Crankenstien's take on Dario Argento

           There’s this constant debate between horror fans, which one is better Lucio Fulci or Dario Argento? And if you are an avid reader of this blog, you may be wondering why I've neglected to review any of the works of Argento and consistently praised Fulci? I just think that his work is overly reviewed and overanalyzed, however don't get the wrong idea, I am a huge fan of his but feel strange reviewing these films without a new perspective!  So in this entry I will put in my two cents about Dario Argento!

            I have to admit that I prefer the visceral horror, schlockiness and abundance of rotten maggot infested corpses that Fulci brings to the spectrum over Argento’s hyperstylized, overly violent high tech goth also with a heavy dose of maggots. There is a lot more to poke fun of in Fulci's work then the professionalism of Argento.

           Now that I think about it, I like both of them a lot, but Argento’s films are so highly regarded by film scholars and critics that Fulci comes off like the punching bag that needs more support and I’ve always found his films more watchable repeatedly then Argentos. I'll wait to re-watch Argento films in the theater or in pristine condition (on a Blue-underground DVD), because its is all about the quality and subtext. Deep Red is one of my all time favorites. Fulci has that cheesiness, combined with the supernatural and I find the ineptness more compelling.

Galen Ross

          I once read an article in Fangoria about what a feminist Argento is. During the filming of Dawn Of The Dead, which he produced, he visited the set to see what was going on and Romero had to hide Galen Ross because he was afraid if Argento found out there was only one woman in an all male overly testosteroned zombie slug fest he would take his money out of the project! He often has women at the forefront of battles against witch conspiracies (in three films), solving mysteries (Phenomena and Deep Red) and most often the male characters are pretty dense and one-dimensional. The killer is often times female (as in Deep Red and Phenomena). I admire the use of frightening puppets (as in Four Flies On Grey Velvet and Deep Red). He shares the same flaws as Brian Depalma (both have been accused of copying Hitchcock) and their early efforts are legendary, but the later works suffer and pale in comparison. In my opinion both directors can never recapture that compelling magic they harnessed in the beginning of their careers and many other horror directors are struggling with this stigma.         
Fulci on the otherhand is a raving misogynist, when confronted with this question, he has never been clear on how he really views women. It seems that he just hates actors in general (laughing at the suffering the zombies go through in many of his films, calling them walking flower pots)! I mean if you force an actress like Daniela Doria in City Of The Living Dead to ingest real sheep guts and then have her vomit them out, you are clearly getting off on abusing your talent for the sake of art. This type of realism can only be blamed on the Neorealist school of Italian cinema that each director working in the field can equally share the influence. During Phenomena, Jennifer Connelly's finger was bitten off by the razor chimp and then surgically re-attached without it interfering with the film, that should be blamed on the animal trainer not the film maker. Both directors have a fetish for extreme graphic close-ups of eyeballs and weapons plunging into them.          Fabio Frizzi’s brilliant electronic choral tones inject the Fulci screen with substance and depth and Goblin’s thundering, whispery bass heavy rock electrify Argento’s films and I am a ravenous collector of both composer’s works. Argento started out writing for different westerns (he has a writing credit for Once Upon A Time In The West) and began in the Giallo genre (which I detest)! For me he really didn’t hit his stride until Deep Red came along. According to Psychotronic (#18 1994), Dario wanted to use Pink Floyd to score the soundtrack for Deep Red but they were unavailable. He instead found Goblin  and they have started a bond that continued on through out the 70's and 80's and its band leader Claudio Simonetti has scored almost all Argento projects, with the exception of Keith Emerson taking over for the score on Inferno.
          In Deep Red, David Hemmings plays a similar photographer as the one in Blow-Up and along Daria Nicolodi (with a soft dubbed voice, thankfully), they solve the stabbing of a psychic. In that Psychotronic issue, Argento also mentions that Udo Keir while filming Suspiria invited Argento to a party with Fassbinder and David Bowie, the film was made in parts of Munich. Argento mentions that he thought Bowie might have been a Nazi, not sure, because he loves Germany so much! I also feel the need to defend Dario’s unfair reputation as a junkie, because anytime I go to the Castro Theater during Midnites For Maniacs, Jessie Ficks never fails to mention that he thinks Argento is a heroin addict and I have never heard this information anywhere else, I have to assume its total bullshit! Don’t believe this rumor if you happen to hear it, because it has never been confirmed!

            I first learned about Argento through Fangoria and Suspiria in the US in the early 80’s there was an epidemic of butchered videotapes and you were deprived of the artist's original vision and only left with these shitty censored versions, that is if you could find them at all! When I ordered Deep Red from Chas Balun it was from a Japanese laserdisc under the title Suspiria 2 and it’s completely unrelated, as it turns out Inferno is actually Suspiria 2 sort of. Almost all of Balun's collection was duped from laserdiscs and thankfully all of Argento's work has been restored on DVD.

            Argento is a testament to the work of Edgar Allen Poe and H.P. Lovecraft, the use of creative lighting and frightening imagry is incredibly captivating, I love and respect his work, I just have more to say as a critic in regards to Lucio Fulci. Then again I just wrote a long assed essay on Argento, I am a huge fan of both directors. As for his recent efforts they have all been disappointing to me and don’t get me started on his recent popularity with the hipster crowd (Bleaccchhhh)!! And as  the total film snob that I am, I have to count Opera (from 1987) as his last good film, even with its flaws.           

 Check out this awesome clip of Dario Argento on Joe Franklin

Sex & Fury

 Sex & Fury Directed By Noribumi Suzuki. Starring Reiko Ike (1973) 

        A little girl runs toward a ball as her police detective uncle is slaughtered down a long corridor. A kaleidoscope of blood and flower cards decorate the credit sequence. 

