New York Ripper

"New York Ripper" AKA "Lo Squartatore Di New York" (1982)

Directed by: Lucio Fulci

Starring: Jack Hedley, Howard Ross, Almanta Keller, Andrea Occhipinti

SPOILER ALERT!

This is the more straight forward, Giallo version of Lucio Fulci. This is basically his version of Lustig's "Maniac" (1980) with some "Cruising" (1981) mixed in for more perversion and maybe even a little "Dressed To Kill". I'm not a Fulci expert, but so far this is his most sexually deranged film of his that I've seen. That seemed to be the climate in New York City at the time, the late 1970s- early 1980s. A great reference on this is the Legs McNeil book, "The Other Hollywood", which talks about various sex clubs such as Show World and Plato's Retreat that "Ripper" seems to take reference from. The admittedly, fucked up sounding duck quacking voice is so silly it's insanely unnerving. Especially in the Italian language version I saw; a duck shouting in Italian about murdering girls? Yikes! It's like a cross between Donald Duck and the crazed anti-abortion boyfriend from Bob Clark's "Black Christmas". The killer even quacks as loud as they can during the killings, almost competing at volume with their victims. 

I expected the film to be much more vicious because there's many claims that heighten its gore content. Such as video boxes proclaiming that is Fulci's "Most Brutal" and "Controversial" (HorrorDVDs.com). I'm willing to bet this is because of its strong sexual content which always makes people squirm. It could also be that this killer is supposed to be a real person, so of course that makes him all the more frightening. This film definitely isn't for your casual movie watcher, but fans of the genre will appreciate this movie's ways of slashing its characters. I've been trying to guess the "Ripper", but have no idea who they are. Is it the chess playing psychologist helping the cops? Is it the sex obsessed wife? The guy with two fingers missing? Thankfully this movie isn't completely incoherent like many of Fulci's movies. The ending just sorta comes together very quickly. As far as I could tell, there weren't any telltale signs on how things were going to end up. They tie off pretty much all the important plot points and even explain the disturbing duck noises. The ending makes the killer have more dimension to his character, not completely one sided, not without any kind of feeling. That definitely makes him more believable as opposed to when we're first introduced to his strange senseless nature. 

You could easily attribute this movie to vicious violence against women. The killer seems to always slash their breasts and over their stomach where their uterus lies. In the end of the film, it does all tie together, but it could easily be mistranslated by those sensitive to those issues. Especially in the case of Jane (the nymphomaniac wife) who goes to great lengths to get off. She's humiliated in a scene involving "silver toes" in a pool hall (there's a bunch of kool pinball machines in the background) and then later maimed from her foolish decision to sleep with a random two fingered man who may or not have done it. I can't explain all the psychological meanderings on the subject because I'd feel like I was writing a term paper. To write off a horror movie as misogynist can be a cop out and also a hard pill to swallow. You just have to remember that it's fiction and not take it so seriously. I haven't read any other reviews yet (I try not to so I can form my own opinion), but I wouldn't be surprised if it was pegged as such.

You can watch "New York Ripper" online HERE.

And buy it HERE

There used to be an active link to the soundtrack over at this blog, but that has changed since the downfall of Megaupload. It even included the weird pseudo-punk rock song played in the porno house, possibly called "A Kind Of Misery". 

I created a couple of one inch buttons to compliment this review. If you're interested in one, they're $1.50 plus shipping. You can email me HERE. 

Grave Of The Vampire

Grave Of The Vampire Directed by John Hayes. Starring William Smith (1972).

   This flick has a treasure trove of B-movie heavy weights and celebrities that even if you think it sucks (pun intended) you gotta respect it for what it is, a decent, but schlocky fun time!

