Horror Hospital

Horror Hospital (Dr. Bloodbath, Frankenstein Horror Klinik, Computer Killers) Directed By Anthony Balch, starring Michael Gough (1973).
 
If you're looking for a ghoulishly fun British horror film, this is a must see! Not even five minutes goes by before we get a motorized decapitation Rolls Royce with a handy dandy head catching basket. This film is in league with cryptic Brit favorites like Theatre of Blood, Dr. Phibes and the work of Peter Walker. 

Michael Gough and his dwarf pal Frederick (Skip Martin) are perturbed that two patients with blood soaked bandages on their scalps attempted to escape. They pay for their insolence with their lopped off heads. I remember seeing the image of the two victims on the cover of a zine in middle school called Demonique in the Fantaco catalog. 
    

They went alittle crazy with the condiments

      
   Jason Jones (Robin Askwith, who looks like they cloned Brian Jones) decides to take a vacation away from the music scene after a glam band steals one of his tunes. His ripped off song "Mark of Death" by Mystic is a pretty hilarious and sounds like Eric Burdon trying to imitate Alice Cooper. Askwith was also in Horror On Snape Island before this, which I've yet to see but remember fondly from the "Mad Ron's Prevues from Hell" tape.
     

Gingivitis I hardly knew yee

   Mr. Pollack (played by Ealing comedian Dennis Price) is a gay rotten toothed travel agent for Hairy Holidays. After checking out Jason's bulge he watches as the mop-toped yob sets off on a train. Jason meets a cute girl named Judy (Phoebe Shaw) who's timid at first, but he eases her mind by saying "Listen honey, I'm not gonna rape you". Yeah that's a reassuring opener, which I guess worked in 1973 because she trusts him and they become a couple. They check into a drafty health clinic where they are greeted by Fred the dwarf from the beginning who's unusually chipper and wears a yarmulke. Skip Martin, who was also in Vampire Circus, brings most of the black comedy to the film. 

This corn beef bloody better be kosher

   At dinner time, the couple (who are getting friskier by the minute) see a table full of pale teens with head wounds, there are glasses of green Kool-aid in front of them. 
I'm beginning to think Hairy Holidays is a scam to commit hippies to an insane asylum or worse!

Coloring books were often used to fool Hippies into impromptu lobotomies

   Dr. Storm (Michael Gough) shows up at the hotel and his midget servant keeps telling everyone to brush their teeth, he's an advocate for tooth wellness, not brain health. Storm has a grayish complexion, wears black leather gloves and travels in a wheelchair.
   
   There are two motorcycle henchmen who reminded me of the axe hacking maniac biker gang from The Undertaker and his Pals. They beat the piss out of Jason in the forest which really taps into that fantasy you might have in wanting to see one of those 60's era Rolling Stones jerks get what's coming to them.
 

Oh wait, you didn't drown, is Hendrix still alive too?

   This movie hates hippies and Dr. Storm uses the travel agency to lobotomize the teenagers.
He's kind of like Phil Spector and anyone that deserts him gets slaughtered, even those who were loyal to him. At the end he explains how he worked for Pavlov and after Stalin installed new adolescent runts, that was the last straw and the reason he hates the younger generation. His form of retaliation was to create a lobotomized human zoo. They tried this concept in Barn of the Naked Dead with unappealing results. It gets even weirder as we find out Dr. Storm is a mutant creature made out of melted wax and is seen fornicating with different girls. 
      

It's embarrassing but you're right we both have the same hair stylist

 

   The director Anthony Balch is a counterculture fixture who hung out with Burroughs and Kenneth Anger, later on he distributed some of the most highly regarded cult flms like Haxan, Supervixens and The Corpse Grinders (which was on a double bill with Horror Hospital). He never made another film and sadly died of stomach cancer in 1980, he was an extremely talented director. The score is great and uses stock music from the De Wolfe catalog to great effect, I guess I'm a sucker for library music as someone who is obsessed with all the Romero tracks from Dawn and Creepshow. This film is a total blast and a must see for people who are on the fence about British horror, it may just convert them.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

I gotta run this over to the set of Brain Damage

Hold on! I'm indecent!

