theater of guts: Sexy Nights Of The Living Dead

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Sexy Nights Of The Living Dead

Sexy Nights Of The Living Dead Directed By Joe D'Amato, starring George Eastman (1980)
   This is one of those Joe D'Amato films that should start with a warning; keep your pants up while viewing or you may end up puking on your own crotch! This cinematic morsel tries to mix hardcore porn with hardcore gore and comes up limp in both genres!
   Joe is a master when it comes to an all out tropical vacation with doses of snuff,animal antics and an infamous traveling manipulative slut (I.E. The Laura Gemser Emmanuelle series). That's were he's an accomplished director and Laura is even featured in this one, plus other welcome or unwelcome stars show up, it's all tedious and uneven. Although the ending is worth writing home about and morphs into a cross between Zombie and Last House On The Left, so take this warning to task that I give you (make sure you fall asleep, then set your alarms for the climax, because its a gusher)!
EWW, Ahem..... Ok so back to the review (wait let me put on my hazmat suit as I write this, I don't want any ball wart germs or jungle rot)!
   Pluto Kennedy (or Marcello Giombini) busts out with an Italio-disco ripoff of the Fabio Frizzi Zombie theme as we meet Larry (an unhinged and horny) George Eastman. This film dares to involve heavy concepts like "is it all a fantasy? Is this scenario in a fenced in asylum/ industrial laundry room foreshadowing? It's a headscratcher that Eastman actually wrote himself, I'm thinking so he can excuse those D'Amato random sex scenes and non-sequitors.
   A sexy nurse humps Larry (Eastman) as a 70's Donald Sutherland impersonator comically wacks off (already we are on a Benny Hill-esque Italian trainwreck)! As I mentioned before in D'Amato's world there are no explanations or set ups for what goes on, people just do shit, one minute they are on a boat, the next on land (just go with it Maaan)! Could it all be in the mind of Eastman, I'm not telling, I suffered through this dreck and now its your turn!
   Thankfully (I mean unthankfully) Mark "Ball Warts" Shannon joins the expedition to "Cat Island" but first this Italian Magnum PI impersonator has a threesome in a shower, these graphic sex scenes add nothing to the story and as far as I can tell they were edited out when aired on Showtime or Cinemax in the 80's. After that revolting spectacle we are treated to another as the two hookers flee the scene and a sultry woman joins Mark for some champagne and a second helping of chlamydia (Uck)! Get me out of here!

Here's to Herpes

Finally a cannibalistic ghoul shows up and attempts to make it tolerable. This hulking figure looks like John C. Reilly as The Tenacious D Sasquatch in a monk robe, he takes a chunk out of the neck of Mark's travel agent. Laura Gemser Jr. or the actress from Porno Holocaust shows up to bone Larry for a few minutes then disappears. Then he runs into a zombie that looks like Kramer from Seinfeld with maggots oozing out of his eyesocket, Larry chucks an anchor at his face! They make it out to "Cat Island", where Mark has plans to build a resort, but doesn't tell anyone yet. Why is it called Cat island? Who knows, why does Candy Apple Island have giant apes? Same reason!
Next we are treated to a champagne swallowing beaver in a disco, beavers on the sand and lots of humping on the boat. I'm starting to sprout a cold sore just from this review! It turns out Laura Gemser and her grandfather are expecting their arrival as a loud cat meows in an echoey tone by the cemetery (scared yet?, me neither). But wait! it does make sense, because the famous cat of "Cat Island" shows up, this spooky cat patrols the island. MEOOWWW!

My sand, my beach, Go home!

Grampa has a giant gumball growing out of his forehead and doesn't like Shanon's plans of building a hotel on sacred ground! It turns out Gemser is a bi-sexual ghost and haunts the panties right off of Larry's woman, then bangs Larry in the water (he keeps his jeans on, Ouch)! The mysterious old man hands Larry a "Greg Brady" Tiki idol for protection as zombies begin to emerge from behind the palm trees, this is where the movie stars picking up momentum. The soundtrack sometimes sounds like the begining of Cars by Gary Neuman. Ole Warty balls goes to look for Gemser to molest, but instead gets attacked by zombie monks (who looks like a cross between Star Wars sandpeople and the Blind Dead). It gets worse for him though, because after a triumphant battle with the undead, he unfortunately gets the Fred Lincoln treatment from Laura (think Lorena Bobbit too).

Sorry Gemser but that wad of meat is also your paycheck!

The last 18 minutes make up for the first hour or so, because it gets really gruesome, maybe it was worth the torture. Do Larry and his beach babes escape? Find out for yourself! I'm gonna take a nap!
Slightly Recommended 4 out of 10