  The setting takes place in 1905 as Japan's glory and conquest is achieved through wars and brought in modernity and political might. 
       Inoshika Ocho (Reiko Ike) plays a petty thief and samurai gambler who seeks revenge for her fathers murder. Later on an incredible naked sword fight ensues at the gambling house, she hops out of a tub and single-handedly dismembers an entire gang. The fighting is very stylized, like a ritualistic dance of death as snow flakes fall among the severed limbs and severed necks spray blood over her naked breasts, this was sequence was definitely lifted for Kill Bill.

          Ocho flees town on a train after that murderous incident. She pickpockets a locket with a picture of the one eyed hooker from Thriller: a Cruel Picture (or The call her One Eye). 

          She meets up with her adopted mother, who runs a brothel where they don't use condoms and think they are called rude sacks! One eye (Christina Lindberg) is apparently a master gambler and  gets pitted against Ocho, the tense game is broken up for a minute with gun shots. Christina Lindberg the Swedish sex kitten has both of her eyes intact and does a good job in this role as a spy. A virgin is deflowered by a man with a deer tattoo on a giant red and green mat. The tattoos have some significance, but I'm not sure what they mean.

The sexual debauchery gets going at the 30 minute mark as Lindberg is assaulted by her boss for being a bad secret agent. According to this movie being a female spy is the same as being a hooker because you must separate your brain from your body. Sexual Harassment obviously doesn't exist in the early 1900's and it seems like a shitty thankless job. Ocho and Christina are in love with the same man Shunosuke, but are unaware. 

Iwakura (Hiroshi Nawa) the lady defiler last seen on the red and green mat, years later working for the same director would play the rapist father in Star Of David: Hunting For Beautiful Girls. He is brilliant in roles as a demented sexually depraved lunatic.

Later on Ocho succeeds in murdering him by applying German poison to her vagina and luring him into her spider's web of cunnilingus. 

        Most of the men in this film are misogynistic politicians who barter their women to gain an upper hand, it comes with the territory in many Japanese sexploitation pink films. This one has a dramatic element that's sort of sweet, especially the tenderness of Christina and Shinosuke. 
        The boss who teaches lessons by way of rape, shows up later to kill Christina and her boyfriend. There's a crazy scene towards the end with a train full of nuns armed with knives that invokes heavy S&M between Christina and Ocho. She is used against her by the men in charge as ominous pipe organ plays, Ochu is whipped to death in a stained glass dungeon while the nuns silently look on. The same nuns later appeared in School Of The Holy Beast also directed by Suzuki. All the women share the bond of vengeance and deceit and they all used by men. The finally has some choice Hendrix-esque noodling music as Ocho takes a samurai sword and slices and dices, eviscerating more gang members as the red waves start streaming. This kill scene is done topless as she outruns bullets and brings down the last remaining futile politician. There would be no Kill Bill without this film or Lady Snowblood.   
        I love the Toei company, they are like a crane machine where its always a mixed bag of what you're gonna get. It could be a nazi sex film,a cheesy sci fi one like The Green Slime, Godzilla, Ultraman or Sonny Chiba and anytime I see those waves crashing among the rocks I know I'm in for something astounding! 

Now they call me 2 eyes

WATCH HERE

Marquis

Marquis. Directed by Henri Xhonneux starring creepy animal/ human hybrids (1989)
     There have been many film interpretations, plays, songs based on the perverted works of Marquis Desade, but nothing  comes close to the weirdness presented in this all puppet presentation. Skunkape mentioned and I agree that there should be an English dubbed version to fully enjoy the scary puppet faces without having to read all the French.
     Quills and this film follow the same story line and its basically Meet The Feebles done with historical attention to detail. In fact there's too much detail going on and no one looking for this level of surreal weirdness would have the attention span to commit to this nonsense!     
     Roland Topor who did the production design for La Planete Sauvage was involved in this project and also wrote the novel for the brilliant Polanski film The Tenant. There's a talking penis that has a human brain and commands its Dog/Gelfling faced owner to write. sometimes it wears a wig and a little French Revolution outfit in a little guillotine. The different animal faces are meant to represent racial stereotypes in the same vein as Art Spiegelman's Maus. I hate to compare it to that genius graphic novel, but that's the only relevant connection I can think of that used different races as animals. In Marquis there are chickens, camels,pigs, rats, cows, fish, dogs and horse faced women and its all very distressing.
     After awhile you get used to the hideous puppets and you start to pay attention to the storyline, the effect wears off, but then they bash you over the head with overtly sexual antics that skeeved me out! Dog faced DeSade at one point has sex with a wall and its eyes open, scary! A chicken faced man gets a chew job (I'll let you guess what that is!) and his voice speeds up!
     Marquis Desade  locked up in The Bastille prison impresses a cow faced girl with his disgusting porn writing (which is illustrated with claymation butts and other bizarre shit)!
His penis feels betrayed and wants to escape! The cow girl is tortured for having sympathy for Desade and milked by the chicken man. This is the kind of film I would have been mentally scarred for life had I seen it as a child and hopefully no kids watch it online by accident!
     The complete version is on youtube, but unfortunately is only in French or with Spanish subs and the english version has subs that take over the screen! The whole thing is so depraved and ridiculous that its difficult to take anything too seriously. This take on Marquis Desade is sympathetic and its pretty creepy and of course pornographic. The film makers are asking too much for anyone to pay attention to a political storyline while delivering weird bestiality sex with puppets, its completely insane! Then again why is someone as demented, respected as a liberator in some circles. To portray Desade as a champion of free expression through horrifying puppets is sort of genius. I need to sit down and take some advil after this review!
NO LINK

Theater of Guts

Tribute Trailer

 

 

  

Nighthawks

 

