Autopsy

 

Autopsia (Autopsy) Directed by Juan Logar (1973).

Autopsy aka Toe Tag Joe was one of the trickiest VHS tapes to find, that is until my bestie Skunkape discovered it taped beneath a bail of dank Hubba Bubba and it slithered its way toward my Roku. It didn't even show up Tubi and that's where most Cult Exploits can be streamed!

Yes it was dreadful, we both watched it and can attest that it was so not worth all the effort but we review sometimes as a dire warning! 

If you saw famous footage of Vietnam plus Faces of Death (1978) and thought if only those two were not only fused together but had some tacked on melodramatic, existential inane dialogue that would also help to create an entire viewpoint on the duality of mankind.And if you can find it, this movie was made for such a sick individual.In the catalog Chas described it as a "strangely moving, troubling film". I actually liked the other Autopsy (1975) with Mimsy Farmer much more than this.

not appearing in THIS Autopsy

Skunkape and I both hated this film so there you go! It has Jack Taylor from Pieces (1982) and Jess Franco’s work. There’s no Jacopetti or Prosperi/ Godfather’s of Mondo involvement so I can’t blame Italians for this dreck, I have to accuse Spain of such a heavy guilt trip this time! 

The main character for some reason craves to see a genuine autopsy and that’s basically the money shot of this opus. The poor soul who donated their body so their brain could legally be removed and displayed on screen should’ve read the fine print. Or maybe it was a homeless man who was desperate, at any rate the whole affair is a major bummer and doesn’t justify the weird narrative the film makers have to illustrate. It’s an anti-war message handled very haphazardly and sloppy just like your typical schlocky Mondo junk. 

Fisher Price journalism

This Spanish journalist who’s dubbed into English is played by Juan Luis Galiardo, he interviews anyone they can find about the subject of Death. 

Fire my agent for this piece of shit!

Jack Taylor plays the dude who gets to saw through the Steak-umm meat (which is where they obtain that cut of cheaply priced grocery store offal)! If someone made a film like this now what war atrocities would they pontificate over? Post 9/11 the war seems to have moved from outside lands to within and now that Fascist Christian nationalism, supreme ignorance and greed is trendy, this will most likely cave in our own Democracy which we have taken for granted and even worse, assigned billionaire Nazis to restructure what remains for only the wealthy. 

Fellini who?

Gallardo and two other actresses have appeared in Paul Naschy’s films besides this. Skip it and the next four years (unless T—p becomes Emperor Lard-Poutine) in that case just lobotomize me now!

This aint no Carcass album cover!

I bet on the Yeti in that Paul Naschy flick and lost!

In the line of duty 4

 

In the line of duty 4 (Yes Madam 4) starring Cynthia Khan (1989). 

Dickson Poon and Anthony Wong (not that one) on the keytar, ahem Keyboard, I am so there! 

According to HKMDB the sequels go in this order beginning with Yes Madam (1985), a vehicle starring Michele Yeoh, who does not appear in this feature.
 

Female super cop played by Cynthia Khan infiltrates a bunch of cartoonish gangsters loading things onto a freighter. Penny, code name "White Cat" finally reveals her name (in this dubbed version I watched) after an assortment of fights break out. The battle features lethal wrenches strung together that emit sparks. 

I'm emitting rainbow farts!

There’s a hardly a break between one fight and the next in this flick. I don’t recognize the actors besides Donnie Yen but they’re all believable and skilled brawlers.The cops all have color coded kitty cat names, which is just silly.

Next the head of the CIA shows up with a variety of firearms. I like how he announces his title to everyone present and then starts blasting away!

I was on TV once so I qualify to run Trump's CIA

There’s a scene where Richey played by Yuen Yat-Cho and Tommy ( Liu Kai-Chi) both snack on a loaf of Italian bread. It’s a minute of joyfullness just before a blood bath that includes a piece of furniture as a barricade.