   It's got burly William Smith (Invasion Of The Bee Girls, Fast Company) and Michael Pataki (or better known to TOG readers as George "Liquor" American and the director of Mansion Of The Doomed). It's also  an early David Chase (The Sopranos) written story based on his book. It's unlikely that Grave Of The Vampire will get the same New Jersey royally treatment that everything else Chase related gets, although it may not be just a coincidence that Dan Grimaldi of Don't Answer The Phone ended up on the show years later. What is this 7 degrees of separation with Tony Soprano? fuggettaboutit! (R.I.P. James Gandolfini)

   Pataki is a gruesome site as an imposing giant thick faced "rapist" vampire. That's right folks, you heard correctly! Caleb Croft is a sexual deviant vampire that hides out and waits to hump whoever reaches his cemetery. For other films about horny beasts impregnating girls see (The Beast Within and Humanoids From The Deep).

this hangover sucks

   One night he feeds on a couple parked out in the cemetery and the rape victim gets pregnant with his parasitic spawn.

   Instead of breast milk, the mother soon discovers it prefers the taste of hot pulsating arteries. Baby James grows up as his mother wastes away (maybe she should have robbed a blood bank) and seeks vengeance at the College that the vampire now teaches at. Croft is a part time teacher with a popular class on mythology. He goes by a new identity, but James is there with intent to destroy him. In class, father and son get into an angry debate about the teacher's real identity while discussing Croft’s vampire alias' in New England.

You'd think that with all the time James has spent searching and following his evil father, he's have some crosses, stakes or garlic. None of these Hammer Film staples are represented! Actually later on they used a staircase piece as a stake, but still!

   I watched this when it was streaming on Netflix and the quality is much better than all the shitty versions on Youtube (sorry to bash them again)!

you look like a foxy Chia Pet

    All the women in this movie have that frumpled 70’s Florence Henderson mom look (sharp cheekbones, dykey haircuts). The most unpleasant part for me as a library worker is how he strangles this one librarian after closing time.

   The girl that James ends up with, has the haircut of the lesbian secretary on The Beverly Hillbillies (Yeeaasshhhh). The pacing moves pretty quickly and it's got some filler, but a small amount. There's a good father son fight at the end, but no Dracula killing supplies to be seen. With Chase involved you'd think there'd be some garlic rolls or marinara used as weapons. Slightly Recommended!

Make sure to watch the restored DVD and not the fuzzy, washed out monstrosity available online, your eyeballs will thank you.

you could do better son

Let me outta here I got real babes waitin in Invasion Of The Bee Girls

The Mad Bomber

The Mad Bomber (Police Connection) Directed By Bert I. Gordon, starring Chuck Conners (1973)

I'm familiar with Bert I. Gordon through his work on Village Of The Giants (where the Beau Brummels and Beau Bridges danced with a giant duck) and Food Of The Gods (Where giant chickens and rats devoured humans), but this is the sleaziest most demented film he's ever made, it's astoundingly fun!

   When William Dorn (Chuck Connors from Tourist Trap, Soylent Green) isn't enforcing the code of "Woodsy the Owl" (Give a Hoot Don't Pollute)! he's scoping out high schools and detonating them with homemade time bombs.

time bomb high school

   Some unknown stalker sneaks into a mental hospital, rapes a patient (with a weird doll in hand) and firebombs the building as cartoon sparks fly around. Later on we find the city is crawling with two breeds of predators--rapists and terrorists, welcome to the 70's! (sadly things haven't changed much).

   This assault triggers a man hunt, once detectives get wind of the acts of terrorism. The police use giant 70's Willy Wonka computer technology and investigate "all nude" strip clubs for answers. 

I come for the naked girls, but stay for the free buffet

   Apparently in 1973 to defuse bombs, they send one lone cop in a cheap suit and a gun. This isn't just any cop though, it's a hard assed lieutenant named Geronimo Minnelli! Geronimo (played by Vince Edwards) is the sort of cop that breaks necks and asks questions later, he's never heard of civil rights and if anyone brings them up he gets pissed. 

   Dorn is so stingy and conservative, most sociopaths are, as he stringently lectures people at the grocery store, a diner and out on the streets. He carries a gargantuan grudge against society and wants to punish everyone for his junkie daughter's death.

I'm waiting for my Moons Over My Hammy breakfast

   Neville Brand (Eaten Alive, The Ninth Configuration) shows up as a rapist and defiles a girl in a car, then chases her through the woods. (the lighting is really dark in the uncut version).  

