Here's Mr. Mountain (AKA Goat Scrote)'s Christmas roundup of Netflix Instant Xmas Themed reviews! Take it away Goaty!
We are approaching the holiday season, and I’m going to let you in on one
of my little quirks. I absolutely adore Christmas-themed horror movies. I could
explain why, but you’re not here to be my therapist, you’re here for movies!
SAINT NICK
(2010) Directed By Dick Maas (Har! Really?)
“Saint Nick” (aka “Saint” or “Sint”) is a fun popcorn flick from the
Netherlands. It seems that old Saint Nick is an undead monster with a grudge,
and he returns whenever there is a full moon on the 5th of December.
Before Coca Cola got their hands on the legend and cleaned it up, jolly old
Saint Nick was accompanied by a counterpart who meted out punishments to bad
children: The sadistic Black Pete who carried children away in his sack, or a
demonic creature called Krampus who could swing a pretty mean faggot. (That’s a
bundle of sticks. What did you think I meant?) Anyway, check it out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Companions_of_Saint_Nicholas
for more on that. In this flick his helpers are a bunch of horribly burned axe-wielding
undead sailors. They don’t really give a fuck about naughty or nice, and they aren’t
here to deliver presents. It reminded me a little bit of John Carpenter’s “The
Fog”, but without the creepy claustrophobic vibe.
Saint Nick rides around Amsterdam on his magic white horse with his evil
posse in tow, dispensing violence and terror everywhere they go. A disgraced
cop and a fugitive who is being blamed for Santa’s crimes are the only ones who
can stop him. There’s plenty of bloody action, high body count, some messy kills,
entertaining special effects, and slightly cheesy dubbing. It’s not in the
least bit scary but it still has the ingredients for a brainless holiday good
time. (I thought I would mention that Saint Nick looks suspiciously like the Anti Pope Singer from Ghost. ed)
RARE EXPORTS:
A CHRISTMAS TALE (2010) Directed by Jalmari Helander
Next in the line-up is “Rare
Exports”, another foreign Christmas-themed flick, this time from Finland. An
eccentric millionaire has undertaken a project to unearth Santa Claus – a
horned Krampus-like figure - from his ancient burial mound. Weeks later, the
locals are in the middle of their annual reindeer round-up, except it turns out
something has slaughtered all the reindeer. Only one kid, Pietari, sees the
signs and understands what is happening, but no one cares what he thinks. On
the other hand, he IS allowed to carry around a shotgun wherever he goes, so
that’s a plus.
Christmas day arrives, and
strange things are going on in the village. A creepy (and very nude) old man is
caught in a pungi pit meant for wolves, but the tough old cuss refuses to die.
Turns out he has been abducting the naughty children of the village, and he was
interrupted on his way to snatch Pietari. Pretty soon even the skeptical adults
realize that they are dealing with something out of the ordinary. When they attempt
to sell Santa back to the men who dug him up in the first place, things do not
go as planned. Surprise surprise, it turns out Santa has helpers…
Right around now, Pietari goes
into action hero mode and comes up with a plan to save the day. There’s a whole
bunch of full-frontal old-man nudity, a big explosion, and a denouement where
Santa’s helpers go through pretty much the weirdest career re-training program
ever.
It’s an odd little movie.
There’s too much death and way too many penises for it to be kid’s fare, but
probably not enough gruesomeness to really excite horror fans. I was hoping for
Santa to open up a serious can of whoop-ass at some point, so that was a little
disappointing. Even so, I enjoyed it as a peculiar change of pace.
SANTA’S SLAY
(2005) Directed by David Steiman
This one is definitely a comedy
with not so much horror, but it fits well with the theme established by the
previous two movies: Santa is a supernatural evil force who shows up to wreak
yuletide havoc. We open at Christmas dinner with a snotty rich family featuring
James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart. Santa (super-hot
Bill Goldberg, of pro-wrestling fame) comes busting out of the chimney, kicks
the dog to show he means business, sets Fran Drescher on fire (that’s one item
scratched off my Christmas wish list), kills James Caan with a turkey
drumstick, and generally fucks up Christmas for everybody. Rad.
This is by far the best part of
the movie, so if you turn it off after the first five minutes you’re not really
missing much. In a backwater burg called Hell Township, our young protagonist Nicolas
learns the truth about Santa from his wacked out inventor grandfather. You see,
Santa is actually the son of Satan, and he lost a bet with an angel which
required him to be nice for 1000 years. Now the millennium is up and he’s
celebrating with a killing spree. Strippers are terrorized, testicles are
tasered, a man is impaled with a menorah, and not-so-witty one-liners are
exchanged. The fight scene at the strip club is fun, at least. Santa spends
most of his time chasing around the hero and his girlfriend for no particular
reason. Spoilers: The good guys win; The hero gets the girl; Valuable life
lessons are learned.
Personally, I was rooting for
Goldberg to slaughter everyone. Oh well. Maybe next Christmas. Available on DVD
Thanks alot Goat Scrote
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