Mutant 69 which I guess you could call a 74

Raptus: The Horrible Secret of Dr. Hichcock

RAPTUS: THE HORRIBLE DR. HICHCOCK (Frightening Secret of Dr. Hichcock, El terrible secreto del Dr. Hichcock) Directed By Riccardo Freda, Starring Barbara Steele (1962).

In London 1885 graves are being defiled in this strange Victorian era tale of necrophilia, erotic medical experiments and ghostly revenge. This film has some nice blueish hues mixed with pasty faced actors and drab color schemes. It sort of reminds me of Antonio Margheriti's "Virgin of Nuremberg" which had that unmistakable mix of Italian horror dread and atmospheric cinematography. But this time its a director we've never featured at ToG, Riccardo Freda who seemed to exclusively work with Mario Bava. There's a couple of Freda titles in the catalog that will be reviewed soon.

Hey baby . . . come here often?

   Margaret, a piano playing redhead is repeatedly shot up with a mysterious hypodermic needle by Dr. Bernard Hichcock (Robert Flemying), who looks kind of like a young Jim "Mr. Magoo" Backus with a crewcut. The injections are used for their oddball sexual kicks, somehow the Dr. makes a fatal error and kills her, after she is quickly buried in the backyard crypt. Once she has died, the Doc. cannot stand to be around anything that reminds him of his beloved and he skips town.

I learned how to be a professional necrophile on Gilligan's Island

   The lunkhead returns to his mansion with his new wife (man, those Italians get over things fast)! His newest bride Cynthia is played of course by the radiant Goth beauty Barbara Steele, who just two years prior appeared in her iconic role as the resurrected witch from Mario Bava's classic Black Sunday.

   Evil is lurking in the mansion, we're talking haunted cats and weird screams from the caretaker's sister who just escaped an asylum. A perfect time to turn in and get a restful goodnight's rest (Yeah Right)!

I sure hope a hairy hand doesn't press my face into the window like in Suspiria

   Steele is just cinematic eye-candy and looks adorable in this role as the frightened wife being visited by creaky phantoms in the dead of night. Martha the twisted old caretaker and Dr. Hichcock are working together to victimize poor Cynthia.

   I like how one of Bernard's colleagues mentions that he's worked with Freud in Vienna and Cynthia says she's never heard of ole' Siggy! The presence of the dead wife is everywhere in the house, even in a gaudy giant sized portrait with her cat Jezebel.

Just a friendly reminder to spay and neuter your evil pets

   Bernie it turns out has a boner for cold stiff women and fondles a random corpse in the morgue. Luckily a doctor catches him in the act and he stops. For 1962 a film about corpse fucking was unheard of (in the Deep Red catalog it's called a tender moving tribute to necrophilia)! In reality, you had Ed Gein ransacking his kitchen looking for that damn nipple belt!

   Steele walks down so many cryptic hallways carrying a candelabra and always looks beautiful. Bernie should stop pining for dead flesh and start humping his current wife, but that's what makes him so "horrible"!

I found a way to inject Wonka's fizzy lifting drinks

   In the dead of night during a thunderstorm, Dr. Hichcock dons a hideous red mask (that looks like the ones used in that famous Twilight Zone episode set in New Orleans) and tries to terrify Cynthia. It's debatable whether that creepy mask is made of rubber or was the true face of the doctor, it's not explained why he would wear an ugly mask for a split second. There's a lot of implied subtext that your mind fits together concerning the doctors sexual depravity.

You can find this cheapo mask at most Dollar Tree stores

  He finally seals Cynthia up in a coffin, after trying to drug her numerous times. She manages to escape, but it gets worse as Bernie's dead wife has risen from the grave and is pissed off that her husband has replaced her. Does Cynthia make it out in time, I'm not spoiling the end, so you'll have to find out for yourself!