   Then later, Dorn brings a bomb to a women's lib luncheonette and detonates it. Hookers slowly crawl through parking lots as "Laugh In" style music plays for a police sting to nab the rapist loose in the city.  

George Fromley (Brand), the sexual degenerate won't cooperate with the police and says his name over and over to piss them off. Dorn writes threatening "Zodiac killer" type letters to the police. The cop wants to blow his brains out and strong arms Fromley into helping him find the "Mad Bomber" (Chuck Connors). They use some of the most primitive high school AV equipment for police caricature sketches, but it actually works.

George Fromley is a snitch

Working with the police doesn't bode well for Fromley and he gets blown up while jerking off to stag films! Highly recommended! 

        This is a Kris Gilpin inspired pick and there are two versions on Youtube (this one is uncut). Thanks for mentioning this awesome movie Kris! Beware of the edited version and watch the uncut version only (there's a major difference in violence and sexual content)! The most criminally offensive example of uncut verses neutered, I can give in relation to this film is the butchered version of Once Upon A Time In America (the cut version is worthless). I cannot stress enough to watch the uncut version only, because I compared the two and most of the sleaze has been excised. The film quality is Trapper John M.D.-esque (or Ben Casey which starred Vince Edwards, but I have no reference point and never saw the show) and just like my other favorite TV movie gone sadistic The Toolbox Murders, it's a total blast (literally)!

Did a cow shit in here?

I died doin what I love, Yankin my crank!

WATCH HERE 

OR BUY HERE

The Grave Robbers

The Grave Robbers (The Tomb Sackers, Ladrones De Tumbas) Directed By Ruben Galindo Jr. (1990)
   Mexico has it's horror/natural distaster/survivalist auteur with a "Jr." at the end (Rene Cardona Jr.), does it really need another? Not really, but this film is alot more fun if you let it into your heart and give it a chance. According to the Deep Red catalog "it's a crypt kickin south of the border splatter fest". Let's see what TOG has to say.
   The beginning song sounds like "we will fall" by the Stooges or stoned monks chanting.

A satanic ritual is a foot as a sweaty flat-nosed executioner (who sort of looks like a beefy version of Dominic West from The Wire) is antagonizing a screaming woman chained to the floor. Apparently he wants to use her to birth the Antichrist, but instead is caught and put on the rack for crimes of devil worship. He is killed with a hatchet that must never be removed or he will return from the grave and crack open a case of Tecate!

   Before he dies however, he swears that Satan will have his back and offer him the power to seek vengeance. The screaming in Grave Robbers is over the top and loud as hell, at the same decible as chimps mating I'd imagine, (take some excedrine before you watch this)!

   Next we are thrown into present day 1990's Mexico as banditos practice shooting. Everyone is dressed like either Madonna or Menudo (the fashion trends are a few decades behind). A pickup truck full of babes and dudes decked out in denim and headbands are planning on robbing graves (to justify the title).

   Rebeca (Erika Buenfil) stupidly falls into an endless cavern beneath an exhumed corpse and Manolo ventures down into sudden death after her. They end up finding a mausoleum and have the attitude of "fuck these corpses, let's rob them blind". "No respect at all" to quote Rodney Dangerfield!

  Manolo (Ernesto Laguardia) justifies their desecration of the dead by proclaiming him and his pals as Archeologists. They all want to get rich by robbing graves (a typical teenage thing way to think right)? I mean Hey It's The 90's!

Rico Suave with a PHD

      They find an amulet stuck on the corpse of the warlock from the beginning in a crypt and he emerges from a fiery pit to seek vengeance. The teens make it out of the graveyard, but it seems that the satanic monk is out chopping up random guys in ponchos on horses. 

     The premise is just like any other generic slasher movie, except it's Mexican and has an axe wielding monk. El Capitan rounds up all the kids and beat on them until they admit they are "Tomb Sackers"! (What the fuck is that? wait a minute! I'm watching the wrong movie)!
Anyway that's the first I've ever heard of that ridiculous term! The girl's have strategic dirt patterns on their face and noses (they had more in the budget for blood effects then beauty makeup). The monk is still out reaking havoc, now that he's loose in the forest and murders a new group of female characters. 

