Devil's Woman

Devil's Woman Directed by Norman "Otto" Chan Hok-Yan, Starring Elvis Tsui Kam Kong  (1996).

Thanks to porn site XVideos, I can watch this Cat III film (pardon the screen shots with that fucking annoying logo in the left corner). Chas claims in the catalog that this features Asia's tallest actor and babies being blown out of a pregnant women's belly, Woah lot's of craziness to look forward too right? 

It all starts off on the set of a movie with May, a poor abused actress played by Cammy Choi Mei-Lan, whose teeth are knocked out during a stunt. This seems realistic from what I've seen in most HK productions, the actors involuntarily perform stunts like it or not. She even makes a thinly veiled Jackie Chan joke. The director goes all Kubrick on her ass and cackles as she almost drowns "for the sake of art". 

when's Rush Hour 12 coming out?

Penis head or Elvis Tsui Kam Kong the actor from a film I just reviewed (Eternal Evil) shows up as a guy named bald head. He's joined by Ben Ng, another actor from "Evil." calling Elvis bald head instead of dick head is not much of a stretch and he has psychic premonitions to boot. He's on a SWAT team that infiltrates a barn, where a dude who has no qualms about machine gunning a pregnant woman and said baby does indeed get bullet propelled out of the womb and smacks baldy right in the upper lip! Anyone excited to see this needs major therapy, but OK don't say this film didn't deliver its wretched promise! Happy Pappy?

Yeah that baby might grow up to be Donald Trump, on second thought abort it!

Although there was no indication that the fictional film has stopped, so maybe we're still in fantasy land? Strike that, the tortured actress from the start is back again and given more torture to deal with. There's no establishment of anything in the land of Cat III, everything is hurled at you super fast and you are forced to deal with it immediately, instant gratification some might say!

A warlock or something (not sure, it happens so fast) poisons her with a spider that causes her to puke and than writhe around, this will somehow give her fame? According to HKMDB this is the moment she sells her soul to Satan. First off, I'm not even sure this woman wanted to be famous--but OK-- I'll play along subplot, I mean I guess it worked for Cassavette's character in "Rosemary's Baby".

Hail Satan, I mean Sedan!

Bald head starts to lose sleep from the stress of being splattered by the dead baby and begins to have nightmares. He sees a pretty psychiatrist played by Marianne Chan Miu-Ying (who was also in "Ebola Syndrome"), who seems totally crazy and keeps a mirror on her desk as a test and stands over it with a short skirt to see if people will check out her vagina. Pretty wacky shit right? that's what you get with this kind of HK film.

And if my cranium was still a penis I'd beat it into submission

Nothing is really all that hardcore, only suggested at and there's certainly no reason to find this on a porn site! Dr. Cheung (John Cheung Chan-Sang), a horny surgeon bonks May, who wears a cute new wave style haircut, the sex causes him to sprout facial veins, mutate then quickly die. I get the feeling though that he's on a time release and may spring back to life "Alien Nation" style.

There's a MST3K moment where Officer Baldhead gets a bottle smashed over his noggin and utters the profoundly confusing line "It's peanut"! I have to let that settle for awhile before I comment, I can only gather that the translation made no sense or is that a thing Chinese people say like "Meh, it's peanut, no Biggy", very confused! Maybe I'll start that trend of saying things are totally peanut and be helmed as a genius wordsmith, probably not though, let's just move on!

Madam look more presentable, you're in a Cat 3 film for fuck's sake!

The storyline is pretty much thrown all over the place and it's hard to figure out if it's at all linear. Witchy sources are a foot in the background though and every so often they rear their ugly heads. An eyeball popping cat is on the attack and gets tossed in a microwave (Alf would be licking his greasy lips during this scene I'd imagine).

That Elm Street Johnny Depp mattress claims another victim!

In Siskel & Ebert's review of Hellraiser 2, they whined about how nothing was linear and you could walk in on any random scene and have no connection to the storyline, I think they were talking about Devil's Woman and wandered into the wrong theater! Oh yeah I have to mention there's a scene where Baldy's dick actually hiccups, I shit you not!

This film is pretty infuriating if you try to follow along, but if you want a gruesome spectacle then just throw it on and turn your brain off, because it hardly made any logical sense to me, it's definitely out there though.

MAKE SURE YOU WATCH IT MORE THAN ONCE, TOO MUCH TO PROCESS!