Mama Mia, I dunka-dabread in dawine

 I don’t think you need to watch the first 3 films to understand this one they’re not linear and don't even star the same cast.

There’s a super cool Indiana Jones stunt copy on a moving vehicle with Penny-cat the female officer. Richey gets tortured in a freezer by more gangsters and almost dies of hypothermia. He bounces back real quick and has a negative of some kind that these terrorists want. I mean, there's a small thread of a story and it’s more about the ACTION! 

The actor who dubs Donnie Yen sounds extra proper and snobby. He sticks up for Richey by fighting a cackling white goofball who does those irritating Bruce Lee noises. I can't place who this actor looks like but it's somewhere between American Pie and a Kevin Smith turd. That same jerk dies at the police station and Donnie flees HK. A sunglasses wearing assassin with a huge blade gets into a fight in her and almost slices off Richey’s head. 

What annoying douche do I resemble huh Crank?

The dance like fight choreography is savage. Speaking of fights, Penny gets into a brutal one with a curly haired blonde who looks like Desus and Mero’s fav. pornstar Sara Jay. 

Soo HAWT!

People who are squeamish about violence toward women and such should probably not watch this! Penny gets smacked around by dudes quite often but she bites back hard! It's difficult to watch and the fighting is all choreographed masterfully but it's slightly misogynistic so be warned. The black dude from Tiger Cage shows up in a fight with Donnie Yen. I wonder if he was the inspiration for Jax in Mortal Kombat 2. This film is a stunt fueled thrill ride with impressive fighting. You've seen it before but it's seriously never boring (even if there's hardly a story at all)!

Just having a regular normal haircut!

Nude Vampire

Nude Vampire Dir by Jean Rollin ( La Vampire Nue,1970).

Come with me on a blood ritualistic journey where we shall delve into the dimension of the king of Lesbian vampirism Mr. Jean Rollin! 

A suicide cult headed by The Master, (no not the Manos the Hands of Fate one), who all wear Wickerman-eqsue animals masks mock in disapproval. One character in a chicken mask reminded me of a DEVO's video for "Love Not Anger". But the animal people win this time and carry a female away.

This Master is for Adults Only

This film has its own path and rhythm, for example belly dancers in makeup freakout to bongos.Wait it might all be a demented low-rent stage play! You should probably get under the influence fast to be at the same level as this thrill ride. It all was triggered by a suicide gunshot to the head. One character says "Go to where more mysteries await you"! We then are treated to a very long self masturbatory scene with actress Caroline Cartier’s frequently seen nude body.

Crown Royal bag makes a snazzy makeshift hood!

Nude Vamp gets all wacky with candelabras and comedy hijinx. A female walking slowly down a staircase nude with a see through outfit while holding a candelabra, Now we’re talkin! 

As for the thin plot line, it was never about the titular nude vampire at all really, it was all about the Son and his Daddy drama!

And TWINS!

Marie-Pierre Castel and her twin Catherine, the girls who appeared later in such classics as Lips of Blood (1975) and Shiver of The Vampires (1971) are thee best moments of this film, which is their debut. The only flaw I see was that there were hardly any queer indications besides light blood drinking. Other than that minor complaint Nude Vampire stands among Rollins phantasmagoric bests.

Is this the Nude Vampire?

Like a Velvet Glove Cast in iron

Emanuelle and the Porno Nights of the World

 

Emanuelle and the Porno Nights of the World. Directed by Bruno Mattei (1978).

These Emanuelle films have the best scores! Fuzz guitar, bongos, ESL type lyrics, organ freakouts all courtesy of Nico Fidenco. There were some ultra sick vomit inducing films in the series. I was inspired to review this one after watching Joe Bob Briggs mention on Patreon in an old clip for The Movie Channel how much he admires this grimy, filth ridden thrill ride through hell and worse series! 

In fact the first time I saw Laura Gemser was on that very station, it was most likely during one of those marathons. They played lots of 70s softcore or heavily edited hardcore on cable in the 90s. Many of these films stuck in my mind and I had to revisit them, it's a sickness I tells ya!

let's get TRASHED!