What? No I wasn't falling asleep

   The Whip and The Body has the same kind of weird overtly taboo sexual nature of Raptus, early 60s audiences were not ready for it. Director Riccardo Freda (apparently a reluctant horror maker) is featured many times in the pages of Deep Red and in the VHS catalog. During a few movies, Mario Bava ghost directed for Freda on I, Vampiri and Caltiki-The Immortal Monster after Riccardo decided to bail on the set. Some sources mention how Bava considered Freda a mentor and his cinematic technicolor style seems to be a major influence.

   According to David Del Valle of kinoeye.org, there are tons of actual Alfred Hitchcock references throughout the film, wait you mean Freda wasn't trying to cash in like every other Italian Horror director in existence? Ernesto Gastaldi the screenwriter took elements of Vertigo (The portrait and haunted wife), Martha the housekeeper is patterned after Mrs. Danvers in Rebecca, glass of poison milk (Suspicion) and the Hitchcock theme of wives in fear of their husband's devious obsessions. Worth checking out for Gothic Horror fans who wanna a little kinkiness with their scares.    

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The Nest

The Nest Directed By Terry Winkless, Starring Robert Lansing (1988).
Not to be confused with the atrocious The Nesting from 81, that film is a total bore. I remember seeing the Japanese poster for this Roger Corman production in the Deep Red Horror Handbook next to Nekromantik. It was difficult to find and got lost in the shuffle among other Eco-Horrors and Killer Bug movies (Phase IV may be the Citizen Kane of diabolical insect flicks). I'm expecting there to be a wrestling match between a GLOW type girl and a huge Palmetto bug for the big finale, if that doesn't happen, I can't demand my money back since I found this on Youtube, but it may cause me to shed an Iron Eyes Cody "litter tear".
   I fondly remember Lisa Langlois as the super hot punk girl from Class of 1984. Maybe Lisa will get all slathered in grease and wrestle a giant bug-- fingers crossed. Roaches give a lot of people the heebie jeebies, they don't really freak me out as much as slugs though and I saw plenty of both in South Florida.

Wrasslin and Bugs, what's not to like?

    Sheriff Richard Perkins (Franc Luz) lives like a beach bum in a coastal New England town called North Port. He can't even get a decent Cup o' Joe without a bug swimming in it.
He picks up his old sweetheart Beth (played by Langolis) from a mini plane, she looks like a prom queen on the runway all decked out in pearls and a pink dress. 

I wonder if Stegman and his Nazi pals ended up in purgatory too?

   The Nest is starting to stink like fake Jaws as they establish a tourist season and a self centered mayor, but just be patient, because the film evolves into its own. What are tourists flocking to see the fish-wacking ceremony? (in the beginning a banner advertises this event and it's never mentioned again thankfully).

   Oh shit! Wouldn't you know it, Beth is the mayors daughter! She left town to get away from the pressure and her old boyfriend Richard the cop is still pining for her affections. They eventually hook up and it turns out for the better.
 

Bug Schmucks Coming Soon to CBS

   This film starts off with an awkward sentimental tone but gets better as it progresses, I think it was overlooked at the time. To put it into perspective in 1988, you had tons of goodies to choose from like Beetlejuice, Child's Play, Hellraiser 2 and Phantasm 2. I guess The Nest just got eclipsed by the other films.

Looky here Grandpa does not suffer from erectile dysfunction

   The bugs love meat and supermarket supplies are dwindling, humans are definitely next! They start moving in fast and chomping on pets and old people. Beth, who kind of hates her father, takes her fanny pack and goes exploring in the forest which seems like a bad idea. She narrowly misses a bug attack that skeletonizes a German Shepard. A poor crazy old codger is the next victim, the bugs chew his arm off and eats him up quick.

   Everybody at the local diner is gossiping, man, do small towns suck! Homer, the self appointed pest control agent dresses like a party dog and wears Hawaiian shirts, he turns out to be useful during the last few minutes of the film.
 