 Nighthawks Directed by Bruce Malmuth. Starring Rutgar Hauer. (1981).
   I first saw clips of this film during Terror In The Aisles and thought it may have been a horror film, but its not, its a gritty action flick and one of my all time favorites!
  The long arm of Wulfgar is out bombing London shops after Christmas and creating global chaos, only Matt Fox and Deke Dasilva can take him down with their own brand of street thug justice! This is Stallone's best and Billy Dee Williams says "You Motherfucker!" to every other street punk, while they battle hordes of drug pushers with shotguns. Jamie Gillis 70's porn actor even shows up in an odd cameo as a mall worker, he threatens to put the moves on Stallone's ex-wife Lindsay Wagner. Meanwhile Wulgar played with top notch viciousness by Rutger Hauer in one of his first American roles, is terrorizing the city. His face is heavily made up by Dick Smith toward the beginning and when he visits a back alley French surgeon, his actual face is reveled. Keith Emerson does the score which is very keyboard heavy and brilliant. 
  During Wulfgar's encounter with a British contact that tries to rat him out, he pulls out a machine gun hidden in an acoustic guitar and mows down the police! 
  The Brit contact incriminates him and that's the reason he must alter his features through surgery. Dasilvio and Fox chase down muggers using clear masks to resemble a helpless female victim, which later comes into play in the final showdown. 
   FBI Interpol gets word of Wulgar's reign of terror and starts bullying the NY precinct which pisses everyone off including the lieutenant played by a clean shaven Joe Spinell. In real life Spinell lived with Stallone for awhile and most likely influenced Sage Stallone's interest in restoring Italian gore films years later. 
  Nigel Davenport is great as the Interpol anti-terrorist trainer. Stallone and Billy Dee Williams have to suffer through the psychological torture chamber masquerading as an orientation. 
  NightHawk's narrative sides with the street hood mentality and wants to make it seem that the training education is useless against the beatdown tactics used in the beginning of the film, which turn out to be the only way to defeat Wulfgar. 
  While the police are bored to tears, Wulfgar the international criminal is out bombing city blocks and holding old ladies at knife point on the subway. The Interpol trainer wants to force Stallone to the breaking point and control him and the others militarily, using them as killing machines with a badge.
  Wulfgar hangs out in discos and loves fancy-assed shit! This means the police have to stakeout annoying night clubs. He stores his arsenal at a dopey waitresses' apartment, who even tells her that he is a terrorist, but she laughs it off as a joke. He frequents all the NYC discos and brings a machine gun to the dancefloor, doing little twist moves as he obliterates the crowd. This film shows in one chase scene, that the most helpless place to be for a victim is on the subway, especially in early 80's NYC. People just look away, don't want to get involved and no one wants to get shot or stabbed. Wulfgar manages to hold an old lady hostage and escape, leaving Matt Fox (Billy Dee Williams) with a razor slice to the jawline. To add insult to injury, DaSilva keeps getting reminded by the characters in the film and most likely the audience, screaming at the cinema screen, "Take The Shot!". I mean he had a clear shot of Wulfgar, but he chickened out. This scenario keeps gnawing at his guts.
According to IMDB this was supposed to be a third sequel to The French Connection, that they reworked into this, pretty strange! Highly Recommended! 

WATCH HERE

Eyes Of A Stranger

 Eyes Of A Stranger Directed By Ken Wiederhorn. Starring Lauren Tewes (1981)
     Jane Harris (Lauren Tewes of Love Boat fame) plays an idiotic reporter who ends up attracting a serial killer. This is not just any killer, it's John Desanti who the year before played Gross Out in the Belushi-ploitation opus King Frat! That character made such a revolting impression that it threatens to outshine this one. He plays Stanley Herbert, prank calling different blondes, saying sleazy horrible shit over the phone, then stalks them and kills them. Later on he almost rapes Jennifer Jason Leigh who plays a blind mute in one of her first roles. Roger Ebert most likely skipped this one otherwise he would be up in arms about her getting naked like he did in Fast Times. The critics have really panned this one, even Psychotronic trashed it! in my opinion, they got it totally wrong! 

    This is a nice effective slasher that has a mean edge and yet is still very fun! The reason the critics were pissed was that the version they saw was completely edited, all the nudity and violence was butchered from that print. Tom Savini handled the FX and in Grand Illusions mentions an odd story about Gross Out (John Disanti). During an effect where the actor is supposed to smash through the shower glass, but he couldn't break through it! and ended up cutting his butt in the process and had to go the hospital. He brought the X-rays to the set and kept mentioning it, maybe being a jerk about it. Savini says that the director hired him after seeing his work in Friday the 13th and basically wanted him to pad the film with creative deaths. The severed head decapitation in the fish tank is really cool! In Grand Illusions Savini maps out all the effects and the actor held his breath in a prop fish tank. Most of the murders are enacted toward women like any other slasher and they all get naked then die. Gross Out calls up different women and scares the shit out of them, then shows up sometimes wearing a clear mask over his nylon covered face. 

    Jane eventually prank calls the killer and interrogates him, the moral of that idiotic story is don't antagonize a psychotic rapist unless you want your relatives assaulted. Also don't call someone a "Phone Freak". Gross out skulks around peeping at different women, eventually showing up at Jane's house and running into Jennifer Jason Leigh instead!       
    By revealing that the killer is Gross out,it seems that I'm giving away the ending, but trust me he is the main reason to check this one out considering as a cult movie fanatic there are just a handful of reasons to watch something this predictable and its usually to check out your favorite stars in action. Ken Wiederhorn would become one of those reviled directors to avoid after he made Return Of The Living Dead 2, a complete blasphemous spineless, horrid remake of the original, rated PG! But forget about that and enjoy this early effort that would be his last great film. The director shamelessly plugs his own snooze fest Shockwaves (which is played on TV in different houses)! No one can stay awake through that film. Eyes Of A Stranger is very predictable, but has a disturbing and unique quality that's very likable and quirky.  