     The story takes a long while to return to the religious aspect from the beginning, but O' Capitan finds a priest to solve the mystery. I actually wanted more demonic possession battling then tedious Friday the 13th bullshit.

Hey, did you know something's wrong with your hand?

   Something very gruesome and unexpected happens in the prison, one dude's intestines pop out and a hand comes out of the wall, while all the kids are locked up (they stole a little from Nightmare on Elm Street in a more retarded way)! There's a fake Necronomicon too.

This always happens when I eat Taco Bell!

    Soon the undead monk is back to his old rituals and finds a new girl to deliver the incubus. Will he succeed? There's no reason to see The Grave Robbers, but it's a riot and even though it rips from alot of flicks, it's got enough shamelessness to make it entertaining and it has a catchy post punky soundtrack. My favorite part about the whole film is the big reveal at the end, when they show what the evil monk looks like now, the years have not been kind to him. Just picture the famous cover model (actor Ottaviano Dell' Acqua) on all the box covers of Fulci's Zombie with a bad toupee and yogurt pouring out of his mouth! Slightly Recommend!

Strange Behavior

Strange Behavior (Dead Kids) Directed by Michael Laughlin. Starring Dan Shor (1981).
   Dan Shor is one of those lesser known character actors that people have seen, but don't remember were from. He played Ram in Tron, the village idiot who only wants to "Shake Hands with Gonga The Gorilla" in Wiseblood and later Billy The Kid in Bill & Ted's Excellant Adventure. He's most likely to be interviewed about his cult movie career in Shock Cinema and does an excellant job as the goofy, but likeable victim Pete Brady. His father played by Michael Murphy (of Phase IV and Cloak & Dagger) is connected to Dr. LeSange (Arthur Dignam) a mad scientist with an experimental lab that uses mind control on broke college kids. The Doctor is projected on a monitor (similar to Brian Oblivion in VideoDrome) and is allegedly dead, but still seems to communicate beyond the grave.

1980's Dharma Initiative

  There are alot of character actors in Strange Behavior, like Dey Young (Kate Rambo from Rocknroll High School), Scott Brady (Lawrence Tierney's brother), Louise Fletcher (Nurse Ratched) and Jimmy Olsen from Superman (Marc Mclure) in a Tor Johnson mask armed with a butcher knife.
   Ollie (Mcclure) convinces Pete that turning himself into a human guinea pig, equals fast cash. Pete desperately wants to pay for this Ivy League school that accepted him, so he takes this stupid approach.
   Fiona Lewis (who I first read about in Fangoria in an interview for this film) is a sexy nurse armed with a giant needle ready to stick in your eye socket. The flirty nurse, suckers future unsuspecting programmed killers into the Dr.'s office. The first example of mind control is conducted on a chicken wearing a robot helmet (things that seem ridiculous at first, soon turn lethal).

eye torture gives me the giggles

   Ollie and Pete go to a Halloween kegger, as kids dressed like Pippi Longstocking and Batman & Robin do synchronized dancing to Lou Christie's "Lightning Strikes" (a song I normally find horrendous, but it works here)! There's some semi-punk tunes to pad out the soundtrack by The Pop Mechanix and The Birthday Party, also Tangerine Dream does the ominous and yet somehow cornball score.

Tor want guts instead of Swedish Meatballs tonight

   The party soon turns deadly as Jimmy Olsen puts on a Tor Johnson mask and repeatedly stabs a fat guy in the neck!
   The contrast from goofy to psychotic caught me off guard. Later on, when any of these kids attack they have no recollection of any wrong doing, making them victims. Strangely enough, towards the end, none of them are ever prosecuted.
   Dey Young (Kate Rambo) the secretary at the corrupt lab ends up going out with Pete, she enjoys liver and puts out on the first date.
   Scott Brady (Lawrence Tierney's real life brother) plays a homicide detective adding a third to the two person police station (that's reminiscent of the same one in JAWS). Everyone in this suburb of Illinois (which was actually filmed in New Zealand and this film is often categorized as Ozploitation) is counting on John Brady (Michael Murphy) to solve these random slayings. It's a high pressure situation that personally involves him and his deceased wife. The first time I saw Michael Murphy was in Cloak and Dagger as the guy trying to obliterate Henry Thomas' kneecaps with a machine gun over an Atari cartridge, so I know he's not fucking around!

