarrely enough makes Avenging Force almost ahead of its time! 

Dudikoff looks like he's trying to move a brick out of his bowels and remain ultra cool at the same time, he's has all the charm of a mobile slab of beef. It's funny to think about now if this were a Chuck Norris movie (which it was originally supposed to be), I think he'd side with the Pentangle's message of ridding society of Communism and yellow bellied Liberals!

No I'm not Limehouse Willie, you must have me confused, I'm a Walter Mathau impersonator

Limehouse Willie, played by James Booth, the sadistic bastard from Pray for Death shows up to work with Matt against the Pentangle. Dudikoff's acting consists of really hard stares, just check out this sample of his lethargic face paralysis in this intro to Bronx Executioner. This film dares to throw in a gratuitous car chase that drags things down and I'm glad Steve James is present, he's more likable then Dudikoff. They both lay the smackdown on some henchmen and one balding glasses wearing member is a funny standout. Later on, he gets shot in the shoulder and bawls like a giant baby.

Am I smoking bathsalts with a hint of PCP, indubitably!  

Elliot of course won't rest until the American cowpoke is dead and they firebomb his ranch house in the middle of dinner and it gets worse as they shoot Steve James with arrows and machine gun his son during Mardi Gras, but I guess that's life in the mean streets of Nawlins. I like how James' character slowly walks through the burning farm, trying to help out, but sadly it doesn't help. Limehouse Willie's research team are pretty clueless and consist of a bunch of Coke bottle bespectacled mustaches scratching their heads wondering where did it all go wrong.
The strangest part is how they kidnap Matt's little sister Sarah (Allison Gereighty) and recruit her into their teenage prostitution ring. Gereighty has a strange dubbed voice and must've been so terrible, because she never acted again. 

Brokeback 2: Ninja Rump Rangers

It all ends with a series of swampy brawls against each comical Pentangle member. Glastenbery manages to garrote Matt in his high priced mansion. Hunter gets strangled by razor sharp wires and by all logic should die a lightning quick death, but he must have cyborg bones because he just coughs a little and shakes it off. The pacing drags even for an hour and a half film, but I definitely recommended the movie and this is coming from someone who doesn't really like Michael Dudikoff that won't stop me from watching other films he's appeared in however, I might even give River Of Death a whirl after this enjoyable experience.

I wish I knew how to quit you Lord Humungus 

WATCH HERE

Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects

Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects Directed By J. Lee Thompson, Starring Charles Bronson (1989). 

This is the only time I can recall where Charles Bronson gets all racist, calling out Asian people in their part of the city where he's the minority in LA's China town! I'd expect this bullshit from Clint Eastwood but not a guy who practically looks Asian!

Chuck does some outlandish crazy shit like sodomizing a pedophile with a giant dildo, who was rudely interrupted while attempting to fuck Nicole Eggert (and that's just right after the credits)! It's not Scott Baio either. Lee J. Thompson is on board, so you know this Cinemax staple is about to get insane! Bronson forces a pimp named Duke played by Juan Fernandez to swallow his Rolex watch whole, sprays him with mustard and finally sics horny inmates on his ass in prison, how humiliating! Don't feel too sorry for Duke though because he is a kiddie prostitute pimp.

Willy Wonka made this watch for you to eat out of Oompa Loompa droppings

The great Sy Richardson is his henchmen, he's always entertaining to me and very out of character in this role, I kept thinking he was gonna pop in his funk tape and go into his Repo Man spiel. During one scene, they hang Sy over a railing Suge Knight style, his shoes slip off and they end up murdering him! Chuck does so many ridiculously illegal things here it's almost surreal. That's the entire point though, most of his films are just a beefed up dumb male fantasy of corruption, where everything can be solved by extreme violence and intimidation.

Fuck! are you crazy crackers from Death Row Records?

Kinjite's plot device also concerns Japanese businessmen assimilating into Western culture by way of a corporate seminar. One oily slime bucket played by James Pax goes too far on the subway with Bronson's daughter and tries to finger her! This is an odd coincidence and it's very weird and kind of gross how the young girls chant about "Partying" and Pax's character thinks that's the molestation signal.