Anti-Bugites

   Beth is out playing Nancy Drew and investigating but also taking a trip down memory lane, she bumps into giant sacks that look like testicles or those big cotton candy webs from Killer Clowns (which came out the same year). Dr. Hubbard, played by Terri Treas from the evil Intec corporation is pretty sexy and looks like she'd would work for Diana from V. Actually a few years later she ended up on another sci-fi series Alien Nation.

I'm totally getting off on self mutilation

   Dr Hubbard is one fucked up heartless bitch who uses an adorable kitty cat as bait for the big bugs! She's one sick fuck who gets off on animal suffering (don't worry though no animals were harmed and you can tell they're animatronic puppets). The special effects make-up by James M. Navarra are pretty gruesome, he only has a handful of credits for some reason like 976-EVIL. There's an odd Hong Kong connection in this film, the screenwriter Robert King wrote the storyline for Full Contact in 1993 and Jeff Winkless (I'm assuming he's related to the director) did voices for Lady Terminator and Vampire Hunter D.
   

All together now "When Irish Eyes are smurlling, HICCUP!!"

       

   I felt kinda sorry for Jake the fry cook/ janitor (Jack Collins) who gets eaten alive by bugs in a dumpster. There are a lot of opportunities for gratuitous nudity, but the tone is more goofy monster movie than sleazy. I kinda wanted it to be a combination, but The Nest is still a fun time and I enjoyed it, although a Lesbian scene between Dr. Hubbard and Beth couldn't have hurt.      

I can't believe I caught roaches instead of crabs

             
   The full on restaurant attack with them hopping on hamburger meat and into the deep fryer is an obvious but effective Creepshow homage. It turns out Dr Hubbard and the mayor are working together on the genetics for a super strain of powerful roaches and knew the bugs would eventually wreak major havoc. Speaking of roaches, this would make for a ludicrous stoner double bill with Joe's Apartment!

   The genetics extend beyond the roaches and this film has lots of surprises in store like a shotgun blast to a humanoid bug brain. This film borrows slightly from The Fly and The Thing but uses it effectively to its own advantage in a creative fashion. I like the use of purple lighting which reminded me of From Beyond. Scream Factory re-released this on Blu-Ray with commentary by the director and there's a rugged looked bleary looking version on Youtube, decide which one you want to sacrifice your eyeballs or your wallet!
 

This Merlot fountain will really spruce up my home office!

Arggh Look away I'm naked!

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The Female Vampire

The Female Vampire (Erotikill, Bare breasted Countess, The Loves of Irina) Directed By Jess Franco (1973). 

Lina Romay (Franco's main lady and protagonist) sure knows how to accessorize--I mean that Dracula cape, boots and belt-- is a fashion statement that could really turn heads this Halloween! So yeah-- Jess Franco, one of my least favorite directors is back here on TOG! Why may you ask am I bothering to review The Female Vampire, because in the catalog under the title Erotikill (which I fondly remember seeing as a big box at my favorite video/convenient store in Florida). Chas promises "spunk sucking vampire perverts", which sound as repulsive as you'd imagine. What obligated me to watch it, was that it's available on Netflix instant and its high time I subject myself to more Jess Franco torture (even thought I suffer from Franco-phobia)!

Aubrey Plaza in This Ain't Parks and Rec XXX.

   You can't ask for a better opening (pun intended) than a furry vampire lady crotch thrust into the camera--am I right? As inviting as those luscious lips may appear, whatever you do, don't let her suck your dick, because she will gnaw it off and you will instantly die!
  

   Erotikill, as it is called in the catalog or The Female Vampire is the tale of Irina, a bloodsucking lesbian mute connected to The Karnstein legacy. Carmilla by Sherdan Le Fanu is very influential on some of the most gore soaked and sexually explicit Hammer Films and Blood Spattered Bride (which I've previously reviewed). It's kind of silly how they spell it Karlstein with an "L", maybe they didn't get permission or something. Franco and Rollin basically owe their entire careers to that filthy little lesbian vampire novella and always draw from the same well. 