WATCH HERE (click on free user then hit Play)

Miami Connection

Miami Connection Directed by Richard Park (1987) Starring YK Kim
     What better way to celebrate Christmas then to buy online or better yet go to the theater and check out Miami Connection, the best film completely shot in Florida since Blood Freak! 
      It stars the World Renowned, abominably spirited YK Kim, a living testament to the American dream and a martial arts juggernaut! He fights and rocks in Dragon Sound! They are one of the hottest bands in the Central Florida club scene. Drafthouse Films rescued this rare cult item filmed all over Florida (Orlando, Daytona, other places) and found it on Ebay of all places and fixed it up! It comes off like a lost Sho Kosugi type Cannon Film. Cocaine dealers in floppy hats have Satin Jacket wearing geek bodyguards armed with uzis that get hammered by ninja stars and flying arrows. The dynamic action is immediate as people are pummeled and sliced and diced! Bikers by day and ninjas by night will steal your cocaine! One such ninja is Yoshito, he wears an all white suit and heads a biker gang and a ninja crew. He goes up to bartenders and asks them for a beer and a kiss on the lips! There are some authentic Florida regulars and almost all the actors seem like they have never been in anything else. There are many scenes where none of the actor's mouths move, but the audio track is running. 
      Dragon Sound's uber positive messages will turn your stomach and blow your mind! The villain Jeff has a dyed black beard and looks sort of like Billy Mays or Billy Mitchell, he is pissed that his sister Jane is even in Dragon Sound. There may be some kind of vague incest theme, because he is jealous of his sister's relationship with them. That is merely implied and never addressed. The awkward fashions and low budget quality gives it an extra level of hilarity and its fun to gawk at the Florida locals. Some of the background kids look exactly like the crowd in Heavy Metal Parking Lot. Miami Connection is a genuine time capsule of 1987 fashions.    
      Y.K. Kim's first appearance involves him trying to prevent Jane's brother Jeff (who sports a white saber tooth earring) from beating the shit out him and Dragon Sound. Y.K. Kim delivers some of the clunkiest awkward broken english this side of Jackie Chan and it just gets muddier from then on.
      I love the club promoter who yells at this other guy telling him that his music is for old people! There's a common known secret in Florida that is finally revealed in Miami Connection, everyone knows martial arts and can kick ass when needed. 
Dragon Sounds hits are "Against the Ninja" and "Friends", they have that schmaltzy 80's new wave quality and the songs kinda sound like Eddie Murphy's "Party All The Time". The padded audio of loud clapping (during the concert) or loud eating (at the restaurant) is unnerving. One character who feels that he rocks harder then Dragon Sound, dresses like Brian Johnson from AC/DC with a cabbie hat, neckerchief and rocknroll arm band.
      A fight with YK Kim against 20 guys ensues as slow-mo kicks gratuitously occur. Half of the villains look like angry dads or man boobed dweebs and probably a baby could arm wrestle them to the ground. They showcase the beach alittle bit, montage it up and include a strange foot pinching (3 stooges inspired) martial arts move not scene in any Chuck Norris or Segal vehicle, because the smell of their feet would paralyze any red blooded American. The black bearded jerk Jeff is threatening their school and band and ultimately their future goals of promoting peace.
      Toward the end they showcase the repulsive and awesome reality that is Biker Week in Florida and many of the real bikers are included. Yoshito and Jeff hang out at sleazy incidental titty bars at Biker Week, where they only serve warm swill in small plastic cups! Miami Connection is so likable and positive with genuine Florida rednecks and mongoloid locals that its irresistible and fun! A definite must see flick! The mail scene where Jim gets a letter from his estranged father is riveting! It winds down with a ninja fight in the humid florida jungles ( that looked like they were filmed in someone's backyard canal). Peace is fought through extreme violence combined with extreme new wave! Buy it now!    

You're Fucking Old!

Fighting Force of Extraordinary Magnitude!

BUY HERE  

Jack Frost

Jack Frost Directed By Michael Cooney Starring Scott Macdonald. (1996)

                Once upon a time there was a serial killer named Jack Frost. Jack was caught by the morally upright sheriff of Snowmanton county, and swore revenge. On the way to be executed, however, the prison transfer van crashed into a tanker truck full of weird experimental chemicals, which melted Jack's flesh off into the snow. As you would expect, this turned him into an evil snowman.

                Jack really gets into the spirit of the season, using sleds, Christmas ornaments, and holiday scarves as weapons on his killing spree. Victims fight back with ice picks and blow-dryers. One idiot fires a gun at him while he’s in the form of a puddle of water on the floor... man, it's hard to root for the good guys here. The villain finally starts hitting his stride about an hour in, cracking shitty one liners and playing a round of “hide the carrot” with one of the local teens when she tries to take a bath… turns out noses aren’t the only thing that snowmen use carrots for. In the end, of course, his weakness turns out to be antifreeze. Makes sense. Probably should have tried that sooner, coulda saved some lives maybe.

This obviously should not be confused with the Michael Keaton family movie which has the same title and the same basic “dead guy comes back as snowman” premise. This one came first, and it’s bad, but it’s not THAT bad. Like so many of the movies I watch, Jack Frost revels in its own crass stupidity. The special effects are ridiculously cheesy. It’s not scary, it’s not very gory, and I grinned a few times at some of the lines (“I’m the world’s most pissed-off snow cone”) but there isn’t anything laugh-out-loud funny. I’m not sure how this spawned a sequel  -- set on a tropical island, no less -- but it’s a funny world we live in. I love Christmas horror but it’s okay to miss this one. Review By Goat Scrote!
So I was going to include a couple more Christmas Review tacked onto this one but I decided to save it for next time because there are hardly any good Christmas horror films, so watch this one if you are planning on getting wasted and making fun of it. I also remember the cool hologram VHS cover and I encourage those gimmicks that I'm sure will be coming back  (Ed.)