Charles in Charge of that booty!

I think that most of the budget went into hair oil there's a lot of that greasy stuff dripping off of every other character's face or scalp. Whenever there's Japanese dialogue it's annoying how none of it is subtitled (not even on the DVD). Fumiko (Kumiko Hayakawa), the sleazy businessman's daughter, who talks like she's one of the Kids of Widney High, gets abducted and ends up working for Duke and his child prostitute ring. I felt really sorry for her, but you have to hear how oddly lethargic this girl's voice is. Duke puts on a little fashion show and then forces her to serve the public. One female client, who seems like a psychiatrist, talks to her while she sits in a chair, at least she doesn't have sex with them (at least not on screen). This one is overtly offensive and is a first for Bronson who basically plays fanatically Catholic racist dipshit cop who's a part time anal rapist! Go back to playing a disgruntled psychotic vigilante I say.

Mark Corrigan lent me his dildo Kenneth

Peggy Lipton plays his wife, she was in this right before Twin Peaks. Danny Trejo who was on the set of a lot of Cannon Flicks makes a very special appearance toward in the prison scene, look out for him. J. Lee Thompson had some duds in his career (Battle for the Planet of the Apes, aka "let's slap dollar store masks on everyone except Roddy McDowall") then again he also made my favorite most politically charged entry in the series Conquest of the Planet of the Apes and the oddball slasher Happy Birthday To Me. He also directed Murpy's Law which is my least favorite Bronson flick, I'm inclined to blame Kathleen Wilhoite but I do have a slight crush on her. She's super fucking annoying in that movie though! This was his last film so it's possibly Thompson just threw caution to the wind but I'm just baffled at how he convinced Chuck to even hold a giant dildo in the vicinity of a male ass. Oh well, cleanse that bizarre image away with a homoerotic Japanese ad for Mandom cologne.

I'm from the Trump campaign can we count on the abducted child prostitute vote? 

This one is extremely popular with good reason, it's one of the best Bronson flicks among other favorites of mine like 10-Midnight, The Evil That Men Do (which Golan and Globus released separate from Cannon) and Death Wish 3. Oh yeah, one thing I should mention David Axelrod, an actor I know from Tim and Eric shows up as a security guard who almost gets his head knocked off. according to his IMDB, he has voiced a lot of Anime and even had a bit part in Lady Terminator and played a Paul McCartney impersonator on Family Matters. I've neglected to review many Cannon Films for some reason, mainly because I'm trying to cover only Deep Red related shit. More 80's trash will show up eventually--stay tuned.

BUY HERE

Cataclysm: The Nightmare Never Ends

Cataclysm: The Nightmare Never Ends (Satan's Supper), Directed by Gregg Tallas, Tom McGowan, Phillip Marshak. Starring Richard Moll (1980).

You've seen Night Train to Terror which has snippets of Nightmare and about five other films crammed together like a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich that adds up to a headache inducing disgusto-thon. This film was directed by 3 separate people, which should tell you something, too many cooks spoil the broth. Nothing about this travesty works and yet it's profoundly fascinating in a "I can't believe what I'm seeing" sort of way. Troma owns the rights to this one and Vinegar Syndrome offers the Night Train version (which is more coherent for some unknown reason). This one and Death Wish Club are available full length in the DR catalog. I knew there was something special about this Cameron "total dime whore " Mitchell/ Richard "Night Court's Bull" Moll Z-grade flick. 

It begins with deep sea magma footage of evolving rock, then a road trip with some of the most Thorazined-out dialogue looping I've ever heard. I mean just 2 mins in I'm ecstatic to watch this fiasco (or cataclysm which are just both synonyms for disaster) unfold or fall flat on its face. To me, this is a quintessential shit flick to steal Kris Gilpin's term. Claire Hansen, a ham faced lady played by the atrocious Faith Clift who has a more lethargic sounding voice than Frozen Scream's Liz Stanhope is plagued by a vision of Nazis machine gunning down a quartet of cello girls upon her visit to a dingy Vegas nightclub act. Her and her husband James Hansen (Moll) who's a novelist with a best selling book called "God Is Dead" go to see a cheapo psychic. It turns out the clairvoyant, a former ventriloquist is in league with Satan and soon after dies, (he scrawls "Moloch" in some sugar). Was it a warning, who knows there are tons of non sequiturs in this one, just go with it Sgt. Stedenko! 