 I like when Emanuelle (played by Moira Chen aka Laura Gemser), who hosts this mondo feature says "Even the nightclubs are controlled by the government"! Bruno Mattei directed this Mondo Emanuelle flick which includes a strip tease conducted next to a Great Dane on stage while people in suits gawk. The mondo aspects and typical demented shit that goes on in a regular Joe D'Amato sequel sort of intertwine. There’s no snuff like shit but there is a gruesome castration.

Shave and a nut tug doot doot!

Two dumbasses rollerskate naked to a song that sounds 60s Mod. RD Steckler had a weird rollerskating balloon porn as well, seems like it was trendy for a minute. There’s a magic act that includes a trans female with a giant dong! It caused people to start clapping in fast motion. If you enjoyed The Wild Wild World of Jane Mansfield (1968) then you’ll dig the hell outta this!

families love to admire that dripping hawg

At a supper club, a masked wrestler in a speedo and cheap cape does nude mud wrasslin with a busty gal. They appear as if they’re covered in feces! It looks wretched! A weird sex ed scene with Germans, penis pumps and a blowup doll is very off putting. 

This is a different kind of Outback Steak house!

They show a dick getting chopped off in some tribal ritual in slow graphic detail. I mean you can't have a Mondo movie without some dick hacking! 

There’s tons of more depraved shit for your brain to wade through. Is it worse than E-Man meets Cannibals or In America? Fuck no! I’ll say this, if you always wanted to see Laura Gemser show off her goodies while narrating an icky mondo movie then here ya go! LOW IN QUALITY IN THE SERIES BUT OVERALL A KITSCHY AND DEMENTED TIME CAPSULE. Available in the SEVERIN Black Emanuelle boxset. ORDER NOW.

    Ok Class now let's drop acid.

I can't believe this was a trend or was it ever?

Insanity (1993)

 

Insanity. Starring Simon Yam. Directed by Tony Leung Siu-Hung (1993).

This is one of thee choicest finds in the DR catalog. Thanks to Ocean Shores laserdisc and archive.org Insanity is here but is it worth all the fuss? Let’s all find out together shall we? 

fresher than a can of tuna

The film stars Dr. Lamb hisself Simon Yam.Yam is Tang Sau, a blazer wearing cop with a super needy wife who complains that he works too much. Yam's character seems to have a screw loose and keeps saying "How can I accompany you?" on the phone repeatedly. This dude despises his wife from the get-go and it's all foreshadowing for his toxic male behavior. Things get worse after Tang's partner is murdered in an alley.  

STOP YAMMER TIME

Next we cut to the Wongs, a nice couple fighting over their anniversary where a present of a ceramic dog is gifted. They are played by Kathy Chow Hoi-Mei and Raymond Wong Pak Ming. 6 months later the same couple now have a white poodle named Bo Bo and they pull up in a fancy car. They also have a stun-gun for their new suburb-urban apartment, which is located near an asylum. 

The wife’s mom brings in an odd looking statue that I recall seeing Simon Yam have in the beginning. Something evil is afoot me thinks. The statue bonks the husband on the head and he tosses it in the trash. Just like the cat from that song who keeps coming back the very next day, the statue returns! 

I'll be baackkk

The wife lounges in the pool but that fucking statue deflates her raft. The mom in law keeps trying to say its good luck but this is one ceramic nightmare that manifests into hallucinations at the Dr.’s office. We see green glowing eyes. Nothing really has merited the title “Insanity” yet however. 

My Tropical drink is Insane, isn't that enough?

This movie has lots of fortune telling con artists. I’m wondering if Simon Yam is coming back at all! There’s a whole blood donation wacky hi jinx scene that really sucked. Next Mr. Wong is freaked out by a masked dance routine. He is paired up with a “hot girl” provided by his employer? Where the fuck does this guy work!? 