 WATCH HERE

Bloody Birthday

 Bloody Birthday Directed By Ed Hunt. Starring Julie Brown. (1981)

Review by Mr. Moutain (AKA Goat Scrote)   
            
This flick is based on the well-known scientific fact that solar eclipses make evil babies. The influence of Saturn is blocked, you see, which governs our emotions and invariably determines whether or not a person will take delight in squeezing, choking, chopping, suffocating, or crushing the life out of other people. Hey, I've seen plenty of movies where the killers' motivations were much flimsier than this. Anyway, three adorable tykes born at the same time on the same day go on a fairly creative murder spree and start working their way through the population, starting with a couple of teenagers making out in an open grave. (!!!???) The "accidental" death rate of the town goes from zero to oh-my-god-the-humanity, pretty much overnight. It’s not clear why almost everyone fails to make the connection between these sociopathic micro-perverts and the bodies which keep being discovered in their immediate vicinity, but what the hell, most horror movies would be really short if the characters weren't a little bit dumb. Even after their murder scrapbook is discovered, no one lifts a finger to stop them. If you're a fan of the "Porky's" series as well as the Fulci oeuvre, you'll no doubt be just as amused as I was when this movie brings together the classic tropes of mischievous peephole-voyeurism and gruesome eyeball-impalement. Those delightful little scamps. Kids kill the darndest ways! A couple of do-gooders sort of figure out what is going on but prove to be surprisingly adept at avoiding the traps of the merry little murderers. Despite full awareness that the unholy trinity have been relentlessly trying to snuff them, the innocent pair are not in the least bit wary when the kids invite them to come over one evening, setting the stage for a final showdown.

                Light on gore, but an entertaining little slasher movie anyway. Moral of the story: If your due date falls on a solar eclipse, abort! Abort!

Julie Brown's greatest role

WATCH HERE

Don't Answer The Phone!

   

 Don't Answer The Phone. Directed By Robert Hammer. (1980)
  I really like a production company like Crown International that isn't afraid to have a logo that looks like a hood ornament! this my favorite of the all the trash they've put out over the years (many of their catalog is available on instant and some on IFC). They churned out drive in garbage like The Hearse, The Van, lots of late night Flix channel fare that's now on instant c/o of Netflix.
      This is actually where I first saw Don't Answer The Phone! Nicholas Worth has never been as creepy, he plays Kirk Smith a psychotic turtleneck sporting Nam Vet who strangles women on Hollywood Blvd. He breaks into their houses and chokes them then he calls up his radio therapist. Sometimes he uses a ridiculous racist mexican voice and gets a straight response from the doctor (so then what's wrong with her)? She slowly figures out something is up with Ramon (Smith's alter ego for radio purposes)! The film starts off with Kirk sweatily working out with his Jesus statue in the background and sometimes he laughs and cries at the same time, sounding exactly like Mutley from the Wacky Racers! He blames his father and warns a girl he's about to kill that she shouldn't hitch hike!
    He has one of the best roles in this and as the guinea pig in Swamp Thing that first tries the serum. The score in Don't Answer is incredible and sounds like a crappy Nintendo game on acid. 
     James Westmoreland from The Undertaker & His Pals plays a cardboard cut-out cop and almost all the other characters  here are one dimensional. There's some extra weirdness going on in the police station too (I think this movie is trying to say these people are inept and won't possibly catch the strangler).
     Kurt Smith blissfully strangles women with pantyhose over his face, breaks into their houses and pours hot wax on some of them. The rapes are very uncomfortable and extra sleazy, its the kind of movie you want to watch alone so people don't judge you.
     It's all very misogynistic considering every female character is portrayed as psychologically weak or stupid easy prey for a killer. What else would you expect from an exploitation slasher, this movie delivers! Nicholas Worth gives this role so much depth and in the interview link mentions that he improvised most of his lines. If he were missing there would be nothing to watch, other then dull half naked chuckleheads. This and Don't Go In The House are the best "Don't" films in my opinion.  
There's a hilarious scene with Chuck Mitchell (Porkys and Better Off Dead) as a porn collector eager to buy the violent smut that Smith is peddling. The film manages to get under your skin without actually showing anything on the level of any Italian Gore flick. It's definitely not for everyone, Worth sadly died in 2007, he played a lot of bit parts as various henchmen and seems really likeable. The director Robert Hammer only has a few credits and seems to me just another director trying to cash in on the 80's slasher craze.
No Film Link, but you cant rent it on disc from Netflix. 

Interview With Nicholas Worth

The Wizard's Curse

 