OK we're here for the audition Mr. Abrams

   Lina Romay has one fuzzy bikini line and doesn't wear pants for most of the film--excited? If I were a twelve year old discovering this on late night Skin-A-Max, I would be beside myself. I just imagine Franco peddled this movie to different lurid producers by pulling them aside and offering his wife's cooch as part of the deal and by the end of this flick, you may never want to see it again!

BURP....Why did I eat 40 hotpockets before this scene?

   Jess shows up in one of his famous cameo roles as an Inspector, for some reason his disheveled pudginess reminds me of a beatnik Paul Williams. He mentions how Countess Karlstein blew the chickenplucker and murdered him in that bizarre fashion.

Lina's fuzzy pussy is shown off so much, it should have gotten a separate acting credit! 

   Inspector Franco ventures to Maderia where a blind fellow who looks like a collegiate version of Lemmy from Motorhead helps him solve the mystery of the pantless crotch biter.

There's scene toward the end where he grabs a hairy handfull of squawk and solves the mystery right then and there. For a vampire flick, this is a drip dry bloodless affair. Even though there's barely a plotline, its oddly fascinating in its shear stupidity.

Get me my agent (says the vagina)!

   The Countess has a crush on her journalist friend Anna and begins to haunt her. Anna's body has pock marks and weird veiny nipples-its pretty gross! In fact the sex scene they both participate in is hideous (seminal fluid dribbles from Lina's mouth)!

   Sometimes the jazzy music sounds like Vincent Guaraldi- the Charlie Brown guy.

A John Holmes looking fellow played by Jack Taylor (Pieces, Conan The Barbarian), periodically shows up through out the film want to know the secrets of being a vampire. 

He gets that fatal crotch bite soon enough. 

   An abrupt scene with butch sadomasochists happens that doesn't really add much to the film (unless you like to see ugly women have gross sex). I've read that there exists a hardcore porn insert version, which I'd imagine projectile vomiting as soon as I popped the cassette into the VCR!

Pay no attention to those fart bubbles

   It all ends with the Countess taking a Bathory type red bath while bobbing her merkin up and down as the camera gynecologically zooms in and out. This movie is completely idiotic, very trashy, has no redeeming qualities and yet it still kind of works. I have no idea, why I enjoyed the film, its really dumb but I know Franco-philes will love it. It's reprehensible unabashed garbage! Watch it now before Netflix figures out they are carrying erotica. Fandor is aware of what they carry and is behind this kind of content, they are the cult film Netflix.

WATCH ON NETFLIX INSTANT

OR ON FANDOR

The Devil's Nightmare

 The Devil's Nightmare Directed By Jean Brismee, Starring Erika Blanc (1971).
 
During the month of Sept 2012 when I started this blog, I had just finished watching this  very special Gothic Italian horror film. My wife inspired me by saying "Hey you're watching everything on YouTube already why not review them and do something more creative".  That's when I got the idea to track down every film related to the Chas Balun catalog or Deep Red magazine and the rest is history. So this review has been in the works for some time now and even though it's more of a Mad Ron's Prevues From Hell pick (that legendary tape was purchased by way of Chas too). I am 98% certain it was featured in D.R. one way or another so it counts. 
I'm watching the Redemption version, which is the best quality one available and there are some muddy lookin copies out there. It has this awful Goth lesbian Elvira type segment before the film that is very cringe worthy, so lean on that fast forward button if you get this copy. 

 
   It starts off in Nazi Germany with some bomb footage as two elderly Nazis, await the birth of a child. Once he realizes the baby is a girl, he heartlessly stabs it with a huge knife (they show this in full detail and not off screen) and it's utterly repulsive! 

