Mistress of the Apes

Mistress of the Apes Directed By Larry Buchanan, Starring Jenny Neuman (1979).

Sometimes I feel as if I'm punishing myself by watching a film like this; wasn't this just on Dick Cheney's enhanced interrogation list of legally appropriate torture along with rectal feeding? 

It opens with a quote that reminds you that our lineage can be traced back to Africa, it's always a good sign when Larry Buchanan, the self proclaimed "Schlockmeister" and Kris Gilpin's close personal friend reminds us of something serious in a rubber ape movie, aye?

My only point of reference for Buchanan or the "Buchmeister" is his epic trash heap Creature of Destruction, which I reviewed for the Weng's Chop "Beach Party Issue", along with Beachball and I kind of hated it. I'm willing to pour a nice tumbler of whiskey and forget all about that unfortunate mishap and give Larry another shot, don't fuck up this time buddy!

Stealing our music? That's just fucked up Larry!

So, Ahem, anyway back to the review. Meanwhile in the jungle . . . Wait, I'm hearing some familiar library stock music from a certain flesh eating ghoul movie from Pittsburgh. Some morons looking for goody headache powder most likely, break into the drug supply of a busy hospital. The Romero stock music continues to play as a blonde falls off a gurney in slow-motion. The idiotic robbers shoot cops and then it cross fades into the important storyline information which has a lot to do with the island of the silly named Book-a-boo. Next, we have a saucy Teri Garr type posing for cheesecake photos with a fat galoot named David Thurston, who looks kind of like a 60'S mod style Dennis Burkley (of Sanford and Mask: the Rocky Dennis one fame).

This Cal is Bachelor Pad Cal

Paul and the blonde from the hospital show up with  suspiciously blurry slides that show a scary ape-man! Or a Pithocene to be exact (according to the script) and my fuzzy memory of an Anthropology class I took at CCSF. 

AHAHA YOU DUMB HUMAN, NO PITHOCENE'S EXIST!

They all agree to fly out to Ooga-Booga island to capture the missing link, a totally reasonable excuse for a vacation right?   

Mr. Thurston is kind of a dick toward the locals who he already knows and they are out doing jobs for him. Dennis' wife looks like Martine Beswick, but Oops it's actually Barbara Leigh, who a year before was in the Andy Sidaris film Sevano's Seven and Boss Nigger, she also played Vampirella. She actually stopped acting after this flick, I'm sure it had nothing to do with the self loathing, this movie probably brought on to her fragile psyche. 

I can't read does it say Martine Beswick?

As for this critic, I'm having a blast, this film is so horrible that it's a soothing train wreck. Sometimes the ape creature will peek through some leaves, he kind of looks like a Planet from the Apes reject. 

Jenny Neuman, the hospital blonde, shows her boobs for a few minutes, she slightly resembles Candice Rialson and was on the V TV Series and Hell Night (which I thought sucked).

I don't get the symbolism?

There's a gibberish sounding Native language that is not really offensive, just lazy research. 

I like how all the adventurers dress like Panama Jack fashion models and look totally stupid. They shoot at a topless female humanoid monkey to establish further what shitheads these hunters are.

I learned how to roofie chicks from Russ Meyer

Holy Cameos! Stuart "Russ Meyer bit player" Lancaster shows up as a warring poacher. Dave mentions that they found something as valuable as "The Peking Man" and won't let anything stand in his way. After dark, A black girl goes swimming naked while being surrounded by tons of Alligators, they spare her life, but the ape man doesn't and she gets killed by his axe.

Dave invites Stuart and his tiny sidekick to rape his wife by saying 'Hey it's cool we're all family". I didn't expect this film to take such a random Deliverance style detour, but I can't say I object! Jenny gets naked again and ends up humping the monkey man, then also finds a nude baby that she throws in front of her chest, so no one can enjoy the view!

Yes I do expect to receive a hefty sum from the Tim Burton divorce settlement! 

The apemen (that's right plural), finally show up an hour into the film and they play her funky theme song that goes "She's an ape lady, etc, etc!" The song is very catchy and after hearing it, you might have to do a "Neti Pot ear cleanse" to eradicate it from your subconscious! The hominids remind me of Helena Bonham Carter/ Michael Jackson from Tim Burton's abysmal Planet of the Apes remake. Mistress is very talky, but a total laugh riot, that is, if you have the patience for dumb movies! The most shocking part for me was during the credits when I saw that Greg Cannom and Rob Bottin handled the effects, how far they've advanced in the special effects world! I guess at the time they were the crack team of Ape creature creators and hopefully Rick Baker sent them migraine medicine while they were on the set. Bottin's talents would return later on for Tanya's Island, another monkey turd featured in the catalog.

MONUMENTALLY SPAZZTIC, FOR THOSE BANANA EATERS OUT THERE!

YAY! It's over, now hopefully we won't get paid in smokeable banana peels!