 The Wizard's Curse (Yao guai du shi) Directed By Yuen Cheung-Yan. Starring Leung Bing Kwan. (1992).
    Criminals that know sorcery are being hunted down and only Ching-Ying Lam the unibrowed super priest can defeat them! You know you're in for some shit housed rat craziness when Mortal Kombat style characters start hurling magical lights and stars at each other! Stop motion ghost footprints decorate the forest ground and Wong Jing (the sleaziest producer in Hong Kong!) is at the keyboard as the screenwriter.
    Bullets dunked in the blood of a black dog subdue these enchanters. The head wizard creates a Terrific Vampire with sperm and period blood poured into a cauldron, according to him "It's the top monster in the field of sorcery". Sorcerers are brain eating deceitful people that stab each other (with blue boners)! and have to time everything out just right to stay invincible! Buddha is not responsible and can't protect believers from evil wizards.
    Meanwhile two whiny dudes are at the hospital having there dicks operated on.They are both cops and one of them ends up with The super priest's daughter, who works there. The father and daughter have conflicting religious beliefs, this may be foreshadowing because the main wizard said "no Gods can destroy the Terrific Vampire".
The daughter can only find creeps and pervs to date and in a "Bewitched" style scenario, the father uses voodoo behind the scenes on his daughter's boyfriend to make his penis disappear! The mother has bizarre powers too and talks to paper dolls. There's even wacky sitcom style music.
    The combined male and female creature that jumped out of the cauldron from the beginning is out biting people and sucking out their brains. It can disguise itself and fly around in a leather jacket, while one head keeps popping out and gnawing on brains, some times it fights by swinging its giant blue boner around.
     Lam's daughter, disgusting as it is to her, has devil killing saliva because she was born at a spiritual hour! The bumbling police get involved, but only magic can help. There's fast motion shopping montage for magic potion ingredients, sort of like an alchemist Benny Hill. The mom is extra wacky and uses her magic panties to battle the creature and even turns into her daughter to seduce her boyfriend. The Terrific Vampire breaks into the hospital to kill our heroes at the end like a leather clad hermaphrodite Manitou, putting everyone to sleep. Instead it ends up in a final showdown between the parents, decked out in their Taoist fighting garb, they throw cartoon shapes at them. Sometimes the glare gets in the way of the subtitles, subs should all be yellow and outlined. This one is incredibly fast paced and a seriously fun movie! As soon as I figure out how to upload a copy I will, until then sorry no link to watch!

Christmas Reviews Part 2

 Silent Night Deadly Night Directed by Chuck Sellier/ Ira Barmak (1980).   
    I decided to throw together a Christmas flick reviews part 2 round up. Goat Scrote is swamped would finals so hopefully he won't mind if I take over! Christmas often to me means stress, a race with the devil to buy everything on time, being broke and then having a massive after holiday depression fit. But since this year, I've been getting into the spirit lately and its getting closer to that time, I wanted to showcase the worst Christmas movies I could think of and the most disturbing. So here goes!
     I've always found Silent night Deadly Night to be one of the most unpleasant horror films and only sat through it once.
    The first time I even heard of it was by way of all the 80's controversy it was steeped in. It's tough to see from that perspective now looking back, I mean it brought a dopey low budget slasher santa claus flick so much publicity and attention (Thank Siskel & Ebert for shaming it into the public eye and immortalizing it).The myth starts to out weight the material and that gives it incredible strength. So the last time I watched it, I decided after slaving at one of the worst jobs I've ever had (Toys R Us) I decided to just say "Fuck Christmas" and rented a bunch of hate driven killer santa claus flicks assuming it would be a gas!
    After the first couple of minutes of Silent Night, I gave up and decided I couldn't finish it (and even shelved one of my all time favorites Christmas Evil away, never to watch anything that negative again that year)!
    I seriously regret that hasty decision and right now am reconsidering Silent Night, I've grown up and am more desensitized then I was back then and can hopefully handle the grimness. Let's see if I can make it through this time out!
Little Billy's crappy parents take him to visit his Grampa (Will Hare, he played Old Man Peabody in Back To The Future). He is comfortably resting at an insane asylum and his stupid parents decide to leave Billy alone with him. He successfully scares the shit out of the tike telling him that "Santa Claus will punish him"! Then after they drive home, a crook in a Santa outfit blows away a convenient store worker and kills Billy's parents, leaving his baby brother to cry into the cold night all alone.
    There are rampant punishment themes in Silent Night. Billy now lives in a convent, his warped concept of sex and santa claus is starting to merge. The grandfather and the nuns preach ridged discipline, its no wonder this kid eventually cracks up and goes on a killing spree. The nuns pull some strings at Ira's Toys and get the grown up incarnation of Billy a job at a toy store. There's a hilarious montage song while vintage Jabba The Hutt playsets are put on the shelf. Billy freaks out anytime he sees Santa Claus and should be taking medication or see a therapist. Even the nuns who are responsible as his guardians call up the store and after finding out the worst is about to happen, that the manager forcefully dressing him up like Santa will trigger his murderous rage, they refuse to stop him!  After one of Billy's coworkers rapes a cashier in the stockroom, he loses his shit and strangles him with Xmas lights, not because he cares about the girl mind you. He yells things at his victims like "Punishment is good" and "You're Naughty"! What should have been a completely jokey slasher flick was seriously condemned by the public just for scaring kids and having a killer Santa Claus. Ignore the fact that this was already tackled in the 50's by E.C. Comics (they had their own hypocritical juvenile delinquent trials to deal with back then). They were blamed for poisoning the minds of the youth, not much has changed and their always must be a scapegoat to take the fall!
     A scrawny Linnea Quigley shows up to bone some dude on a pool table along to 70's sounding Xmas porn music. She's punished by Billy the retarded Santa Claus (for opening the door topless? i guess and then impaled on some strategically placed antlers). In my mind there's no valid reason for Billy to despise women, I mean he saw his mother get her throat slashed by Santa, shouldn't he feel sorry for all the women and blame himself? The first half of the psychology works, but once he's on a rampage it gets wonky. The film is very depressing, but kinda fun in its own way and doesn't deserve to be so universally reviled, its time to reconsider this Xmas slasher classic!        
WATCH HERE

 

