Conquest Directed By
Lucio Fulci. Starring Jorge Rivero (1983).
There are so many hilarious user reviews of this sword &
sorcery/ Beast Master/Conan/ Star Wars fuzzy nightmare that I almost want to
cut and paste this review together, but I won’t. Having just gotten really
fried and recently watched this with Skunkape, I must confess that it is only
watchable with the lowest expectations known to mankind and definitely make
sure that you are appropriately blasted.
I
imagine Fulci smeared peanut butter on the lense to give it that mosaic,
pixeled look and then hired an extensive smoke machine crew that set them on
continuous full power. Why Fulci wanted to hide all the amazing creatures is confusing
(or will there be a special, special edition where they clean up the foggy
negative)? I only wish there were action figures for the various creatures (if
there are Last Starfighter figures and Space Precinct ones, you know Conquest
figures are possible).
The Simonetti score sounds like Knight
Rider played backwards. The costume design looks like Robert E. Howard and Bob
Guccione! It’s like Heavy Metal
the movie meets The Elder era Kiss with some Metal Storm thrown in. There are
Wolf men, beady eyed Snow men, Beastmaster like Swamp men, Ape men and a naked
body builder sorceress in a gold Puma Man mask! They periodically jump around,
do crazy acrobatic flips and fight the hero of Conquest, Mace! The only film
I recognized Mace (Jorge Rivera)
from was MST3K’s WereWolf! There are some of the Fulci staples in this one;
like a woman being torn in half as her entrails fall out onto the cave floor. An
innocent caveman carrying pelts and food is shot and murdered by Mace and his
boyfriend Ilias (who shoots Tron like arrows from his lazerbow)! It all would
have worked better if they cleaned up the negatives, I mean its just as
retarded as the Cannon Masters of The Universe movie or Conan The Destroyer! This
is on my bucket list of Fulci flicks along with Aenigma, Sodoma’s Ghost and
Murder Rock.
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