Richard Dawkins eat your heart out

Next a blithering old man sees a David Cassidy looking dude on TV and starts having a conniption fit all over Cameron Mitchell because he was recognizes him as a Nazi who tortured him during the Holocaust.

Bring us your finest soiled bag of Pizza Hutt bread sticks

Robert Bristol who should've gotten hired as a Partridge family stunt double for Cassidy is a Mr. Olivier, a Nazi demon with cloven hooves and probably Satan incarnate only instead of doing anything terrifying with his powers he seems content to just haunt discos. So to clarify David Cassidy is an immortal vampire or demon Nazi and Cameron and Lawrence must try to defeat him. 

Satan is obviously really Danny Bonaduce in human form, not me

There's nothing more excruciating then an old coot babbling like a doofus, I was very annoyed at Marc Lawrence's performance in this role, he needed a hard slap that's not delivered. The way he prattles on like an idiot kind of reminds me of James Hong getting too cold in the organ transplant facility in Blade Runner.He goes down to a haunted house with spooky purple windows and gets eaten by a big rubber creature which burns a 666 on his stomach. Lawrence wears a Don Post looking shoddy old man mask and later on directed Pigs (aka Daddy's Deadly Darling), which I'm not sure even if they had a lighting technician and looks like it was illuminated by a stray Bic lighter. Oh Yeah, Troma owns the rights to that one as well. 

Cheap lighting and loose morals that's how you move product at Barnes and Noble

It's very weird to see Richard Moll shine as the best actor in this film. Satanists and wackos admire his agnostic book "God is Dead" and start following him like flies on sherbet. One bearded freak with a funny name Mr. Papini (Maurice Grandmaison) won't leave Bull alone and spouts his bargain basement philosophy about God and the Devil. When I saw him in Night Train I thought he was a Manson-type, but now I see here he's almost like the priest played by Dr. Who actor Patrick Troughton only with zero acting ability or presence. 

Dignity, what's that and yes they did pay me in Circus Peanuts

The subject matter is pretty dark  for this crummy film and the budget-less way it's all presented takes away the impact. Everybody meets up at to the disco, Moll, his wife, Cameron Mitchell and even the Satanic Partridge--I guess it's the place to be. Satan sits on weird throne in between two scrawny coked out babes. Mr Olivier, which is not a very sinister name, unless you're afraid of the Shakespearean actor from Marathon Man (come to think of it Marc Lawrence was also in that one which is an odd coincidence).

Every dude in this movie has a 70's hardy boy haircut and a satin jacket like all the garage bands in San Francisco used to for awhile until they all turned into Sons of Anarchy style beardos or drug casualties like Ty Segall.

UGH, Gross I hate Billy Corgan

Claire inexplicably visits a black psychic who keeps referring to himself as a "nigger," OK, that part is totally offensive and uncalled for. I wonder if the script writer, after penning a semi interesting story saw what they did to his screenplay and immediately blew his brains out William H. Macy Boogie Nights style.

The agnostic "God is Dead talk show scene" is intact from Night Train and Bull's hair looks kind of like a male Bride of Frankenstein. There are elements of this film that are fun and I could see why they'd try to salvage it for a compilation anthology but it still all adds up to a tepid brainless very special episode of Tales From The Darkside.

Bob Tilton stole my shit yo!

I like how Mr. Olivier gets pissed off that Bull thinks believing in Satan is just as stupid as belief in God and then is crunched by a demonic force until his eye pops from the socket.

Panini is the worst protector ever, he kind of resembles a homeless Stanley Kubrick. When he gets thrashed by one of Satan's nuns, who sticks her side butt at him, I was overjoyed! They end up giving the immortal Partridge a live autopsy. If there's one way to kill the devil it's through amateur botched surgery am I right? The ending is pretty crazy so stick around for that.

FOR NIGHT TRAIN COMPLETISTS ONLY IF ANY EXIST