Zombie 4: After Death

Zombie 4 After Death Directed By Claudio Fragasso, starring Jeff Stryker (1989)

OK, It's been a long hiatus or breather away from yet another Zombie sequel, why you may ask? Because Zombie 4 was so awful, it took a few months for me to scrub it out of my brain. Chas claims it has superior production values and was a personal favorite of his. I mean we all have our vices, some people still love Hot Pockets even though they are basically horse flesh diarrhea bombs wrapped in dough! 

   I won't condemn the man, he's a hero of mine so the only explanation I have for this slip up, was that somehow Claudio Fragasso intercepted the typewriter and over sold it in order to raise enough cash to fund his next project! I'm not sure who was sniffing glue that day (or dropping Orange Sunshine), but you couldn't huff enough paint thinner to make this refried tepid zombie flick mildly enjoyable!

What did I Ron Jeremy's lesser successful bro ever do to you?

   I didn't believe ole Skunkape when he told me it had Jeff Stryker in it, after just listening to a Rialto Report podcast that featured him. Because he never mentioned working with "Mr. Troll 2" at all, I mean don't tell me he's less ashamed of his gay porn career then his brief stint as a horror actor! I won't stand for it! 

Oh No! My lantern jaw locked up again!

   Ok I realize I'm over doing it, this wasn't the worst thing I'd ever watched not by a longshot (speaking of that Paul Bartel/ Tim Conway turd, that wins for "the worst of all time"). It's close, I'm pretty desensitized to bad cinema, this one still sucks though.

   Fulci had long since passed and anyone involved with the original Zombie had moved on, so in order to reanimate the crustal smoking husk of the undead for another round, Fragasso had to keep churning them out. His style is more akin to an assembly line of sausages filled with vermin and pink slime than a genuine film maker in my opinion. Leave your brain at home all you want, there's zero fun to be had in this atrocity.

Taste the rainbow

   It opens with a hooded African priest down to some Petey Wheatstraw/Screamin Jay Hawkins type bad mojo where pink laser beams slide down your throat and turn you into a drooling Cro-Magnon like demon. A little girl's parents are eaten by what looks like those hooded albinos from The Omega Man and later on, as an adult she returns to the island. She brings along Jeff Stryker, Rick Astley, Robert Kerman and Some bearded dude who looks like a roadie for Whitesnake. Remember folks any resemblance to celebrities living or dead is purely coincidental! Stryker of course is the real king of 80's gay porn, who, I'm guessing, wanted to branch out and jump on the Fragasso dumpster to kitchey horror success. I couldn't find any lurid reasons he's in this, which makes no sense (maybe google is broken).

Stanley from The Office's new job

   There's a lot of sight seeing and filler among the zombie attacks, which come up pretty fast (and of course no one knows how to deal with the undead).  
The shitty somnambulists resemble the ones from Erotic Nights, which I will always think of as sand people who overdosed on Nyquil. There's hardly a script, just sweaty people running around with guns that get chomped on and die next to some medical supply boxes. Why doesn't somebody crack one open and operate? I'd say that they were trying to tank the Zombie series into oblivion but there are more to come! I highly doubt I'll be visiting any of those in the future! 

Bud in the can, I'm never gonna give you up

I need to find a reasonably priced orthodontist

We're back and Oh so sleepy

I don't know why you are in such ecstasy and it concerns me

Can't you see that I love you!

And I love you bro!