Gimme my Cloak and Dagger tape or suffer

  Random kids show up periodically and stab their parents and it's effectively shocking, but the "strange behavior" is mainly centered around The Brady's (I realize how awkward that sounds, anyone seen Cousin Oliver? or Alice the maid)!
   So, don't expect a horde of mindless zombie kids to show up to seek revenge on the lab. Pete is strapped to a chair and has his eye socket stuck with a giant needle by the nurse. The first sign that the drug has taken effect, happens at Steak & Shake (thankfully he doesn't eat there)! The conspiracy starts to totally unravel as Fiona Lewis and Dr. Lesange pit son against father in a final showdown. Strangest of all, the film somehow ends on a positive note! Screenwriter Bill Condon went onto write big budget projects (like Dream Girls and Gods & Monsters), but don't let that discourage you from seeing this film, it's an underrated classic! The original plan for Condon and Laughlin was to create a trilogy, but Strange Invaders (1983) was so viciously panned that they aborted the project all together! This film has a certain quality of camp and seriousness that makes it seem more vital than it should be for a first effort. It's available to stream via Fandor.com
 

I require B-12 and some orange slices

Tor like orange slices

WATCH HERE

Blood Mania

Blood Mania Directed By Robert O' Neil. Starring Peter Carpenter (1970)
Psychotronic Video once described this flick as "Lousy Trash", so you know I am obligated to watch it and its also in the Deep Red catalog. The ads for this were very memorable (see below) it had a fanged lady with mussed hair holding a bloody butcher knife on a double drive-in bill with Blood Lust (which makes me think of the Venom song-- Mantis hit those guitar strings)!!! This movie is like the Spinal Tap quote "It's treading water on a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry"!

   The film opens with a stripper that has the face of the old women corpse in the "Drop Of Water" segment from Mario Bava's Black Sabbath. Immediately, we are stuck in a psychedelic nightmare fueled freakout during the credits (silent screams, primary colored lighting, weird faces). It's too intriguing to be ignored!
   Victoria's father, Ridgeley Waterman is sick in his craft-matic adjustable bed. Wacka Wacka guitar plays, as Vicky strips and runs around the pool (scaring the Beejesus out of a stupid neighborhood teen).

Lordy, it's a vagina

   Dutch Cooper (Peter Carpenter, who was in Russ Meyer's Vixen) is a mutton chops rock star doctor who doesn't appreciate his sexy redhead girlfriend always waiting for him in a marble tub, he's that jaded! The production design of thriftstore nic nacs, gaudy furniture and gothic shadows make this film a total blast!
    Another doctor (Arell Blanton) tries to blackmail Dutch with two dollar words like "unity", the dialogue in this is priceless! Translation: he needs to pay him lip service because of a back alley abortion he performed, while broke in Med school (which according to Blood Mania) is some heavy shit!
    Vicky played by Maria De Aragon, drugs the doctor into a trippy sex scene with poppers and they form a devious plan to get the money to bail Dutch out of his sticky, blackmail situation. 

Enchanted nipples on a sensitive evening

   Blood Mania makes Doctors seem like lecherous pigs who cheat like its going out of style! Cooper freaks out after Vicky reveals that she murdered for him.
It doesn't take long for her to bait him with sex, making the stupid idiot powerless to stop her. Moe Green (Alex Rocco) shows up in a cameo as the will reader. Vicky's father is poisoned (he gets up from his bed and looks like they put clown makeup on him)!

