Kris Gilpin's Unearthed Works: M 3-D THE MOVIE

This was originally printed in Subhuman, an incredible zine created by Cecil Doyle, which Kris frequently wrote for and thanks to Greg Goodsell, here comes another edition of "The Unearthed Works of KG". Apparently all of the back issues were bought up by Lux Interior of The Cramps for a hefty sum and have been kept out of the public eye, until now. More to be transcribed, dusted off and re-animated later, stay tuned! 

There was a long line standing outside the Nuart "art" theatre at Midnight waiting to see the world's first 3-D hardcore porn epic, M3-D! The Movie, which was bering shown in "Deep-vision". "You'll duck when John Holmes cums on screen!" proclaimed the lurid flyers and ad mats (which of course. LA's mainstream newspapers refused to run). Directed by "Norm DePlume" (chuckle), this was also hyped with the legend, "Scene you'll never see on MTV!"

   MTV should sue. This piece of grunt has not a thing in common with the musical cable channel; the distributors apparently simply ripped off their call letters in hope of attracting (and duping) a youthful crowd.

   The glasses which were handed out were the better kind, sporting red and blue lenses instead of the inferior, uniformly grey ones. It was a decent crowd for a Midnight show (the theatre had just shown a double bill of Manhattan and The Apartment). Since Subhuman (or TOG) is not afraid to stoop to the lowest level of human degradation (and since I have always enjoyed the pure-schlock, William Castle-ish gimmick of cinematic 3-D), I donned the cellophane spectacles and hoped for Cody Nicole inside.

Does this chair make my ass look fat?

   The first tip-off came right at the start when the film began with a title card M3-D! The Movie, which had been spliced into the front of the print. Next came names like John Seeman and Bill Margold, people who haven't made fuck films in years, which meant that this movie (I know not its original title) is actually somewhere around 15 years old. It was however, originally shot in the three-dimensional process, though the photography was gaudy and washed-out, making it look almost like a black & white movie. The disturb hadn't even bothered to strike a fresh print, and this one was full of tape splices. The credits listed "Ann Nonymus" as a co-writer, The Lucious Lickers as composers (Available on scratchy 78s") and they'd even spelled John "Holms" name incorrectly.

Sadly, the popsicle twins didn't make an appearance

   With a dipshit musical theme ("La-la-la-la-laaaaa!"), the story skips all over the screen, beginning with three Roman assholes bouncing on a trampoline (the first stupid 3-D effects in the film). The funniest line in the whole flick comes after one of these stooges kicks a large fruit on the ground ("Oh Melon of Troy!"), and why was it they'd have people act like total schmucks (complete with embarrassing overacting) in the name of "comedy" for these early shitters? Were they making slime for readers of Hustler of Highlights? We then cut abruptly to the Dandy Candy Co. (run by a guy who keeps forgetting his bogus British accent and his assistant named Miss Breastworthy), which is given seven days to save itself from eviction. They are saved when some liquid drips on a bunch of lollipops which,when licked give folks the horn. Meanwhile, the three dolls pop in and out of the picture, saying they are looking for "the Fellatio Mines".

I want my STD!

   The audience was at first dumbfounded, as usual, then soon began laughing at the film (as opposes to with it);some guys in the audience were getting drunk on something and started hooting at the action on-screen. During the most effective 3-D cum shot, someone yelled, "Run for your lives!!!"

And all went apeshit when the infamous Johnny Wadd mounted some poor girl ("It's Alive!!" "Eat it!!" "Cornhole!!")

   The dialogue was along the lines of: "They're suckers for those lollipops!" (She: "I love wine; on the other hand, port makes me fart") And, "Gee, Wilbur you know you don't need a lolly to score with me". The uninspired 3-D FX included nets, wooden boards, record albums, brooms, mailing envelopes, eggs, telephones and even garbage being thrust in front of the camera lens.

ARGGGHHHHH, I cannot unsee so many revolting pairs of genitals!

   Typical boredom set in half-way through this cum flick, and I heard a couple behind me say "What the fuck are we doing here at 1 A.M.?!" They spent the remainder of the movie guessing who they thought on screen were now dying of AIDS.

   We had all been lured in by the ad, which was much more effective than any "effect" they pooted out in the film. So beware won't you?

  Suckered again!

So Ya feel cheated by a shitty 70's porn do ya, what did you expect?