Very shocking even by today's standards

   Then it kicks off with a fuzz drenched psychedelic number by Alessandro Alessandroni that sounds like it would fit on a garage compilation like "30 seconds before the calico wall".
Years later the same Nazi who they now call the Baron (Jean Servais) lives in a creepy castle. I think this act of supreme cruelty has brought a curse on the house; this film is very Catholic and superstitious. A bunch of frowny faced tourists and one disgusting man with chicken pieces hanging out of his mouth encounter Satan, who in this is a spindly fellow in a field played by Daniel Emilfork. He looks like a cross breeding of Margaret Hamilton and Jack Skellington (just in time for Halloween). Emilfork is someone I fondly remember as Krank from City of Lost Children. A woman journalist is the first victim found with the mark of the devil burned on her arm and all the killings that follow are based on the 7 deadly sins.
The movie is very Bava-esque and has vibrant colors and gothic imagery, but is a lot more religious then you'd expect.    

I'm Jack the fancy new pumpkin king

   Erika Blanc who plays Lisa the succubus was also in Kill Baby Kill. She is an incredible shape shifting actress, her facial contortions are terrifying and reminiscent of Spencer Tracy's minimal make-up performance as Jekyll and Hyde. The makeup is subtle, but effective as Lisa goes from beautiful to cryptic with grey features and intense menacing eyes. Blanc is very attractive and was featured in Italian Playboy in the 70's (lately a lot of actresses in films we've reviewed have been popping up on that list). 

Succubi have feelings too

   In the haunted castle the travelers encounter some spooky shit and all die in cool creative ways. The butler with one bulging eyeball was the other Nazi from the opening scene, he mentions some kind of lie about the child's mother stabbing herself. This total bullshit, since we know what happened in the beginning and the butler is covering up the hideous murder. The mark of the devil is found in the priest's room, it looks like a lobster claw, in fact that's what cracked me up about the trailer, which showed a big-ass cartoon crustacean pincher.


 

pick up your drawn butter and claw crackers in the theater

    It's all a set up for Lisa the succubus who lives among the castle and each visitor represents the seven deadly sins. They will soon be punished in this ultra catholic punishment fantasy.
It starts off with two busty lesbians fornicating, one cheats on her lover with a man and the other is killed by a giant snake. Another character played by Lucien Raimbourg who smokes a pipe, looks like a non midget version of Billy Barty. 
They all sit down to dinner and the Baron mentions to them how there's a succubus in their midst and that his family legacy is doomed by a pact with Satan, the Billy Barty guy scoffs and says "Ha I'm an atheist"! 

Did I Do That? (in Urkle voice)

    Satan shows up later to collect his payment in the finale.
 Erika Blanc looks great in a sexy black skimpy dress. She's obviously not to be trusted and is that aforementioned sex demon in human form. 
She quickly tries to seduce the Father Alvin Sorel (Jacques Monseau) who remarks that he's still in school and has not yet a full fledged man of the cloth. Is his will power strong enough to resist the temptations of this she-demon, you'll have to see to find out.
     

I should never have done Game of Thrones cosplay

      

   Everyone is afraid to go to sleep and they prop chairs against their door knobs for security. Then dead cat's blood starts dripping from the ceiling on one of the lesbians.
The Priest sees buxotic visions of Lisa the succubus who wants to devour his soul among other things. When he rejects her advances she starts feeding the sloth (the guy on the bus shoving chicken into his face) and he chokes to death.
Everybody's out to milk this castle for all its worth: financially, sexually and through gluttony. One greedy woman sinks into a pit of gold in the basement.
There's a cool medieval torture chamber in the basement that's put to some use. An iron maiden and guillotine are utilized. It all ends in a final showdown between her and the priest and a warning not to eat and drive. Classic Gothic horror worth checking out!

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

Bill Maher as Alice Cooper

I heard Iron Maiden was here, where's Nicko McBrain?

Don't forget to tip your butlers

Don't drive and eat

The Trail

The Trail (Jui Gwai Chat Hung) Directed By Ronny Yu, Starring Kent Cheng (1983).