Don't Open Till Christmas Directed by Al Mcgoohan/ Edmund Purdom. Starring Alan Lake (1984)
    This one is notorious for being horrible and considering Skunkape is always on my back about how much I love Edmund Purdom, it's required viewing since he's in it and directed it. I first saw Mr. Purdom in one of my favorite slashers of all time, Pieces as the murderous dean. Some stalker is murdering people in dark alleys and at Xmas disco parties in England. I think after all the negative publicity that Silent Night brought, the Brits had to horn in on some of that box office cash! Even though I swear that Silent Night came out in 84, but nevermind. So Purdom hangs out in his office at Scotland Yard (Big Ben tolls in the background, so I doubt this was filmed in England, since they are really pushing it). Over there they have Father Christmas and apparently Paddington Bear is available for autographs too! Watch out though, because one mall santa gets slashed with a straight razor while pissing. Some of the Brits in this film have a Santa phobia and even fetishize it! After a slutty bird wearing a Santa outfit comes onto this Davey Jones look-a-like he runs away because people passing by might think he's gay (Huh)?? All the people dressed as Father Christmas are all perverts and weirdos so at least this film is honest! It's really dull but has some moments, I guess. The oddest part for me was a bizarre satanic winter wonderland with candles, cartoon devils and even a manger! Are the Christmas critters responsible? It looks like a King Diamond holiday specials! This may have been the moment Edmund was fired as director and it shifts over to this weird realm. Then it disappointingly goes back to the boring shit!
WATCH HERE  

Silent Night Bloody Night (Death House) Directed by Ted Gershuny. starring Mary Woronov. (1974)
     Wilfred Butler Returns to his creepy mansion in Oyster Bay Long Island and mysteriously dies of in an apparent suicidal fire. Mary Woronov narrates the story, she looks very attractive and at the time was married to Gershuny, many of the other actors in Silent, Bloody came from the Warhol scene. Lloyd Kaufman was a producer and later they would work together again on Sugar Cookies. I actually bought a copy from Alpha Blue Archives, a former drive-in/ classic porn company that now exclusively sells porn. My video copy had a line going down the middle and I only bought it to see Mrs.Togar naked, little did I know she already got naked in Eating Raoul, there's 17 bucks I'll never get back!
      This film is the most public domain you can get, there's loud record scratches on the audio and film cigarettes burns all through out (somebody clean this film up for Christ's sake). John Carter (just a coincidence) inherits the cursed mansion, which was a former mental institution and is definitely still harboring some of the freaks from back then. The whole film uses that gothic spookiness of the East Coast to it's advantage and it owes a lot to the location. John "I'll act for peanuts" Carradine shows up and actually has no lines, his froggy sounding voice was overdubbed. After Carter comes home and has sex with his girlfriend, an axe murderer sneaks up the stairs and butchers both of them. What's worse is that he daintily places a cross into the victims had. The creaky voice of Wilfred Butler calls the police from inside the house.
There are similar elements to Black Christmas (to me this one is inferior), as the killer hides in the attic making calls. Both films were apparently made at the same time (1972), but this one came out after and still hasn't had a proper release, its also a Cannon Film which means I have to automatically watch it.
     Wilfred's grandson Jeffrey shows up and tries to threaten Mary Woronov, but she's extra tough and pulls a gun on him. They sort of form an awkward bond. Something sinister happened on Christmas Eve 1935, Wilfred keeps calling the people that may have caused his suicide, sometimes calling himself Mary Anne. He tortures some of them, leading me to believe that they are the escaped maniacs that assaulted his daughter, but none of that is explained. Butler deliberately turned his house into an asylum and his daughter was raped by lunatics.When the rape incident is shown, the Warhol people play all the mental defects, they kind of reminded me of the random Dream-Landers from early John Waters stuff. Many people really like this one, I think it has potential but is very clunky and there's not much of a payoff.

WATCH HERE


Elves (1989) Directed By Howie Mandel (I mean Jeff Mandell!) Starring Grizzly Adams
     This movie hates Christmas and anyone who watches it, even the guy that uploaded Elves hates this movie and hates you!
      It starts off in the graveyard with non existent lighting (I mean the lighting guy even hates this movie he forgot to turn them on)! The sisters of Anti-Christmas are conducting a  blood ritual to a fantasy art picture, this causes a creepy elf hand to emerge from the ground.I think one of the Anti-Christmas bitches is Aubrey Plaza's mom! The director must be an Italian zombie fan because the elf symbol kinds looks like the Eibon (or maybe it was the production designer). The Elf puppet looks like some leftover slop from the John Carl Buechler workshop.
      Elves are also Nazi demons according to this flick or Ghoulies, I mean Trolls! Hardfaced teen Kirsten has even worse problems, both of her parents are German psycho's and her Ninja Turtle Costume wearing brother peeps on her naked body and then says "I don't care, your tits are awesome!" He also swears like a dockworker.
      The film quality reminds me of SoulTaker and this seriously needs a Rifftrax treatment right now! The message in most Christmas horror movies is true, Santa is a mentally disturbed loathsome wretch who shouldn't be trusted with your kids.The Elf (that's right singular!) is killing people at the mall and Kirsten's mother puts her cat in a bag then stuff it in the toilet and drowns it.
      Grizzly Adams, an ex detective that was most likely the inspiration for Billy Bob Thornton's character in Bad Santa (he was on the set smoking Camel unfiltered and blowing them in his face for inspiration)! Anyway, Grizzly hits the library to do research on satanic elves, in that library they are classified under 666 in the Dewey Decimal system.He is motivated again to solve crimes and has gone from pathetic Santa impersonator to full time Elf fighter! It leads him to different librarians in the middle of their Christmas Eve dinners. The second librarian goes into about how the elves are supposed to mate with a virgin on Xmas Eve to produce the master race! Kirstin's wheelchair bound father is involved his daughter in a bizarre sex conspiracy with Nazi's and Elves. One German character actually says "When there's no room in Hell the Elves will walk the earth!!!" I almost chipped a tooth when I heard that shit! As Kirstin stabs the elf she actually says "Die, you little Faggot!" That line will never replace the Jaws one "Smile You SOB" but it may have wanted to! 
      This one is not as good as The Suckling but not as bad as Dumpster Baby! It definitely has a sense of humor about itself which is good, its self aware of how ridiculous it is! Now that the Elves have been obliterated, Winterman is satisfied and Different unfortunate Linnea Quigley's have been impaled onto antlers we can finally crack open the Christmas Ham, drink some spiked Hot Chocolate and regret until next Holiday Season! See ya Next Year!  