I ate too many pistachio nuts

    Then things get all wonky as Vicky doesn't get the inheritance money (apparently she's a rich heiress). After she has a conniption fit, Dutch kind of ditches her for her hotter sister Cherly (Reagan Wilson) and they high tail it to a Ren Fest/ Mime convention (as far as I can describe this wierd scene)!!
   Most of the actresses in this, have that monotone way of speak reading (like a 70's soap opera).It's almost totally drip-dry bloodless, but is hysterically fascinating and I was never bored because there's alot of naked females, back stabbing and word to the wise (don't ever fall asleep around anyone in this flick, because someone will dope you up)! 
   The ending didn't really gell together for me, just chalk it up to weak writing. If you appreciate campy junk like I do, there's a nice amount of eye candy to latch onto, but if you are hoping for a bloodbath, look elsewhere, you will be disappointed.
   I seriously hope this is true, but there's alot of bullshit floating around on IMDb, according to them, Maria De Aragon who played the perpetually stoned, heavy eye lidded psycho Vicky is non other than Greedo from Star Wars in an uncredited role!
She signs autographs from time to time as this character and here's proof!   

   The director later on made one of my favorite slimebag Hollywood Blvd flicks Angel. As you ponder, "Do I really want to see Greedo's giant hooters?" Slap yourself in the head for not responding to yourself "Of course I do!" 

Ok, so Solo shot first right?

WATCH HERE
or BUY
 

The Curse

The Curse Directed By David Keith Starring Wil Weaton (1987)

   Here's a lost flick that's based on an HP Lovecraft story, "The Colour Of Space", produced by Ovidio Assonitus (king of the rip offs) and Lucio Fulci (Italian king of the zombies). It's directed by actor David Keith, who I remember from such roles as of the father in Firestarter and The White Of The Eye (a very disappointing boring serial killer art film by Donald Cammell). 

   A man is hunted down by police and tossed in a squad car, where he screams "It's In The Water"! to all the suburbanites as they wash their cars and drink from hoses, but it all may be too late.

   Meanwhile on a farm in Tennessee, Wil Weaton is taking some shit (literally pig shit)! from his older fat ass brother Cyrus (played by Malcolm Danare, the dick grabbing, cross eyed lard ass from Christine). His family is a fire and brimstone evangelical bunch led by Nathan (Claude Akins). Nathan has got that Night Of The Hunter style extreme religious iron authority and makes his wife feel like shit for trying to make sexual advances on him.

   Zach (Wil Weaton) wakes up in the middle of the night to see an explosive (and cheap looking) meteor hit the ground. This movie has a bunch of Mama's Family style yokels hanging around. A bossy loud mouthed reporter bullies the country doctor/ scientist into cracking open the meteor and possibly turning it into a sideshow attraction. I hear there are tons of maggots in the film, (with Fulci in charge, you'd think he brings in pockets full of larvae and mealworms)! However, there's a minmal amount of gore. 

   All the barnyard animals start lapping up the meteor contaminated water in the blink of an eye (let's hope nothing Wild Beasts related occurs)! The vegetables start rotting first and are full of maggots. There's a chicken attack scene, horses start acting out and neighborhood dogs go ape shit! Eventually people start lashing out and busting out into sores and vomiting then John Schneider from the Dukes Of Hazard shows up for literally 1 minute. The mother grows Lemmy moles on her cheek and has the urge to kill random people.   

   Nathan being the religious wacko, is in complete denial about himself and everyone else! The mother gets really bad and looks like she's wearing a colostomy bag on her face and has claws, they keep her in the cellar but she keeps finding her way out!  

A slithering mutant shows up at the end (or is it just John Schneider again)? I couldn't tell the video I watched on Youtube was very dark!

    It takes a long while for the effects to start hitting the people, and The Curse has too much country cracker-barrel bullshit for an H.P. Lovecraft story. I can understand why its only on VHS dupes, it's pretty weak. 

Thanks to Kris Gilpin for sparking my interest in this film and I know he's not responsible if the film is terrible so I don't blame him. Like Tenacious D said "Blame The Art, Not The Artist".
Here's a great review from The VideoJunkies (they liked it more than I did).

