Terror Express

Terror Express (Horror Sex) Directed By Fernando Baldi, Starring Werner Pochath (1980).

No George Eastman or rape/revenge aficionado's collection is complete until you've seen this film. Luigi Montefiori wrote the script and also brought along the "Funky Phantom stylingz" of Marcello Giombini who Italian Horror nerds are very familiar with. Marcello scored tons of soundtracks for Umberto Lenzi (Knife of Ice), Sexy Nights of the Living Dead, Anthropophagus (Joltin' Joey D) and Beast in Space (which Skunkape reviewed in Monster #7 ).

Three train punks stir up shit, they are led by Dave (Werner Pochath from Mosquito the Rapist, the film that depressed everyone in the GUTS crew, especially Goat Scrote who we elected to review it and he still hasn't forgiven us)! His rag-tag cronies are some of the least threatening looking motherfuckers imaginable--I mean they all wear Bobby Sherman style chains and tan clothes (maybe they're supposed to be communists, not sure). Ernie (Carlo De Mejo, the actor who went onto Fulci's Gates of Hell) sports a Bob Ross fro, I mean that is tough! Rounding out the trio is Phil (Fausto Lombardi) who later went onto Rats:Night of Terror. I mean it seems as if Eastman was trying to prove a point by making these effeminate slimeballs easy to over power with silly names.

Who do we have to blow to get more champagne coolies over here?

These creeps are lucky they ended up on this train because its populated by tons of frail elderly people and one sizzlingly hot blonde prostitute played by the sultry Silvia Dionisio. Silvia was in Andy Warhol's Dracula (or Blood for Dracula), Richard Freda's Murder Obsession and my all time favorite Deodato police crime flick Live Like A Cop, Die like a Man. Here she's sort of plays a used up kleenex and isn't given a chance to really do much but get exploited. 

I'm more like a snot covered fancy hanky than a used up tissue

Zora Kerova (who a year later would viciously get her boobs punctured for Cannibal Ferox), unwillingly participates in one of the silliest gang rape scenes ever filmed. The graphic sex is all handled in a revolting manor, there's lots of male licking (Blecccchhhhh)! She bumps and grinds these limp wristed dudes almost as if she has a penis! I'm not sure who's to blame for the homo-erotic way the shots are handled but after directing tons of Spaghetti Westerns (like Get Mean, which Blue-Underground will be releasing very soon) Baldi later on really shit the bed with gimmicky 3D garbage like Comin At Ya! and Treasure of the Three Crowns!

What's your secret, how do you get your perm so bouncy?

One kimono wearing senior with a Gene Wilder bird's nest hairdo tells his daughter to strip and then humps the hooker who resembles her, there's some Freudian creepiness of the highest order, BARF! The score by Giombini is electro disco as usual and sounds like the music Eastman would play in his champagne room. It's shocking how wimpy these supposed terrorizing punks come off as. That's the most entertaining part of the film they bring it up to an unintended level of hilarity. It's almost surreal how non-threatening these punks are, the hokey Nazi ones from Night Train Murders would wipe the flour with them, Hell, the Fucking Beatles from a Hard Days Night would come off like the Clockwork Orange gang in comparison!!!

Come with me if you want to paint happy little trees!

The dark shots of the train are so shitty that it looks like they repeatedly fade to black every time it's shown. For some reason there is a record amount of male nudity, maybe this film by default should make the GLBT list of rape/revenge films. It's all extremely sleazy and tedious though and I was cackling like a madman. Gianluigi who plays a balding convict in handcuffs ended up in Burial Ground with Peter Bark the year after. Once unshackled, he tries to defend the honor of Julie the blonde hooker and ends up getting jumped by the punks who just got finished gang raping her.

I knew I'd seen Pope Francis somewhere before he became famous

There's about as much terror as a Thomas the Train episode (even with the gang rapes, so then why am I so captivated by this film), I just admire George Eastman so much and the fact that he wrote this and it's a complete misfire for some reason delights me--only in Italian exploitation cinema could this be seen as a positive. According to Mondo-Digital, Montefiori was influenced by one of my favorite subway terror films The Incident, although I don't see much of a connection. If he had starred as one of the vicious thugs that would've given it less of a cheesy vibe than it has, because none of the punks are intimidating in the least.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED FOR THOSE WHO GET THE UNINTENDED GOOFINESS (EVERYONE ELSE WATCH THE LATEST FAST AND FURIOUS SEQUEL INSTEAD, THIS AINT FOR YOU).  

I hear that Neil Patrick Harris just signed on to play me in the remake of Mosquito!