Elves are Nazis

WATCH HERE

We're Going To Eat You

 We're Going To Eat You! Directed By Hark Tsui (1980).
It starts off with Chinese villagers pissing on Ducks (hopefully its not the famous Ping). The score immediately samples the terrifying Suspiria soundtrack by Goblin during some nice cannibal artwork. There are not many Asian Jungle Adventure films, so this one is very original (Raw Force is the only other one that comes to mind). Hark Tsui's use of distributing meat among the villagers is apparently an anti-communism statement. Gorilla face-plate men attack with giant shivs and carry an unfortunate villager to the butcher table as loud ducks and chickens are thrown into a steam pot. If you're not on board for loud sawing while entrails are pulled out as a comedy device (think Bad Taste era Peter Jackson) or splat-stick type comedy leave now! A mass gathering clamor around the freshly butchered human remains with a side of soggy boiled whole chicken. All the crazies in this community recycle the dead and their eyes bug out anytime fresh meat is offered, they must be hungry! There is ominous stock music throughout and the shot composition is very stylish. Many of the authentic hard faced actors look like they have mouth disorders and their face bones jut out. Everything is very wacky as everyone is excited to eat human flesh. CSA agent 999 is sent for Rolex the bandit, who is most likely in someone's lower intestine. Butcher instruments are rolled out and used combined with kung fu antics. Vietnam Rose, a female impersonator with syphilis looks like Mata Hairy from Lancelot Link. During a fight with garden tools the CSA agent rolls a cigarette off of someone's face.
      He is sent to the brick maze containing a slaughterhouse and met with hatchet and chain wielding masked cannibals. There's a Taoist Priest and a deranged chief who oppresses the island cannibals. The dinner bell is rung signally each new cannibal feast. Another agent wears John Lennon glasses and a floppy hat, he is trapped and put in a cage. It turns out Rolex is a reformed criminal and joins the agents. Some of the music is possibly taken from Pino Donaggio's score for Tourist Trap. We're Going to Eat You is one of the least bloody cannibal films out there, its more of a wacky cartoonish kung fu style film then anything.The fight scenes threaten to over saturate the cannibal aspects, since there's more fighting then gut chomping. There's an inspired final showdown with roller-skates and 
firecrackers. Hark Tsui is another director who reigned supreme in the 80's and 90's but hasn't been able to hit the mark once he crossed over to the U.S. Market. Its still fun though and worth checking out!  

 WATCH HERE     

Don't Go In The House

Don't Go In The House Directed by Joseph Ellison. Starring Dan Grimaldi (1980).
   This film really portrays the sickness that child abuse can instill and cause someone to become deranged.Those that say Don't Go In The House is just a Psycho ripoff with fire and disco are missing the point it has those elements, but Dan Grimaldi's sincere creepiness really works and its very effective. The creepiest scenes for me are when you hear the disembodied voice of abuse in a warbled incoherent whisper as they zoom in on the box of matches. The same voice according to House visits all children who are the victims of abuse, it both comforts and drives them to kill. 

   We first meet Donny (Dan Grimaldi later on The Sopranos), a lowlife pyromaniac, who after an aerosol can is left in the incinerator that engulfs someone in flames, instead of helping he just stares maniacally fixated. After he arrives home to find his dead mother lying in a chair, his revulsion seems to be an act. He's not that broken up because of the vicious abuse she inflicted on him. Anytime she felt like burning "the wickedness out," she would hold his tiny arms over the flames on a gas oven. The echoy voices in his mind liberate him from the tyranny of his oppressive religious fanatic mother. He is so ecstatic to now be able to dance around the house and put on his favorite disco records!

Bobby a married cheater and perv makes every effort to become Donny's friend and is a horrible influence, but no one else will give him the time of day. 
   The actors in this film all have that seedy New York quality. Donny's first murder is particularly gut wrenching as a flower shop girl is chained up while her skin is flayed off and she is burned alive. He uses a flamethrower like The Exterminator accept he's more likeable then Robert Ginty! House really goes for the throat on a disturbing level and the only explanation for these grisly murders is that Donny was abused,never got over it and is now killing women full time. The way he reacts to the site of burning flesh seems to be a cathartic release for him and its pretty gruesome. As vicious as that is, I appreciate this film's no explanation policy because in real life almost all serious killers never explain their actions, they treat people like they are inhuman and disposable. Towards the end he tries to get help from church and finally attempts to become a normal person (or in his mind a king of the disco dance floor!)

   The disco shop scene in so unbelievably campy and ridiculous, but I have to identify with Donny's pathetic attempt to fit in with the rest of the world and that's what gives this film its edge, you start identifying with a human monster. There's noway you can possibly identify with him, but this film starts driving you toward that direction. Don't Go In The House has its way of slapping you back down, because just as you start to feel sorry for Donny, you are unable to understand why he continues to abduct women or the fact that he smashes his date in the head with a flaming candle (totally uncalled for!). This is one of many underrated slasher flicks that's alot better than people give it credit for! No one can resist the disco track "Struck By Boogie Lightening" It's so annoyingly infectious and repulsive!

Now that she's dead I'm gonna blast some Bee Gees!

This get up will totally get me laid

WATCH HERE