The Dark Star beachball lands on Earth

Claude Akins undead Republican party 2019

Hi I'm Adam Rich, welcome to Man Vomits Food

The Visitor

The Visitor Directed By Giulio Paradisi Starring Paige Conner (1979)

   Ovidio Assonitis, the king of all ripoffs wrote this film. The description of his former job as an Egyptian caterer on IMDb sounds like he's the original Fuad Ramses (care for an Egyptian feast)? He's worked with a lot of heavyweights in the industry as a Cannon producer of tons of dreck like Tentacles, Beyond The Door and Lambada, the fact that he's successfully made a career out of plagiarizing plot points and reinserting them into other films that basically add up to headache collages, is a triumph in itself and I respect the shamelessness!

Ovidio just exudes sleaze

   The score by Franco Micalizzi really outshines the film, but its appallingly confusing to me how many stars were clamoring to be in on this sinking ship of Pong and demonic conspiracies. Katy Collins, is an alien girl from a snowy planet (Hoth)? in a Farrah Fawcett hairdo is being watched over by ominous voices and John Huston in a wizard cloak.

The next Electric Wizard album cover

   The film takes us over the red hills of Mars to a basket ball game with Lance Henriksen and exploding slam-dunks. Joanne Nail (who I'll always remember as Maggie from Switchblade Sisters) plays Katy's young sexy mom.

I wasn't this abused in Switchblade Sisters

   Huston presides over a bunch of skinheads on a rooftop, this movie is setting up a lot of oddities, which will most likely taper off and its counting on the fact that you will hopefully not remember them. Mel Ferrer, the king of all cannibal and exploitation bit parts shows up as an executive who's involved in The Visitor conspiracy.

    Apparently Barbara (Joanne Nail) has a magical womb that produces super children, however she’s not quick enough to escape a tiny alien girl slaming her face into an aquarium! Katy receives a loaded gun for her birthday that accidentally goes off and paralyzes her mother, but it seems all part of the Visitor conspiracy (just wait.. it will all make sense, fingers crossed)!

   Jake (Glenn Ford) investigates the accentual/ possibly intentional shooting. Then Shelley Winters shows up as a housekeeper with caged birds, that believes in intergalactic bullshit. According to Paige Conner in the Code Red making of documentary Shelley actually slapped the shit out of her!!! You gotta wonder with all the desperate star power involved, were they all paid in booze?

   Ford shows up at Katy’s elementary school and she tells him to fuck off (according to IMDB, the actress was no Linda Blair and felt awkward having to swear at adults). Meanwhile John Huston is still on the roof with his skinhead army as Katy's evil bird latches onto Jake's face and pulls his eyeball out! and he explodes in a carwreck.

(SPOILER ALERT)!

   Then after a nice day at the mall, Katy hits the ice skating rink and tears the living shit out of a couple of dudes in Osmond bowl haircuts, sailing one through a jagged glass window. Huston finally makes his way to Katy's family residence and his name is Jerzy Coleslaw? (no wait it's Jerzy Colsowicz! same difference)! Coleslaw is an alien wizard guardian from a distant snow planet who shows up to play Pong on a giant TV screen. I get the feeling if this film weren't a giant dud they would have commissioned a TV series (I mean they gave the green light to a lot of questionable bullshit during the 70's)! The film quality looks like an smaltzy perfume ad.

care for a game of face eating hawk Pong?

   Sam Peckinpah shows up as an abortion doctor (and you could blink and miss him, he was also dubbed). Barbara's car breakdown and aliens show up and take her away for an anal probe.

   Later on Katy's giant bird attacks her in the house (and even knows how to turn doorknobs)! The Visitor is a total incoherent mess, that's oddly entertaining (I feel like I've tacked that onto a lot of reviews)! It all ends with a bunch of bald midgets and Franco Nero? as a Jesus like figure in a spaghetti wig. It took me a few times to watch this film and I don't blame you if you don't stick it out, it rewards you with nothing except a giant question mark hovering over your head. Is Katy an alien, possessed? A reincarnated ice queen from another universe? It's not worth thinking about and I think the team behind this mess, just tossed whatever ideas they had at a wall and whatever stuck, they filmed! Total trash, but definitely entertaining!

Welcome to my all midget rock opera version of Godspell

Mork calling Orson

Not the first time, I was this high and acted in a crappy movie