2 Sex workers for every dude?

The mask sort of resembles the spooky statue.A killer dressed in white shows up to make things more irritating.Be warned sensitive viewers because there is a totally mean spirited scene involving Bo Bo the poodle.This movie is just hitting all the wrong notes for this reviewer! 

Bobo didn't deserve this kind of treatment

Simon Yam comes back wearing a grey blazer this time. Let’s just say his mental illness is related to the film’s title. He offers to look for Mrs. Wong’s partner (who is definitely not alive). Oh and now the cop who claims to help is having an apple carving spasm over the wife he (still) hates. Oh yeah and the white cloaked killer is still at large. They sort of try and establish that Yam’s character is schizophrenic but the screenwriter is out of thier element with this delicate subject matter. Man I hate how they showed Bo bo the murdered poodle to get a cheap gross out moment because it caused the trapped Mrs. wong to barf! They establish how unstable Yam’s character was in a dark blue flashback. The news report broadcasts how he’s on the lam. This movie was too convoluted and wanted to be two separate things which is annoying. Had Insanity been all about a mentally deranged cop and not gone with say; the haunted statue plot line then it could’ve worked. The film wants to be too many things yet is incapable of executing one solid thread or decent subplot. INSANITY IS ALL OVER THE MAP. Worth seeing if you’re a fan of Dr. Lamb because that movie is very mediocre in my opinion!

Madhouse (1981)

 

Madhouse (1981) Dir. by Ovidio Assonitus. 

What is it with Thanksgiving slashers involving twins! There are 2 separate movies about the subject, this and Bloodrage (1987. Reviewed here unfavorably by some doofus)! This is not to be confused with the Kirsty Alley, John Larroquette stinker from 1990.  

Trish Everly/Patricia Mickey plays Julia Sullivan a tormented redhead twin with a psychotic, pyromaniac knife wielding sibling.The music by Cannibal/Mondo main music composer Riz Ortolani is outstanding, there are lots of synth bubbles and shrieks. The eerie "Rock a Bye baby" theme is played. I can’t help but hear Marge Simpson singing it.

down will come baby toward an endless abyss!

Madhouse, which I saw on Arrow Video was a title included in the notorious Video Nasty list. This is a film I misremembered seeing, so I figured it was due a rewatch. 

If you’re looking for a double feature set in November with mentally disturbed twins, look no further! Ovidio G. Assonitus I’ve mentioned before as the scuzzy producer of such classics as Tentacles(1977), Beyond The Door (1974) and The Visitor (1979) here he's a writer/prod and Director. He’s gone full bore Russ Meyer up in these boobs! 

Boobs Schmoobs, I'm more of an ass (on-itus)-man!

During the brutal "Rottwieller eats fat guy" scene we hear identical music from Cannibal Holocaust (1980). I guess Riz recycles!

Julia’s Doctor boyfriend played by Michael Macrae resembles Peter Dinklage with a mustache.The couple make out in a car as disco noises "beep".

I have gas that sounds like Atari beeps!

Every title card mentions Julia’s birthday sort of like a countdown.They introduce sinister preacher Father James played by Dennis Robertson hanging with a deaf kid and they both laugh about San Francisco! I used to defend that city but lately it’s been difficult. More like Meth city USA! Elon Musk, those dumb futuristic self driving cars he invented! Plus now he's the co-President.. Just kill me now! 

Co-President FOR ME TO POOP ON!

The Rottweiler strikes again, this time the deaf kid (played by actual child, Richard Baker) is on the menu! Julia immediately traumatizes a classroom full of his peers by telling them the news of his tragic end. They all sign special memories and react in horror.

Julia’s sexy blonde gal pal Hellen is played by Ralph Mouth's wife Morgan Most.

Hellen goes looking through the creepy house while a cat’s neck is snatched! Yank! The feline violence looks staged. Helen's death by the evil sister’s Rot is pretty sickening.