Here's a Golden Harvest epic directed by Ronny Yu that is not in the famed Deep Red Catalog, but it got such a high rating in the underground Hong Kong video trading circuit, that I paid Skunkape in grape hubba bubba (which is street level primo weed) to procure a copy for your benefit, we're just doing you readers a favor so don't forget to tip your dealer. 

   Yu is the now lame-o director who used to churn out magical shit like Bride with the White Hair, since then he took over the later Chucky sequels and Freddy Vs. Jason (try to scrub those out of your subconscious right now or you will get a preconceived opinion about his work)!

   I recommend viewing this slightly sober, because there's a rich tapestry of storyline that you may accidentally overlook. Ricky Hui and Kent "Fatty" Cheung (from Mr. Vampire and Run and Kill) show up at a village that shuts down very early for some odd reason. They play the Ennio Morricone score from John Carpenter's The Thing periodically throughout the film. 

Oh Shit, is that the Wicked Witch of the West with a flaming broom coming toward us?

   Meanwhile at a separate village, people are up late partying and singing songs. It's not all chow and fun as an evil Master played by Miao Tan forces a girl to strip naked as he drowns her boyfriend in a fish tank. 

   Captain (Kent) warns his buddy Ying (Lau) as they dine, not to eat too much because he might get hemorrhoids! They are both monks who get recruited to cure leprosy by a guy who resembles a monkey/catfish and the sadistic bastard who drowned his servant for perverted reasons. 

Blazing Saddles 2: A Fistful of Yen 

   They find a rag tag group of ner-do-wells and take a hike through a misty forest. One fat galoot in their crew named Bo (Cheng Fu-Hung) almost drowns in quicksand but gets rescued soon enough. There's "Indiana Jones" style boasting hijinks and comedic timing as they defeat some marauders in facepaint.  

We're both up for the role of Short Round

   Later on something sinister comes bubbling up from the swamp, it starts killing animals and people with lightning fast precision. After a few more slapstick scenes, the team figures out that a zombie (or Mummy) is responsible. Their methods to deal with it are strange to say the least, they are: yellow paper, a net and virgin urine! These weirdos make every boy in the village piss in a pot so they can use the pee to fight evil, lets see an American filmmaker take that bit of pedophilic weirdness to their Western Hong Kong remake! I actually would hate to see that happen!

Can you direct me toward the set of John Carpenter's The Fog?

   The creature hides in a spooky tower and they all wear garlic around their necks as they search. This is the first time I've seen garlic used to ward off a monster in any HK film, so it's slightly unusual. They don't even bring it to a fight in any of the hopping vampire films.

The syrupy looking dribbling beast quickly shows up and picks up a huge pig, draining it like a chili dog. It nearly kills Fatty, but he somersaults off the ledge and falls into a net on the ground.

  The next day, they return to the castle for more "Temple of Doom-ish/ Golden Child" type shenanigans. The monster is shown mostly by way of shadows, with only that pustule arm sticking up. 

Oh man I love those Chinatown knock-off light sabers

Fatty and his pals are totally fucked, that is until they find a helpful wizard with an eyepatch. This film has no sympathy for its dying characters and once they're gone, the other people have no reaction or use it as a slapstick device! 

   The evil Master who drowned that innocent man in the fish tank from the beginning, takes over as the villain during the last 10 minutes. It turns out he's somehow responsible for the zombie's trail of vengeance. Maybe that's why it's called the trail, who knows?

Can you please cover my anus/face with Tucks medicated pads?

  When they finally show the Mummy's face it looks like a gaggle of hemorrhoids with long hair, bleccchhhhhh. Make sure you stick around for a surprise Exorcist joke that's a really howler!

The Trail is a little shaky, inept but a lot of fun and very original, I think it's worth seeking out.

NO LINK

Yogurt the wise? No, Don't make a fuss, I'm just plain ole Chinese Yogurt!