Now I know how Emily from The Beyond feels.

 Father James gets scarier and terrifies Julia’s bowl-hair cut friend (Edith Ivey) who hides under a card table! I’m not saying she’s asking for it, that would be cruel!  Robertson looks like Bo Svenson to me as he gets more depraved. It all ends with a "Deranged / Happy Birthday to me" table setting littered with corpse victims in party hats. Huzzah!

I'm so Happy I could shit!

I thought this film was quite enjoyable and packs a punch. Yes, it does borrow heavily from other films but that's what Ovidio does. This cigar chomping producer rips off blockbusters and this one is hardly original. Make sure you at least listen to the Cannibal Holocaust score before you watch this one! Otherwise you might associate Riz' melancholy strings with a giant blood thirsty Rot puppet who reminds me (and Kindertrauma.com of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog). Available to stream on Tubi.

Assault! aka Satan's Playthings, The Creepers

 

Assault! (In the Devil's Garden, Satan's Playthings, The Creepers) Directed by Sidney Hayers. Starring Suzy Kendall. (1971).

On the T.V. critic review show Sneak Previews, Roger Ebert picked this one for "Dog of the week". I've most certainly seen worse films and this one sure is underwhelming. I like its alternate title "Satan’s Playthings", it has a nicer ring to it instead of Assault! or In the Devil's Playground. This title was elusive before to this critic but recently showed up on the Fox owned trash palace that is Tubi! Practically all the movies that were circulated on videotape in the 90's and traded in underground zines are all on Tubi to be enjoyed for free. Make sure to hook up an add blocker on your laptop!

Look out for rapists Nancy Drew!

 The Assault! cinematography byKen Hodges is lush and ooh so British. This film is centered around a boarding school with all females.The music is very jazzy as a poor innocent school girl is defiled in a pervy POV style. I recognize Frank Findlay as an actor I've seen in LifeForce (1985). Eee Gads, I say "Good Luck" to these police trying to find that elusive woodland rapist. The cops all have itchy looking sweaters and crooked haircuts. The cast is extra British which so far is not helping the pace or my interest level in this film.

ACKK! Who had Cornbeef and Cabbage for lunch

The art teacher gets her class to chant “Don’t forget to wash your Brushes”! Why add that? 

There's that Sidney Hayers touch of gentleness, I have a soft spot for this guy once I found out he directed a few episodes of Space Precinct (94-95), a TV series very dear to my heart. Circus of Horrors (1960) was another interesting film by Hayers so he's not all TV Shows and fluff!

I call it the haunted shroud of Jan Brady!

Girls just love to cut thru the woods in this movie which ignites high energy jazz! Julie West (Kendall) looks very stylish. Just two years before she was in Bird with The Crystal Plumage (1970). Kendall’s character appears to have seen the attacker bathed in red light. She moves in to stop the fucker but instead finds a raped and strangled female victim! 

I guess Argento lost my number?

One cop tells Kendall’s character to take a pill. I mean he fucking roofies her into a coerced statement.

Seems quite illegal. Scotland Yard rules I guess? Next, West (Kendall) claims she saw a cartoony described "Red Devil" with horns at a court no less! 

Andy Sirkis up to his CGI tricks again!

This movie is confusing for some reason. Some films of this kind are extra Britist in the style of Are You Being Served? or Dr. Who, Tom Baker era. The pacing of this movie is very loosey goosey.

Do not subject me to watch this film

The cop tossing the ball to a rape victim and them catching it Awakenings (1990) style is priceless. The 2nd half of this movie drags. For my review of Rituals with Hal Holbrook, I initially suspected that the title Creepers belonged to this title in the VHS catalog but that was a macguffin like they have in all good mysteries. Read my review for Rituals for any mass confusion. If you like these types dry Brit biscuits thrillers then give this one a whirl. I found it tedious and pointless!

AVAILABLE ON TUBI  (Hard to find physical media version).

Matt Gaetz at it again?